Monthly Archives: February 2014

Strangers again

When our lives revolve around someone, they don’t just stop revolving around them even if all that’s left is the grief and pain that comes with their memory.

This quote is from a wonderful piece of writing I read tonight about how relationships change us forever. It had me in tears because it was so beautiful and so exactly how I feel lately.

Check it out…
http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2014/02/how-the-people-we-once-loved-become-strangers-again/

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A letter…

A visit to my therapist yesterday morning yielded more homework assignments…so here I go.

The big (scary!) task was to write HIM a letter; keeping in mind that he will probably never read it, but to write what I want him to know nonetheless.

Dearest,
I know you said you feel like I never loved you, and I understand why you feel that way, but I need you to know that that just isn’t true. I’ve loved you from the first minute I saw you, when you smiled that smile of yours at me…you know which one. The thing about the situation we are in is that it has nothing to do with my loving you, but it has everything to do with my loving myself.

I loved you every time I stood up to someone, and defended who you were and our love for each other. I loved you every time I sacrificed something for us; money, friends, time spent doing what I wanted to do in exchange for working to pay our bills, and more. But I was ok with all of that! I never held it against you, or resented you for what I had to sacrifice. However, when it became pieces of who I am that I was sacrificing, parts of what make me ME…that I wasn’t ok with.

I am strong, and strong-willed; I am smart and caring and funny; I am opinionated and firmly believe in my principles; I am beautiful from the inside out. But I’ve felt like i was losing that girl for a while now. Everything that I am has become somehow about you, and I miss me.

I told you many years ago, when we first met, that I was not ok with certain lifestyle choices I knew you liked to make. I warned you, I gave you an easy out, I said “Tell me now, I won’t be mad, but if you stay I have to be more important”…and of course you promised, I was so much more important you said, “it’s only weed” you claimed. I don’t know how to explain to you how betrayed I feel thinking about that, because it has become pretty obvious to me that I’m not more important. And I understand why, believe me I do, you have a disease…I get it. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. That doesn’t make me feel any less angry, or disrespected, or betrayed. In fact, that makes this all the harder…
It just makes the feelings I carry around because of this worse; the failure, the guilt, the “what if”s and “should I have?”s.

You told me recently that someday I’ll regret this, I’ll regret “throwing you away like trash”…well I need you to know that I already do. I regret that we got to this point, that we both made the choices we did. I regret how much this is hurting us both. But to regret something means “to think of with sorrow” or “a sense of loss”. Neither of those definitions mean I would take it back.

Do I wish I could go back in time and change things so we wouldn’t get to where we are? Absolutely. But this isn’t the movies, and they aren’t all my decisions to change.

I know that you think I’m to blame for this, you say you’ve changed and I’m the one doing this to us by not giving you another chance. Well I understand now why you feel that way. I understand that this is your normal; that you have never known any different family dynamic. But I have, and this can’t be my new family dynamic. It hurts too much.

It hurts me when you say I am not giving you a chance, because I have given you chances. It hurts me (and scares me) when you drink and become the tornado of fury that is you drunk (I know you don’t believe me, but it happens). It hurts me when you lie, and think you can do things behind my back; that feels like you think I’m too dumb to figure it out, and that hurts too. It hurts me when I feel like my feelings are so unimportant that you’d rather do what it is you want to do, and deal with me being angry later. It hurts me when you tell me I’m not really “that” sick. It hurt me when I was going through withdrawal, and knew it was because my pills had gone into your stomach, instead of mine where I needed them to be. And then it hurt me when you lied about it, and fed me half truths to get me off your back about it. It hurts me to realize that this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this. It hurts me that you sat by and watched me go through withdrawal, knowing it was because of what you did, and said nothing. It hurt me every time I had to go to a social engagement alone, and make up some excuse for why you weren’t there. It hurts me to feel like people talk about that fact behind my back. It hurts me every time you left the house, because I knew you were going to buy beer, or weed, or maybe shoplift, and I had no idea if you would come home, or if I would get a call that you were in jail. It hurts me to feel like I was that unimportant to you, that you would take those risks, knowing the situation we were dealing with. It hurts me now, to come home to a house that is not a home anymore, it’s just an empty shell of the life we used to share. It hurts me to feel like I am an empty shell of that life too. I had so many plans for our life together, so many experiences I wanted to share with you, my best friend, that it hurts me to realize that all of that is gone now. It hurts me to feel that I have failed you, that I am giving up on you; and it hurts me that you feel that way too. It hurts me that because of this you will not be able to get the things you’ve been wanting and needing in your life for so long.

It just hurts, all of it. My soul hurts, and I’m not sure if or when it will stop. But this is what I need to do.

