Monthly Archives: January 2014

Jaded…faded…wasted

I don’t wanna’ spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I’ve let all these years go by
Wasted

My husband…ex…person-that-I-am-legally-married-to-but-not-with-anymore…has always told me that I am too trusting. And every time I have quoted this Carrie Underwood song back at him.

The fact is, I AM too trusting; and it gets me hurt a lot of the time.

I think someone is my friend and it turns out I’m nobody to them; I believe someone when they say they’re in to me and then they take advantage of me and dump me for someone else; I believe my boyfriend (at the time, later to be my husband) when he says I’m more important to him than drugs and alcohol, and then his drinking/using escalates and he lies to me about it over and over again.

The definition of “jaded” is this:

Main Entry: jaded
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: exhausted, indifferent
Synonyms: been around, blah*, blasé, bored, cool*, done it all, dulled, fagged, fatigued, fed up*, had it, mellow, sated, satiated, sick of, spent, surfeited, tired, tired-out, up to here, wearied, weary, worn, worn-down, worn-out

And yeah, I probably should have seen the signs all along; the getting trashed at parties, the lack of a desire to leave the house at times, the refusal (without literal dragging) to spend time with my friends/family, the jokes about “when marijuana is legal…oh boyyy you won’t be able to stop me then!” etc.

But I guess I wanted to believe he was a better person than people said he was; I wanted to believe that I WAS more important than the need to numb his feelings with drugs/alcohol; I wanted to believe in HIM…

I spent so much time defending him, standing up to people who judged him and said he was no good for me. I swore he wasn’t like they said…and then one day he WAS.

The fact is, I don’t want to be jaded. I don’t want to be indifferent, or exhausted (at least not mentally, there’s nothing I can do about the physical exhaustion!)…and if it means getting hurt sometimes in order to remain un-jaded, I’m ok with that. I’m thankful for the time I had him in my life, and I will always love him…but now it’s time to stand up for ME.

Song lyrics:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/carrieunderwood/wasted.html

Definition:
http://m.dictionary.com/synonym/jaded?linkid=jluc57&srcpage=definition&site=dictwap

Leave a comment

Filed under Divorce, Uncategorized

Who the f@*$ am I?

Finding yourself is not a comfortable process, nor should it be. It is petrifying. — How to Find Yourself When You’ve Lost Yourself, Rebecca Lammersen (From Elephant Journal)

 

So I was reading Elephant Journal tonight, as I have been a lot lately (there is something about the deep thoughts and positivity that has just been soothing to my soul) and I came across this piece written by Rebecca Lammersen about finding yourself. While I loved the article, the writer uses words like “over time” and “began” to describe how this feeling happens. I do not think this is how it happens, at least not for me; I seem to find myself in a situation that slaps me across the face and I wake up and say “who the f@#* am I?”

Like now, for instance. 

I don’t know where along the way I lost myself and I don’t think it’s the typical “I’ve changed who I am” type of issue. I think it’s more like I’ve allowed myself to become invisible; I’ve sunk so much of myself into my husband and my relationship, and the stresses of life, that I’ve been slowly disappearing for a long time. Being chronically ill has cost me essentially all of my hobbies, my passions, my goals in life…so I don’t even have that to give myself definition. Not that long ago I was proud of the fact that I am a wife and a chronic pain survivor, but in the last couple of weeks I have realized that that should not be ALL that defines me. I can be so much more than that. 

The process, however? Absolutely petrifying. 

 

 

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/11/how-to-find-yourself-when-youve-lost-yourself/

 

2 Comments

Filed under Chronic Illness, Divorce, Uncategorized

Breaking

I’m used to injuries, of the physical kind. I’ve broken numerous bones (several of them at the same time), I’ve sprained/twisted/dislocated so many joints, I’ve torn tendons, I’ve stretched and stressed ligaments, I’ve had a concussion from being knocked unconscious…but nothing compares to the feeling of breaking I feel inside tonight (and for the last few days). I’ve been searching for ways to put it into words; it’s like my soul is being ripped in to a million tiny pieces, like there is basketball sized lump of emotions stuck underneath my sternum, like I’m slowly dying inside. 

