I saw my therapist this morning…and his 2 notes of advice for today were 1) to get my anger out somehow (see yesterday’s post about how I’m feeling)
and 2) to attend a support group. #2 is in the works, but #1 I am stumped on.
I’m used to anger, if you met me in person you might be surprised by that statement…but it’s true. It’s one of my Bipolar Brain’s favorite emotions to throw at me, usually out of no where. So I’ve developed coping strategies; you’re reading one of them, plus doing some sort of physical activity (used to be running, then as I got sicker I switched to yoga), talking to my support system…you know, the usual “healthy” coping mechanisms you would find in any self-help book. I have a degree in psychology, I could WRITE the freaking self-help books.
My therapist says that anger turns in to depression when it’s balled up and kept inside, and the last time that happened I ended up in the hospital under a Baker Act…so I would prefer not to go to that place again, personally.
The problem is this, none of those seem to work today. I’m writing, and talking, but I have no words to use to describe this anger. No matter how much I write, or what I say, there is still this giant ball of anger and hurt just sitting in my chest. It won’t budge.
I’d like to just go and run until I can’t run any more and I’m sweating and crying my eyes out…like I used to do all the time. But after the fiasco that was yesterday’s physical therapy session, and the amount of pain/fatigue I have today, I wouldn’t get very far…and I’d probably render myself useless for days by hurting myself or wayyyy over-doing it.
So I guess I’m left with going home to a boiling hot Epsom salt bath, with candles and music, and hopefully a good long cry. Maybe that will help…