Just rip the bandaid off

Today was a really hard day…but that is totally the understatement of the year. 

Today I filed for divorce. I did it. Almost 3 months after I told my husband I wanted a divorce, and almost 2 months after I moved out of the house, I finally did it. 

I woke up this morning and said “I need to just DO it. Just rip the bandaid off and get it over with”. So I got dressed, drove the the courthouse, and sat in the car for a minute just attempting to breathe. As I walked inside I couldn’t help but notice the sadness, it was as if the walls themselves were sad, and all the people working there as well. I guess courthouses just are not generally happy places, but the criminal one I used to work in seemed much less sad than this, civil, one did. Luckily everyone was very nice, and as I handed them my paperwork and the exorbitant amount of money it costs to file for divorce, they instructed me to “have a seat on that bench and wait for your name to be called”. So I sat down, and glanced over at the only other person waiting there, a middle aged blonde woman who had her head tilted back leaning against the wall, and tears mixed with mascara streaming down her face. That was it, any composure I had left was gone, I put my head in my hands and sobbed; and together we sat on the bench of misery and cried until both of our names were called.  

I have no words to explain what that feels like, other than death; like my soul was actively dying as I sat there. As I looked at that other woman it was like looking in a mirror, all of the pain, heartbreak and soul death in her face I knew was written all over mine as well; and I found myself wondering, who is she? What, no doubt horribly painful, circumstances landed her on this sad bench? How will she recover from this? How will I recover from this? 

For the last several weeks I’ve been ok; I’ve been cheerful, and moving forward with my life. I thought, “hey, I’m ok, I’m moving forward, I’m going to survive this”. I even counseled a friend of mine who is going through a similar situation as if I was wizened by all of this, as if I had moved on and learned and grown from this; as if I had a few, not all, of the answers. And then I sat on that sad bench today with my head in my hands and realized “I’ve been fooling myself. I’m so NOT ok”.