I’m getting a divorce. There, I said it. It sounds so unreal to say it out loud. I’m 24, and getting a divorce after 11 months of marriage. 

I barely remember a life without him in it, and I am struggling to picture what that will look like in the future. I still love him, and I always will…but the thing is, I have to stand up for myself. And I’ll be fine. I know I will. I’ve always been fine and I always will be fine. With him or without him. 

This just blows ridiculous amounts of suck. 

Image

2 Comments

Filed under Divorce, Uncategorized

So. True.

20140114-171232.jpg

Leave a comment

January 14, 2014 · 10:12 pm

Changes

Yesterday I embarked on a new quest to better my health…clean eating. I have cut out gluten, sugar, and most, if not all, dairy. I have read quite a bit of research, plus heard many many personal stories of how this diet has improved people’s health and lowered their pain. This is also at the suggestion of my doctor, chiropractor and physical therapist. My doctor especially recommended it because I have a serious issue with chronic, systemic, yeast infections that have been unresolved with antifungal medications for the last 4 years. So I decided to try it.

I’ve been told so many times in the past, by so many doctors and well-meaning friends, that I needed to do this, and I have always refused.
I didn’t realize until I started this exactly why I was eating the crappy food that I was; but I think now that I felt it was the only area of my life where I could be normal. I never feel normal, it’s not normal to take the amount of medication I take, or be limited in the things I can do…so I figured if I could at least eat what I want, when I want, how I want…that was something. (There’s the psychologist in me coming out!)

The problem is that if all these people (and it’s a LOT of people) are right, then I’ve just been making myself sicker this whole time!

Time for an experiment!

Yesterday was my first day, and I think it went surprisingly well. Probably because it wasn’t all that different from what I used to eat when I felt well enough to put energy into losing weight.

Breakfast: green smoothie, handful of dry cereal (I screwed up and didn’t read the box before I bought it, so the cereal does have some sugar in it. I won’t make that mistake again!)

Lunch: leftover stir fry with chicken, over rice; homemade hummus and carrots

Snack: apple and a handful of veggie straws (again with the sneaky sugar! Luckily they weren’t my veggie straws, I was at work, so I won’t do that again either!)

Dinner: pork chops and zucchini on the grill (I marinated the pork, and AGAIN there was sneaky sugar in the marinade! I have to get better about reading labels!). I wasn’t thrilled with dinner, I think hubby over grilled the pork so it was dry, and the zucchini was just bland. Oh well, better luck next time…I’ll be looking for other ways to do the zucchini.

Snack: rice cakes.

All in all, not bad! I didn’t starve to death and I didn’t even feel like I was missing out on things. Today on the other hand…I’d really love a big bowl of creamy Mac-n-cheese right about now!

2 Comments

Filed under Chronic Illness, Uncategorized

Dear body…

I’d like to carve out time and space to address the resentment and abuse of the vessel that has carried me through these last 29 years.

I’ve spent many years and many more dollars poisoning this body with cigarettes, alcohol and a colorful list of drugs. I’ve extended the damage with a misguided perception of what would improve this body’s outward appearance; I’ve starved, dieted, binged, purged and starved again in bouts of desperation.

I’ve run and run until my joints could no longer support the repetitive impact of foot to pavement.

I’ve cut in the face of emotional pain to sit meditative in the presence of physical pain.

I’ve looked disdainfully at thighs that were never slim enough, breasts that were never nice enough, hair that was never thick enough, and freckles that would pigeonhole me as “cute,” but never sexy.

Self-reverence was a myth and I was hopelessly rooted in personal reality.

In 2008, I was offered a final betrayal in the form a diagnosis. My reumatologist confidently checked a box that would never go unchecked. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease. Congratulations, Sara. You have Lupus.

In a way, my diagnosis represented some twisted, poetic justice. After years of mistreatment and neglect, my body finally rejected the source: me.