I truly hope you have changed, and that you will make yourself better because of this. I hope that you are happy again one day, and that your life becomes everything you want it to be.

I love you with all of my heart, and I will always love you…

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Sometimes a girl just needs her Mommy…

Note: to understand this post one needs to understand the sort of relationship I have with my parents…it’s a close one. Like tell them everything, rather hang out with them than my friends sometimes, sort of close. 

My parents moved away, like away away (1000 miles away, to be exact), about 7 months ago. I was ok with that fact; I’m an adult, I had my husband and my best friend, and my grandmother not too far away…I’d survive. Until my entire world imploded in approximately 48 hours…and the word “divorce” suddenly became part of my every day vocabulary.

I don’t remember the last time I wanted my mom so much; I was literally “this” close to just getting in the car and not stopping until I was laying in her bed SO many times over the next couple of weeks. But I resisted…because I’m a grown up now…and that’s what grown ups do…

Until, miracle of miracles, my mom was on a plane to HERE! (It’s a not-so happy reason why, involving my grandmother injuring herself, but it’s ok now…and it worked out well for me!)

Even better? She is staying indefinitely! 

I can’t explain how much it puts me at ease just to know she is here…I feel so much more grounded having her around. Not only is she my sounding board, for just about everything, but she is also my best friend in the whole world, my safe-place to release all the emotional junk floating around inside me lately.

I finally feel like everything is going to be ok, as long as she is around…

Did I mention that I have the best mom ever? ❤

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A good long cry…

Tonight I stopped at “home”…MY home; the apartment I am currently still paying for, but haven’t slept in for a while, and don’t plan to sleep in any time soon. The “home” that HE (the husband, ex, person-that-I-am-not-with-but-still-legally-married-to) is currently living in, and not paying for. Yeah, THAT “home”… (hence the quotes).

Anyways, I stopped there…I needed a few things, and kind of just wanted to check on the place. I wanted to see if he had actually done anything he was supposed to do (preparing to move out, mostly); and I wanted to make sure he was still feeding my cats, and not drinking or using, or trashing my house, etc.

When I got there, he wasn’t home…now, this is a GOOD thing, as I would really rather not see or deal with him right now. But it begs the question, where WAS he? I really don’t care…truly. But I do hope he was out arranging his life so that he can move out and I can have my apartment back…and I hope he wasn’t out obtaining or using drugs or alcohol. That’s all I care about…

For some reason though, walking into the empty apartment brought up a major rush of emotions. It’s my home, but it’s not my home. It’s like an empty shell of the life we shared together, sort of like how I feel…

All my things are there; my cats, my clothes, my makeup, photographs and pots and pans…yet am not there, the essence of me is gone. It doesn’t feel like home…it doesn’t feel like I belong there anymore. All the photographs are still on the wall, from our wedding, and our entire life together…but it doesn’t feel like that’s me in the pictures. It feels like I’m looking at someone else’s life…an empty shell of someone else’s life…

So I cried, a good long cry. Because what else is one to do when one’s life isn’t their own?

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“This too shall pass…”

One of the not-so-obvious things I’ve been struggling with lately because of this divorce is the lack of physical touch in my life now. I used to yell at him to stop pestering me with his incessant poking and squeezing and just generally annoying little touches, especially when I was having a painful day; so it didn’t occur to me until recently how much I am desiring physical touch in my life (and have been for a long time, because annoying poking doesn’t count!)

That, combined with the fact that the divorce is still a secret from everyone but those closest to me, leaves a very alienated and alone feeling.

A hug from a friend this morning who I know really cares helped, but it was fleeting…so I sit here wishing there was someone I could call and just say “come hold me please?”

The same good friend (unknowingly) reminded me of what used to be my mantra years ago when training in martial arts…”this too shall pass”…so I guess I will just remind myself of that instead.

This being alone, something I’ve never really done, has a learning curve…for real.

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Happy freaking valentines day…

How am I spending my first sort-of “single” valentines day? Sitting on a stinky couch, in the back room of a shady biker bar, drinking Sprite and smoking a cigarette. At least there are plenty of interesting people to observe…

Not kidding, these just happened…right in front of my face…

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And then there is the guy dressed in a cape, circulating around the room showing off his fangs and attempting to convince people to join him in his crusade to change the worlds opinion of vampires. Yes, vampires. “Vampires are the happiest people on earth”, he says, “because of course they can never frown, they would cut their lips on their fangs!” Naturally. Everyone knows that.

And of course the fortune teller that I have been listening to as she gives strange, very obviously absurd and made up, fortunes.

One year ago right now, I was laying in bed watching tv with my brand new husband (yes, actually WATCHING tv, you sicko).

