Monthly Archives: April 2014

Desperate Detox Measures

I have sat down several times in the last couple of weeks to write this post, and somehow it just never gets written…I guess it’s a weird topic to write about!

As part of my lyme disease treatment I have recently started doing some things to help with detox…namely, coffee enemas. (I know, I know…)

I won’t go in to the details, you all know how google works, and I will put some links at the end of this post if you really want to know. Or you can always email me if you want an actual explanation of the nitty gritty details, or help with how to get started doing them yourself.

What I do want to tell you, however, is my experiences with doing them.

I started doing them because I knew I was killing (or hopefully killing!) lyme buggers, and needed a way to make sure they were getting out of me! (If the dead buggers and the neurotoxins they release don’t get out, they cause awful herx reactions, which are quite unpleasant to deal with, to say the least!) Other, perhaps more popular, methods of detoxing are epsom salt baths, dry saunas, etc. Well where I am staying at the moment I do not have access to those things. So that left me with the enemas, and since detoxing is so so SO important, I figured it was worth a try.

The first few times I started slow (less coffee then is recommended), and didn’t really feel any different afterwards. So I got frustrated and gave up for a couple of weeks. But I have a friend who swears by them, and she insisted that I needed to give it another try, so I did.

After doing one daily for a couple of weeks now, I feel comfortable saying that they DO help. The biggest thing for me is that I can literally be in a lot of pain, have a headache, and just be feeling really crappy, and after an enema I can go to bed without needing a pain killer or headache medication or anything. That is essentially life changing when you deal with the amount of pain I deal with on a daily basis. Now, it is not a miracle cure, this does not mean that I have NO pain…it just means that it lowers the levels from “OMFG kill me now!” to “I can handle it”.

I also have noticed that my “IBS” symptoms have been much much better lately. I am not sure if this is due to my recent diet changes, the guns blazing attack I have been waging on candida, or the enemas…or all of the above. But regardless, I’ll take it! Being able to eat a meal without running for the bathroom is a wonderful thing :].

I am pretty confident that the enemas are part of the reason that I have not had too many issues with herxing over the last 4 weeks. I have had a couple of doosies (yes, I said doosies, don’t mock me), but nothing nearly as extreme as I have heard of other people experiencing, or what I expected to experience. We shall see, however, if this continues to be the case when my doctor switches up my meds in a couple of weeks!

The downside is that the enemas are a huge energy suck. I do mine right before bed, because once I do it I have no choice but to go to bed and lay down. I have absolutely zero energy, often so little that I can barely stand or walk for more than a few seconds. I see this as a plus, however, it means my body is working hard on getting me well and getting rid of toxins and buggers!

So for now, all grossness aside, I guess I’ll keep doing them. I can’t argue with decreased pain, and at this point if it’ll help me feel better, I’ll try it!


Information links:

Click to access How_Coffee_Enemas_Work.pdf


Filed under Chronic Illness, Uncategorized

Sick and tired?…

I’m sure most of you have heard the saying “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired”, it’s a favorite among chronically ill people…I don’t generally feel that way though. I’m used to being sick and tired, what I am is sick and tired of is having to HIDE how sick and tired I am. I’m sick and tired of having to struggle through day after day of work, and taking care of everyone and everything, all the while pretending that I don’t need to be in bed taking care of myself (or even better, with someone else to take care of me!). I’m sick and tired of keeping my “everything is totally fine and I don’t feel like dying” face on.

I know it’s probably wrong to say this, but I’m sick and tired of falling in the in-between; between “I don’t feel good, but I can still keep up my normal life” and “I’m too sick to get out of bed”. I wish for once that my body would just pick one end of the spectrum and stay there. This whole “I feel like I’m dying, and often wish I was, but I can still somehow manage to get done most of the things I need to do” is killing me.

*Don’t hate me for saying that!

And please, don’t tell me that it gets better with treatment, I’ve been preaching that message to myself and others for weeks…it’s not what I need to hear right now. Cognitively I KNOW it can get better with treatment, physically/mentally/emotionally I just don’t care today.

I don’t know why, but weekends are my worst days. I don’t know if the stress of the week catches up with me, or the fact that Sunday is my no-antibiotics day so that catches up to me, but weekends suck…especially Sundays. 😦


Filed under Uncategorized

Swiss cheese

You wanna know what the problem with growing up in a very sunny place, like I did, is? Skin cancer. It’s a problem everywhere really, especially when you are fair skinned and freckly like I am, but especially in places where it is hot and sunny 10 months out of the year.

This morning I had “precancerous” skin cells removed, for the 3rd time in less than a year. Medically speaking this is not a big deal, all 3 were caught early enough to just require minor surgery to remove them and that was that. Dermatologists rank skin cancer issues mild-moderate-severe-atypical-then CANCER. So 2 of mine have been “mild” and one “moderate to severe”. No biggie.

But this being the 3rd one now, I am starting to feel a little like Swiss cheese…full of holes!

From now until eternity I will go faithfully to my check ups every 6 months, and stand there while the doctor inspects every single one of my 19472901738 freckles, and inevitably every time she will find at least one that needs biopsy-ing. With my current stats 1/2 of my biopsies come back positive, so there will inevitably be more holes, stitches and scars.

It’s ok, you can just call me Swiss Cheese Girl.

The moral of this story? WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN FOLKS! 🙂


Filed under Uncategorized

Faith and Doubt and the In-Between

I generally attempt to keep religion/politics off of this site, but seeing as how it’s Easter and this post is just so incredible I guess I’ll make an exception. Matt had so wonderfully put into words my thoughts/beliefs, so much better than I ever could have.

I wish you all a lovely Easter full of happiness and joy. Whether you celebrate the religious origins of this day or not, it is a holiday and holidays are always a good excuse to remember to be grateful for those who love us and celebrate them. ❤

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized


I learned the most miraculous thing this week, that I am actually not *just* fat and out of shape!

I was recently diagnosed with something called POTS, which stands for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (A mouthful, I KNOW). What’s THAT, you ask? “Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) is a form of dysautonomia. POTS is a subset of orthostatic intolerance that is associated with the presence of excessive tachycardia on standing. The current diagnostic criteria for POTS is a heart rate increase of 30 beats per minute (bpm) or more, or over 120 bpm, within the first 10 minutes of standing”.

I have been researching this condition some lately, as mine seems to be flaring up, and is making me quite uncomfortable. Every time I stand up I get so lightheaded that I have to hold on to things and wait for it to pass, and several times my vision has gone black and I have nearly passed out (passing out is very common in people with POTS). So in my research I came across this symptom list…

“Many POTS patients also experience fatigue, headaches, lightheadedness, heart palpitations, exercise intolerance, nausea, diminished concentration, tremulousness (shaking), syncope (fainting), coldness or pain in the extremeties, chest pain and shortness of breath” I have SO freaking many of those symptoms (fatigue, headaches, lightheadedness, heart palpitations, diminished concentration, tremulousness, pain in the extremities, chest pain and shortness of breath!), although most of them could be caused by any number of the 20183273 other conditions I have. But what got me was the “exercise intolerance” thing, what the heck is that!?! So naturally, being the research junkie that I am, I looked it up…

Exercise intolerance is a condition where the patient is unable to do physical exercise at the level or for the duration that would be expected of someone in his or her general physical condition, or experiences unusually severe post-exercise painfatigue, or other negative effects” 

Hmm…that sounds like ME!

For years now I have complained to doctor after doctor that I just can’t exercise, that every time I try I feel absolutely awful and nearly collapse, and of course I get told every single time “well it’s not easy for anyone at first”. Yeah, I say BS. I have literally been unable to function after 8 minutes on a stationary bike at physical therapy, that’s NOT just being out of shape. I once, at age 15, had a cardiac workup because I kept having spells of nearly passing out and heart palpitations at school (hmm…sound familiar?). The doctor sent me for a stress test, a test that involves walking on a treadmill at a gradually increasing speed and incline. During this test my heart rate skyrocketed and they had to stop early…the doctors solution? I was “overweight and needed to join a gym”. *Note, I know most of you don’t know me in person, but I am most definitely not obese, and at age 15 was at an incredibly healthy weight for my body type and DID workout quite frequently! (This doctor ended up blaming my issues on my use of “Xanax” which I have never taken in my life. Idiot.)

So last summer I requested a heart rate monitor for my birthday, as I wanted to begin attempting to work out to lose a little weight (taking 124532 meds for years which ALL have side effects of weight gain will really mess up a girl’s body) and felt I should keep an eye on my heart rate. I was already on a beta blocker at the time, since a while before that my resting heart rate (heart rate after sitting still for at least 15 minutes) was consistently around 115-120 (normal should be 60-80) and it was extremely uncomfortable. So given my history of heart rate issues I wanted to keep an eye on it while working out.

I began lightly jogging a couple of days a week and wore the monitor every time, and every time it would record strange things such as drops down as low as 40 beats per minute while walking, and spikes up to 220 beats per minute when bending over to stretch. I told my doctor and she said the monitor was probably inaccurate. After that, due to increased pain and back issues I was told not to jog anymore, so I started going to the gym to do the elliptical machine. Low and behold, every single time I got on the machine it’s built in heart rate monitor would record my heart rate as 160-170 beats per minute in the first MINUTE I was on the machine. According to The American Heart Association my target heart rate for during a workout is 100-170 beats per minute. Something told me that I should not be hitting the top of that range in the first 60 seconds of a work out…so I asked my doctor, “I have no idea” was her reply. Keep in mind that all of this time I have been on a blood pressure medication designed to lower my pulse, imagine what those numbers could have been like without that pill!

I can’t explain how angry it makes me to know that no less than 5 doctors have missed this, relatively simple to diagnose, condition and instead have chosen to destroy my self image rather than do a simple test. The records I recently received from the first cardiologist 10 years ago indicate that he was heading in the direction of a POTS diagnosis when he randomly decided it must be due to my “xanax use” and told me I was fat and did not need to come back to see him.

The more I read about POTS the more I realize it has been causing a lot of issues that I was writing off as normal with chronic illness or even normal for normal people for years. And needless to say, the more relieved I become to finally have an explanation besides “you’re fat and out of shape” Now to recondition my brain to actually believe it…


Filed under Chronic Illness, Uncategorized


This defines me divorce, right here in one sentence.

Leave a comment

April 19, 2014 · 9:43 pm

Ointment for the soul

Today, on my only day off for rest, I decided that my soul was in need of some soothing. So I put on my sexy yoga pants and baggy T-shirt, and headed for the nearest craft store (what else would I do to soothe my soul, of course?), where I spent a good hour wandering every aisle relishing how nice it was to be able to do so without a husband tailing me and complaining “can we GO yet?”. Another baby step in learning to enjoy my solitude accomplished…

I found a couple of projects to work on, which will keep me busy for a while. I find that I often have a hard time staying in bed, even when I desperately need to, as I get bored and feel lazy laying around doing nothing; so I learned a long time ago that having a project to keep my hands busy helps with that problem. Not to mention that there is just something incredibly soothing about sitting down and creating something from nothing, from beginning to end. 

The only downside is that I may say now that crafting and creating is soothing, until I get halfway through a project and it is frustrating me so that I am screaming at it…happens every time. In the end it is yet another lesson in perseverance I suppose…

Wish me luck and if these are successful projects I will post pictures of the results! 

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

NOT a mistake

“One of the most helpful things I heard during my divorce was that the fact that divorce is the right choice now doesn’t mean that getting married was the wrong choice then.”

This statement has been one of the most important I have ever read during this whole divorce process, and I find I have to keep reminding OTHER people of it’s truthfulness. I think it is especially a problem since I have been married for such a short time.

So friends, always keep that in mind, whether it be in reference to me or anyone else you may know who is going through divorce. The divorce process itself is difficult enough and carries enough of a stigma about it that such simple statements as “just chalk it up to a bad decision and walk away” or “we all make mistakes” can be devastating (I have been told both of those and more recently).

I do not regret for a second being with my husband, or marrying him…and you shouldn’t regret it FOR me either.


Quote from this article:

Leave a comment

Filed under Divorce, Uncategorized


I’m an introvert, painfully so at times, but I am also a people person (they just have to be the right people!). Sometimes I say that to people and they don’t believe me that I’m actually very introverted, because I don’t seem like it (apparently, so I’ve been told). I need people, a lot. I need to talk, and be around people, and share things. So much so that I guess I seem extroverted, but it’s really only with a small group of people. Between my family and couple of close friends, plus I have been meeting quite a few people on the internet lately, I find it much easier to cope if I can talk to someone. I feel like I annoy people with my incessant need to talk (or listen, or even just be silent together), but the truth is I just want to feel that I am not alone in the world.

I have been trying lately to get better at being ok alone, it’s something I’m going to have to get used to I guess, because it has not been easy.  The only word I know to really describe how I feel is isolated, yet I am really not isolated. I’m around people all the time, I talk to people like my boss, my mom or my grandma or people on the internet quite a bit. I just feel all alone, in life in general I guess.

I feel this almost crushing loneliness a lot of the time. I feel so alone that it is actually painful.



Filed under Uncategorized

Stupid brain

“I don’t know how to explain it, but my brain isn’t working. It is like I’m doing things, and I think I’m doing them just fine until I go back later (like the grammar in this and my last few posts :[ ). Also it feels weird, my brain. I need to think of better words to describe it.”

I wrote that paragraph a couple of weeks ago as an attempt to start a post, obviously that did not work out too well. What’s weird is that it doesn’t sound like me, especially the last 2 sentences, it’s not how I write things.

The point is, that I feel such a loss of control over my brain lately. I feel like my intellectual abilities are just gone, I feel dumb. I feel like I try so hard to be coherent and logical when I write, and then I go back and read what I’ve written and it is riddled with errors. So very frustrating.

I miss feeling smart, and confident in my mental abilities. It used to be that I never questioned whether I could do something, the only thing that mattered was the amount of effort I put in. I used to dream of going to school, graduate school, a doctorate program, and then of being a scientist and making a difference in the world. But it wasn’t just a dream, it was a plan that I could accomplish with enough effort. Not so much anymore. Now it is just a dream, and what feels like a foolish unattainable one.


Filed under Uncategorized