A good long cry…

Tonight I stopped at “home”…MY home; the apartment I am currently still paying for, but haven’t slept in for a while, and don’t plan to sleep in any time soon. The “home” that HE (the husband, ex, person-that-I-am-not-with-but-still-legally-married-to) is currently living in, and not paying for. Yeah, THAT “home”… (hence the quotes).

Anyways, I stopped there…I needed a few things, and kind of just wanted to check on the place. I wanted to see if he had actually done anything he was supposed to do (preparing to move out, mostly); and I wanted to make sure he was still feeding my cats, and not drinking or using, or trashing my house, etc.

When I got there, he wasn’t home…now, this is a GOOD thing, as I would really rather not see or deal with him right now. But it begs the question, where WAS he? I really don’t care…truly. But I do hope he was out arranging his life so that he can move out and I can have my apartment back…and I hope he wasn’t out obtaining or using drugs or alcohol. That’s all I care about…

For some reason though, walking into the empty apartment brought up a major rush of emotions. It’s my home, but it’s not my home. It’s like an empty shell of the life we shared together, sort of like how I feel…

All my things are there; my cats, my clothes, my makeup, photographs and pots and pans…yet am not there, the essence of me is gone. It doesn’t feel like home…it doesn’t feel like I belong there anymore. All the photographs are still on the wall, from our wedding, and our entire life together…but it doesn’t feel like that’s me in the pictures. It feels like I’m looking at someone else’s life…an empty shell of someone else’s life…

So I cried, a good long cry. Because what else is one to do when one’s life isn’t their own?

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Filed under Divorce, Uncategorized

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