Funny how only 365 days can change everything…

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Tomorrow, tomorrow…you’re always a day away….

Like my little Shirley Temple tribute? No, I will NOT sing it, DON’T ask. 😛 That song always plays in my head when I think about “tomorrow”, and it is always in my mom’s voice, as she used to sing it to us all the time when I was a kid. 

That song has been in my head a lot this week, as tomorrow is not only Valentines Day, but also my first wedding anniversary. Yeah…talk about a big bowl of suck. :/

The one day of the year where the whole country is love obsessed; where everything is pink and red and covered in hearts, and wherever you go there are couples acting so in love it’s sickening…and I am just sad. And hurt. And angry. 

One year ago right now I was so excited I could barely contain it; I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off making sure that my bouquet got delivered, my maid of honor got picked up at the airport, his shirt and my dress were both ironed…and literally sewing my veil at midnight after quite a few glasses of wine. (Yes, it turned out beautifully, despite the wine, lol). 

I can’t help but think, as I think back to this time last year, should I have known then? Should I have had a different answer when he got down on his knee? Should I have seen in his behavior that I was making a mistake? Was it a mistake? 

Meanwhile, as I reflect, my “husband” is meeting dates on Craigslist, and laughing about it in my face. Strangely enough I don’t care that he’s meeting dates, I don’t really care what he does, but I do care that he is enough of a jerk to throw it in my face. 

I could “shrink” him (I’m pretty good at that) and say that he’s just hurt, and rebounding, and trying to make me realize that I don’t want to divorce him…but frankly I don’t CARE why he’s doing it. It’s an asshole thing to do, and it makes me even angrier at him. 

I wish I could make him understand that he’s not the only one hurt by this…

 

Image

 

The afore mentioned veil :]

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A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad…Night

Yeah, that pretty much sums up the night I’m having.

You know how you know it’s a bad night? When you’re laying, half on the bed and half off it, just staring at the floor, because you attempted to sit up and couldn’t do it. When you’re brushing your teeth sitting on the toilet lid, supporting your arm on the counter just so you can hold the toothbrush. When you can’t even swallow enough to get your pills down. When the thought of making it across the room, where there are no walls or furniture to hold on to, is absolutely terrifying. 

My body is full of concrete, can’t move it, won’t move it. Even now, typing this, only my fingers can move. Yet my entire body is twitching in random jerking movements, somehow it can move itself, just can’t move it…apparently.

This twitching really freaks me out, I have to say. It drives me crazy; it hurts and it’s exhausting, and it scares me because I don’t know what is causing it. I have a referral to a neurologist, but I haven’t called yet…I’m terrified to go, and have them tell me “oh nothing is wrong with you”, AGAIN. After running a bunch of annoying, usually sucky and painful, tests…of course. 

And the pain…oh the pain. That is all I will say about that….

Add to all of that the fact that it is almost midnight and I am not in the least bit sleepy…perhaps due to all of the miserable-ness. Regardless, even after taking Benadryl, here I lie, wide awake. At least if I could fall asleep things would (probably) be better when I woke up…

Am I whining? Yep. Deal with it. Tonight I don’t care, I’m allowed.

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SO much excitement… :/

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Let me just tell you how thoroughly excited I am that these babies are back in my life. (Can you hear my sarcasm?)

After quite a few years injecting myself with first methotrexate and enbrel, then vitamin B12…I have really enjoyed the last year or so where needles have not been a fixture in my household.

Oh well, here we go again I guess…this better freaking help me feel better!

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Annndddd they’re back!

For about a month I have not been feeling too terribly awful, physically that is. It’s a little easier to cope with my day, and the pain hasn’t been quite as intense or as constant. (Oddly enough I haven’t had any pain killers for about a month, coincidence? I think not). I have also noticed a reduction in my neurological symptoms; less migraines, less trouble forming words/sentences, fewer electrical shocks, and the best part, virtually no twitching!

Last week I saw my doctor, who was almost as excited as I was about the decrease on neuro symptoms; she was convinced that the twitching had been a medication side effect and that now I was off the med it would stay gone. Although she did still give me a referral to a neurologist, just because she is proactive like that and wanted me checked just in case.

I sat there in her office skeptical, I said “maybe it was a medication side effect, but I doubt it. It can’t be that easy.”

And lo and behold, I woke up today twitching like crazy, mixing up words, stuttering…and yesterday I had an electrical shock that was pretty bad.

Did I tell her so, or did I tell her so?

I am SO done with this.

I’ll be starting lots of new supplements this week, so hopefully that will help. Methylcobolamin injections (B12), Deplin (methyl folate), vitamin D, magnesium, and a higher probiotic count. If they would just hurry up and come in the mail already!

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