Monthly Archives: February 2014

THAT person…

Last night I did what I never thought I’d have to do…I bought a safe. And not just any old safe for paperwork and such, a big lock box that will now contain all of my medications (pain killers, anti-anxiety meds, etc.) and any cash and valuables I may have in the house. Because I don’t trust my husband…

I hate that I am that person now…

What person? you ask…

The person who doesn’t trust her own husband so much that she has to lock up everything important. The person who is worried about whether all the money in the bank account will disappear, or what he will steal/sell/break when she’s not looking. The person who is afraid to bring home medication that she desperately needs, because her husband might steal it. The person who is terrified every day of coming home and finding him drunk or highagain.

Yeah. THAT person.

So now I sit here, trying to figure out what to do about my banking situation, so that he won’t have access to my hard earned rent money. And worrying about who is going to move out, and where I’ll go if it’s me. I’ve always paid all the bills on my own, with very little help here and there from him, but for the most part what little he earned was our savings…so that also means that now my, very fragile, financial safety net is gone.

Days like today I just want to run away, and lay in a hole somewhere (preferably my mom’s bed) until this whole thing just goes away. Or perhaps get into a Delorean and go back in time to a day…maybe August 26, 2009…or November 15, 2009…or December 31, 2012…anyway, some day where I could make a different choice so that I wouldn’t end up where I am.

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“Hi, my name is Addison…”

So last I worked on tip #2 from my therapist…attend a support group. (See post “What to do when nothing helps…?”)

My therapist gave me a list of meetings in the area, and after talking to my best friend about it I decided to give it a try. My dear friend is a recovering addict, and spent like 5 years in NA herself…so she was totally familiar with the meeting concept and offered to go with me. She said it would be a good thing for me to go, because even though I say I am not that upset about what he did, it is still effecting me, and will for a long time.

So we picked the closest one to her house and went.

The group was an AL-ANON group, which is for loved ones of alcoholics. I am not sure that this is quite the category I fall in to, but the fact is that my husband is an addict and the concept is essentially the same.

As we walked in and sat down I thought “what the heck am I doing here? I don’t need to be here!”…completely ignoring the fact that I was trembling like a leaf all over. People went over “the steps” and the rules of the group, and the whole time I’m thinking “is it time to go home yet?” And then people started “sharing”.

Yes, sharing as in “hi, my name is Addison”; group says in unison “Hi Addison”. You know the drill.

So some people shared, nice stories; some happy, some sad. About how they’re learning not to be codependent, or to let their alcoholic fight his/her own battles, and learning to accept that they do not have control over anyone but themselves.

And then this woman started talking, and she said “I didn’t grow up in a home where people drank alcohol, at all, so I spent quite a few years trying to figure out if what my husband was doing really was normal, realizing that he was the one with the problem…and that the person I married was an alcoholic”.

And I sort of lost it. Full on panic attack, heart beating out of my chest, hyperventilating, the works. Oh, and the crying…the never ending crying.

In the end, as we left I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt. Angry I guess, a lot of it at myself. Sad, depressed, exhausted…all of those emotions and then some too. I thought I would feel better, but I didn’t. I guess that’s part of the process…

Last night was honestly the first time that I have questioned if I am making the right decision. There were so many women there, with spouses who have addictions, and some had wedding rings on and some didn’t. How is one supposed to know when to stay and when to go?

My mood today? Sad.

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“Down to One” – Melissa Etheridge

What went right
What went wrong
Doesn’t really matter much
When it’s gone

Was it too hard to try
Was it too hard to lie
Did you just grow tired of hello and goodbye
Was it the naked truth that made you run
Where do I go now
That I’m down to one

Sooner or later
We all end up walking alone
I’m down to one
My heart is a traitor
It led me down this road
Now it’s done
I’m down to one

I want to know where I failed
I want to know where I sinned
Cause I don’t want to ever feel this way again
Was the wanting too deep
Did it block your sun
Where do I go now
That I’m down to one

What am I supposed to think
What am I gonna say
What did I ever know
About this love anyway

Melissa Etheridge always soothes my soul. 🙂

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What to do when nothing helps…?

I saw my therapist this morning…and his 2 notes of advice for today were 1) to get my anger out somehow (see yesterday’s post about how I’m feeling)
and 2) to attend a support group. #2 is in the works, but #1 I am stumped on.

I’m used to anger, if you met me in person you might be surprised by that statement…but it’s true. It’s one of my Bipolar Brain’s favorite emotions to throw at me, usually out of no where. So I’ve developed coping strategies; you’re reading one of them, plus doing some sort of physical activity (used to be running, then as I got sicker I switched to yoga), talking to my support system…you know, the usual “healthy” coping mechanisms you would find in any self-help book. I have a degree in psychology, I could WRITE the freaking self-help books.

My therapist says that anger turns in to depression when it’s balled up and kept inside, and the last time that happened I ended up in the hospital under a Baker Act…so I would prefer not to go to that place again, personally.

The problem is this, none of those seem to work today. I’m writing, and talking, but I have no words to use to describe this anger. No matter how much I write, or what I say, there is still this giant ball of anger and hurt just sitting in my chest. It won’t budge.

I’d like to just go and run until I can’t run any more and I’m sweating and crying my eyes out…like I used to do all the time. But after the fiasco that was yesterday’s physical therapy session, and the amount of pain/fatigue I have today, I wouldn’t get very far…and I’d probably render myself useless for days by hurting myself or wayyyy over-doing it.

So I guess I’m left with going home to a boiling hot Epsom salt bath, with candles and music, and hopefully a good long cry. Maybe that will help…

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How do you feel?

How do you feel?

Several years ago I lived with a roommate who had this poster on her refrigerator, along with a little square magnet to put over how you were feeling that day. It came to mind today as I was thinking how quickly my moods change lately. As someone with bipolar disorder I am used to rapidly changing moods, however (LUCKILY!) these are much less severe than what I experience when I am not on medication.

But I do feel like I need one of these posters to carry around with me to illustrate how I am feeling…since it changes every few minutes. People ask “how are you?” (Gee I just love that question!) and I never know what to say. So I think I’ll just carry one of these posters around and point…”right this minute? THIS one.” (Maybe along with a “rate your pain on a scale of 1-10” chart, that way we can cover emotional and physical pain in less than 30 seconds and I don’t have to say anything!)

*I am not trying to say that I don’t appreciate peoples concern, I do! And please, ask away if you really want to know how I feel…but prepared for the truth if you ask. Ain’t nobody got time for sugar-coatin’ stuff.

Today’s emotions? Anger. Sadness. Guilt. (Pretty much the usual culprits)

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February 3, 2014 · 4:42 pm

My blogging motto.

My blogging motto.

Perfectly said, Mr. Hemingway. :]

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February 2, 2014 · 6:44 pm