It’s hard to wrap your brain around it, a war being waged under the surface of the skin. My body was in a constant state of inflammation. Confused about which cells were the good guys and which were the bad, it just went after them all.

My arms and legs would ache and throb. My hands, suffering from the associated arthritis, took my career as a massage therapist away and impeded simple tasks like opening jars and writing.

Lab tests tracked my wavering system. Numbers for inflammation, numbers for kidney function, numbers for complement levels; they all rose and fell bringing with them new “risks” and “concerns” that I refused to cope with. Instead, I tracked the rise and fall of denial and despair. I was tired, I was weak, and I was extremely bitter.

But with this letter, I intend to apologize for all that. I’d like to apologize for the damage I’ve done, and forgive my body for its current confusion. I want to be a voice of reassurance, not self-deprecation. I want to establish trust, because I’m not the enemy, not anymore.

My dear, dedicated body,

From this moment forward, I vow to feed you with clean food and positive thoughts. I will water you religiously. I’ll seek nourishment for your physical form, but also for the spirit you so tirelessly protect. I will strive to understand you, in all your delicate complexities, so that I may serve you into our old age.

I will accept my flaws and perfections in unison as the yin and yang of my being. I will appreciate my creaky, stiff hips as much as my bright, hazel eyes. I will revere my freckled skin as authentically as I revere my smile mid-laugh.

I vow to celebrate the successes of every single day. I have been granted the ability to get out of bed, however labored or stiff, without the use of a cane or a walker or a wheelchair. I have been granted the ability to write or type on most days, rather than having to give up my passion in totality. I am able to dance when music moves me. I still have the strength and endurance for yoga.

You helped me carry two beautiful children into this world, and more often than not, I can still scoop them up in my arms; there are no words to eloquently express the gratitude I feel for this. For now, I will simply say, “Thank you.”

I vow to keep perspective on these truths from this day forward, and when my humanness gets in the way of perfection, I vow to forgive myself, and carry on with peace in my heart.

I promise to surround you with other bodies that will raise your vibration. I will protect you from toxic relationships and I will hold on tight to this partner of ours, for he gives you the support, the embraces, the kisses, and the comfort that you deserve.

I will laugh at every possible moment, from the depths of my belly, until joy radiates from my skin and tears stream down my cheeks.

I will close my eyes from time to time and smile, for no particular reason at all.

On days when you are failing, I will not speak to you in anger. I may cry when I’m at my weakest, but I will not blame you anymore. I will listen to your cues, and accept when I need to slow down and rest.

From this moment on, I will hold in my heart that you are doing your best for me, and I will not expect more. From this moment on, we are a team and I will repay your best with my best; and we will be brave together.

With deepest gratitude,

Sara

~

Taken from the Elephant Journal.

I love the Elephant Journal, so so so much. If I were a better writer I would submit something…maybe some day. For now I just want to sit and appreciate how beautiful this letter is; it puts in to words exactly how I want to look at my body. I confess most days I do not think this way, especially lately, but it’s something I want to work on. Because Sara is right, my body is doing the best it can for me…and even though I feel like my body and I are both losing the fight right now, and even though that makes me really frustrated and angry, it’s not anyone’s fault. . It’s not my body’s fault, and it’s not my fault.

Leave a comment

Filed under Chronic Illness, Uncategorized

X-ray vision?

Sometimes I wish we all had x-ray vision, not for looking through people’s clothes you sicko, but for looking through people’s hearts and souls. Of course we all have things in there that we don’t really want everyone and their mother seeing…but really, just THINK about it. No more lying/deceiving, because we’d all know the truth anyway! No more cheating, because I wouldn’t need to smell her perfume to know where he’s been. And best of all (I think), no more invisibility. No more wondering if I’m fooling people with my fake “everything is ok” face…no more needing the face. No more wondering if people believe me that I’m really, very sick…because they would know that I am. 

I didn’t realize until recently exactly how invisible I was feeling. My pain is, by definition, invisible. My feelings are, by nature, invisible. But no one should be, as a person, invisible. And that is exactly how I have felt for a really long time. 

Leave a comment

Filed under Chronic Illness, Divorce, Uncategorized

Sleeeeeeeep….

