“I don’t know how to explain it, but my brain isn’t working. It is like I’m doing things, and I think I’m doing them just fine until I go back later (like the grammar in this and my last few posts :[ ). Also it feels weird, my brain. I need to think of better words to describe it.”
I wrote that paragraph a couple of weeks ago as an attempt to start a post, obviously that did not work out too well. What’s weird is that it doesn’t sound like me, especially the last 2 sentences, it’s not how I write things.
The point is, that I feel such a loss of control over my brain lately. I feel like my intellectual abilities are just gone, I feel dumb. I feel like I try so hard to be coherent and logical when I write, and then I go back and read what I’ve written and it is riddled with errors. So very frustrating.
I miss feeling smart, and confident in my mental abilities. It used to be that I never questioned whether I could do something, the only thing that mattered was the amount of effort I put in. I used to dream of going to school, graduate school, a doctorate program, and then of being a scientist and making a difference in the world. But it wasn’t just a dream, it was a plan that I could accomplish with enough effort. Not so much anymore. Now it is just a dream, and what feels like a foolish unattainable one.