Knowing my body…

Just because I know my body, doesn’t mean I always like her. Sometimes I feel down right betrayed by her. How dare she have the nerve to look like a perfectly healthy young woman, yet feel like an 87 year old grandma. That’s just not fair.

And then there is the ever present battle inside the chronically ill patient; my mind tells me I want to do something, and that I should, but my body and past experience tells me that I will majorly regret it if I try.

I’ve felt pretty good recently too good. So naturally my brain starts in with “maybe you could try to_____” or “if you just took it really easy…”

But I’ve been down that road before, I’ve taken the chance and reallly regretted it. And then my body decides to drive the message home (just in case I was actually thinking of doing something) with a few days of feeling really crappy and completely out of control of my own body…just to make sure I remember that I am actually not in charge here. :[

So this sequence of thoughts always leaves me feeling down, remembering all of the things I used to be able to do but can’t anymore.

For example, I used to train in martial arts (Tae Kwon Do); I have a 4th degree black belt that took me close to 13 years to earn, as well as an instructorship position, referee certification, and awards from having competed at both the state and national levels. Now I haven’t trained in several years, and can barely make it through the grocery store without wanting to collapse. My two younger sisters, for some strange reason, have decided to take up karate (they’re bored, and crazy lol)…so all of a sudden ALL they talk about is karate this, and karate that. Recently at a family dinner they were going on and on (and ON!) about it, and it got me thinking, “maybe I COULD do that again?” I miss it so much more than I can explain; it is the one thing that I light up when I talk about, and I can talk for hours and hours about it! So I started to get excited; I thought maybe I’ll pull out my uniform, do a little training alone so I can take it as slow as I need to. I can do this!

But nooooo…my body decided I needed knocked down a few pegs. I was getting a little too energetic and optimistic. So it decided to not let me get a decent nights sleep for several weeks now, plus increase my fatigue and pain, and oh let’s throw in some major motor tics too (just in case I started to think I actually had control over my own body!) Not to mention a POTS flare up and some random blood sugar drops, just for good measure.

Thanks body, love you too. :/

15 Comments

Filed under Chronic Illness, Uncategorized

15 responses to “Knowing my body…

  1. Hi Addie Marie 😀 I am quite overwhelmed by what a young you is going through. There is not much left in a Medical Dictionary for you to have !! 😉
    I just can’t imagine what is going through your head when you want to do so much, but your body won’t let you.
    I really do wish you well, happiness, lots of friends (real ones who understand) and a good life. Hugs. Ralph ❤

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    • Ralph, thank you my friend. 🙂 I have often joked over the years that the only thing left for me to have is cancer, and it’s only a matter of time…in a light hearted manner of course :). Luckily I have been blessed with some really awesome (real) friends who DO understand, or do their best to. ❤

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      • That’s great news. How do you manage to blog with such lively sisters around ? I am on my own with 2 scatty cats, so it’s no problem for me to blog. ❤

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      • Luckily I don’t live with them. I can only handle small doses of my sisters. 🙂 I love scatty cats, I have 4 who are currently living with my ex husband. But I miss them! Glad you have some to keep you company! 🙂

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      • I do hope that you have help as I find living on my own can be very tiring with housework and so on. Your condition is so much worse than mine and I’m sure you tire easily ❤

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      • You are very sweet. After my divorce I will be living alone, for the first time ever! Housework does get very tiring, as does very thing else! But I will manage, I am strong! 🙂 There is no such thing as a “worse” condition, we all suffer, just differently! I do tire easily, and deal with a lot of pain, but I’m sure you deal with other things that are not a problem for me. It’s all about perspective my friend. 🙂

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      • You have such a wise head on such a young shoulder Addie Marie. So true. Our conditions are personal. Even if we had exactly the same, we would react differently.

        Yes. You’ll manage with that strong positive approach to your future. I hope you don’t have to move house. ❤

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      • Thank you. 🙂 You become a rather mature person when you have to deal with all I’ve had to deal with in my short 24 years of life :). And no, I am doing all I can to avoid moving house, for at least another year!

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      • I can understand how such things can affect you. That’s good not having to move house for a while.

        If you ever want to talk, my email address is in my Gravatar, Addie Marie.

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      • Well, that’s the goal…as long as I can get my ex husband OUT of my house lol. Thanks 🙂 I have been reading your blog for a little while, as we have a mutual friend/reader/follower who mentioned you are always entertaining..and she was right. 🙂 The same goes for you, not sure if my email is on there or not, but if not I will PUT it there. 🙂

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      • Haha. That must be Katie !! I see her avatar around here. We do have a bit of fun even when she posts serious issues. I’ve got to go now as it’s late here in Spain and I have a few things to do. Don’t forget. Email me if and when you ever need to, my new friend. Ralph xox ❤

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      • Katie IS pretty awesome. 🙂

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      • Yes, she is and you are too 😀

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      • You are too kind sir. You’re pretty cool yourself. 🙂

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      • Wow. Thank you Addie Marie 😀

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