Jaded…faded…wasted

I don’t wanna’ spend my life jaded
Waiting to wake up one day and find
That I’ve let all these years go by
Wasted

My husband…ex…person-that-I-am-legally-married-to-but-not-with-anymore…has always told me that I am too trusting. And every time I have quoted this Carrie Underwood song back at him.

The fact is, I AM too trusting; and it gets me hurt a lot of the time.

I think someone is my friend and it turns out I’m nobody to them; I believe someone when they say they’re in to me and then they take advantage of me and dump me for someone else; I believe my boyfriend (at the time, later to be my husband) when he says I’m more important to him than drugs and alcohol, and then his drinking/using escalates and he lies to me about it over and over again.

The definition of “jaded” is this:

Main Entry: jaded
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: exhausted, indifferent
Synonyms: been around, blah*, blasé, bored, cool*, done it all, dulled, fagged, fatigued, fed up*, had it, mellow, sated, satiated, sick of, spent, surfeited, tired, tired-out, up to here, wearied, weary, worn, worn-down, worn-out

And yeah, I probably should have seen the signs all along; the getting trashed at parties, the lack of a desire to leave the house at times, the refusal (without literal dragging) to spend time with my friends/family, the jokes about “when marijuana is legal…oh boyyy you won’t be able to stop me then!” etc.

But I guess I wanted to believe he was a better person than people said he was; I wanted to believe that I WAS more important than the need to numb his feelings with drugs/alcohol; I wanted to believe in HIM…

I spent so much time defending him, standing up to people who judged him and said he was no good for me. I swore he wasn’t like they said…and then one day he WAS.

The fact is, I don’t want to be jaded. I don’t want to be indifferent, or exhausted (at least not mentally, there’s nothing I can do about the physical exhaustion!)…and if it means getting hurt sometimes in order to remain un-jaded, I’m ok with that. I’m thankful for the time I had him in my life, and I will always love him…but now it’s time to stand up for ME.

Song lyrics:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/carrieunderwood/wasted.html

Definition:
http://m.dictionary.com/synonym/jaded?linkid=jluc57&srcpage=definition&site=dictwap

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Filed under Divorce, Uncategorized

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