I sleep, it’s what I DO; and I do a lot of it. But every so often I have a night that just sucks; I can’t fall asleep, once I am asleep I don’t get my usually crappy quality sleep, and I wake up feeling even worse than normal. I recently discovered an iphone app that piqued my curiosity, it claims to track how well you are sleeping, and has an alarm function to wake you when you are sleeping lightly, in order to avoid rousing you from a deep sleep which causes most people to wake up groggy and feel “off” for the rest of the day. I was skeptical that this app could do what it claims, so I’ve been testing it out for the last 7 nights now…and I find the data I got pretty interesting.

Image

 

This was the first night I used the app. It shows a fairly regular pattern of transitions from light sleep to deep sleep and back again. On this morning I woke feeling my normal amount of rested (which is not very rested). As you can see the alarm did go off at 9:26am, even though I had it set for 9:45am, that is because it determined that 9:26am was when I was sleeping light and would wake up easily. As you can also see that didn’t work out as planned, since I pushed snooze 5 times and didn’t get up until 9:47am…but that’s ok, I have learned after many years of waking up feeling awful that I need to plan a cushion of time into my mornings to allow for snoozing, or laying in bed waiting for pain pills to kick in before I get up, or taking longer than anticipated to get dressed due to pain, etc. I did not download the app for the alarm function, I downloaded it because I wanted to see what it said about how I am sleeping.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image 

This was last night. You can see the much higher percentage of time spent in light sleep, as well as waking up twice during the night. I do not remember waking up, and can only assume that the app was detecting lots of excess movement and interpreting that as me being awake (although I could have woken up and just not remember it; my hubby says that I occasionally sit straight up in bed, open my eyes, look around, and then lay back down…I have NO memories of doing this lol. I used to have night terrors as a child, and have a theory that this sitting up in bed is a very minor, adult version). This morning I woke up feeling like I ran a marathon in my sleep, and I might have since all of my pillows and blankets were on the floor! This may also have contributed to the light sleeping and the feeling awful when I woke up, because it is an extremely cold morning here with the temperature when I woke up being 43 at 10am! My pain levels are through the roof, and I am writing this as I lay in bed and wait for my pain medication to kick in. I am exhausted and feel like I just need to go right back to sleep. 

So it appears that the app may in fact be doing an acceptable job of tracking my sleep…I will continue to collect data and compare it to how I feel in the mornings. 

Leave a comment

Filed under Chronic Illness, Uncategorized

Holy acupuncture!

I’ve been doing a lot of research lately, and I mean A LOT, on other things besides fibromyalgia that could be causing all of my symptoms (more on that soon I think…). So this led to me starting a quest to collect my medical records from every doctor I’ve ever been to…that’s a LOT of records! Yesterday I stopped by the naturopathic doctor’s office where I used to go during the summer after my senior year in high school to pick up the records from them. Back then I was having chiropractic manipulations and acupuncture performed in an attempt to alleviate some of my pain and fatigue, since I was still a minor and unable to see a rheumatologist. While I was there I randomly decided to ask if they take my insurance, and they do! AND they had free time to get me in to see the doctor right away! So I spent about 3 hours total in the office, laying on 2 different massage tables (one hydromassage and one with a thing that rolled up and down my back), having some testing done (which I’ll explain here once they explain it all to me!), having a chiropractic adjustment done, as well as spending some time relaxing with about 9 acupuncture needles placed in my lower back and right ear and an infrared heat lamp aimed at my lower back.

By the time I left the office it was incredible how good I felt!! I think I can honestly say that was the closest to my “normal” self I have been in close to a year!! And it lasted pretty much the whole rest of the day! It’s really sad how I had literally forgotten how it feels to not be miserable.

Needless to say I’m going to keep going! It’s only a $10 copay, and hopefully it will keep helping!  

Leave a comment

Filed under Chronic Illness, Uncategorized

Happy New Year :]

Happy New Year :]

My wish for everyone this year. ❤

Leave a comment

January 1, 2014 · 6:12 pm