I was thinking tonight, as I have been a lot lately, about a friend who is going through some hard times, as well as her family who are by extension experiencing a difficult time.
I can’t say I’ve ever been in the situation she is in, and for that I am glad. But watching her and her family go through this has made me feel a couple of things:
1.) I feel grateful that I do not, and have not ever, really felt the need to be someone I’m not. I may not always know who I am, or like who I am, but I do not ever feel the need to pretend to be someone else. The parts of me that I know and am familiar with, I like and would not change for anything in the world…the parts of who I am that I don’t understand, I’ll just love and respect anyway and fudge it until i figure them out. It pains me to watch my dear friend feel like she needs to fake who she is, and pretend to live a life that isn’t hers…I don’t know if she realizes that that is what she is doing, but that’s my relatively expert assessment of the situation. It’s sad, really sad, because who she is is wonderful, and beautiful, and special. There are days I envy her some aspects of her life, and I am sure that there are many people in the world who would trade her in a heartbeat…although she would never believe me if I told her that. I mean, I get why she is doing it, and I sort of don’t blame her…but it makes me sad for her, that she does not know how to love her life for what it is. It also makes me sad, and scared, for her because from what I can tell her need to live this opposite life is going to cause some really negative consequences, and has already to an extent. So I am glad, I am who I am, and I love that. No apologies, no hiding it; take it or leave it baby.
2.) Number 2 ties in to number 1…I feel thankful that I have the moral compass that I do. I am a very black and white person…right is right, wrong is wrong, and most of the time I know the choice I need to make because my instincts leave no questions unanswered. It makes me sad and concerned for my friend because she does not have that…I can see her, metaphorically speaking, drifting in this vast sea of lies and poor choices…and it is going to destroy her one of these days, maybe soon. The sea has been rising for many years, and is getting very close to enveloping her and I am afraid she will drown. She has never understood why I place such an importance on truth, something as simple as “if so-and-so asks just tell them _____” or staying out past curfew and sneaking in the house feels so wrong to me that it makes me physically ill sometimes. When it comes down to it, I choose to live my life 100% open and honest, and it doesn’t matter how trivial something is, if it doesn’t meet that criteria I want no part of it. And I love that part of me…sometimes it causes trouble, and sometimes it hurts (sometimes it hurts a lot), but it’s me, and it’s a good thing.
Also, I am thankful that I have never felt the need to be angry at the Universe or life for handing me the rather shitty health card I’ve been dealt. I have never really said “why me?” or “this isn’t fair!”..and I’m so glad. I like my life, as hard as it is sometimes, I’ve learned a lot and it has made me a much better person for it.
3.) I feel eternally blessed to have the wonderful parents that I do. They are my best friends, the foundation of my entire support system, and have taught me many of the wonderful things that make me who I am. It is not lost on me how lucky I am that I can tell them anything and everything, and I don’t have to feel like I need to lie or keep things from them…I have never really felt that way. It makes me sad how many people I have encountered in my life who do not have that with their parents. