Just rip the bandaid off

Today was a really hard day…but that is totally the understatement of the year. 

Today I filed for divorce. I did it. Almost 3 months after I told my husband I wanted a divorce, and almost 2 months after I moved out of the house, I finally did it. 

I woke up this morning and said “I need to just DO it. Just rip the bandaid off and get it over with”. So I got dressed, drove the the courthouse, and sat in the car for a minute just attempting to breathe. As I walked inside I couldn’t help but notice the sadness, it was as if the walls themselves were sad, and all the people working there as well. I guess courthouses just are not generally happy places, but the criminal one I used to work in seemed much less sad than this, civil, one did. Luckily everyone was very nice, and as I handed them my paperwork and the exorbitant amount of money it costs to file for divorce, they instructed me to “have a seat on that bench and wait for your name to be called”. So I sat down, and glanced over at the only other person waiting there, a middle aged blonde woman who had her head tilted back leaning against the wall, and tears mixed with mascara streaming down her face. That was it, any composure I had left was gone, I put my head in my hands and sobbed; and together we sat on the bench of misery and cried until both of our names were called.  

I have no words to explain what that feels like, other than death; like my soul was actively dying as I sat there. As I looked at that other woman it was like looking in a mirror, all of the pain, heartbreak and soul death in her face I knew was written all over mine as well; and I found myself wondering, who is she? What, no doubt horribly painful, circumstances landed her on this sad bench? How will she recover from this? How will I recover from this? 

For the last several weeks I’ve been ok; I’ve been cheerful, and moving forward with my life. I thought, “hey, I’m ok, I’m moving forward, I’m going to survive this”. I even counseled a friend of mine who is going through a similar situation as if I was wizened by all of this, as if I had moved on and learned and grown from this; as if I had a few, not all, of the answers. And then I sat on that sad bench today with my head in my hands and realized “I’ve been fooling myself. I’m so NOT ok”. 

9 Comments

Filed under Divorce, Uncategorized

9 responses to “Just rip the bandaid off

  1. To not be okay, it okay. It’s a loss, real grief. It’s like the relationship died, and you need to mourn. It’s gonna be hard, but it will get easier.
    You don’t know me, just found this blog and read it. Basically it was like you were writing to me, about me.

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  2. I’ve done this twice. You have to mourn what was and what you thought would be. I think as women we take it harder starting the process. It does feel like death. I’m sorry. You will move on, the years will lessen and one day you’ll be able to move on. Give it the time it deserves no matter what the relationship was. It IS a death. The death of your marriage. You can do this. I know waiting was hard but the first steps are always the hardest. Keep going!

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  3. You may not be ok now (might even be weird if you were), but you will be. Hope each day finds you more peace. 8)

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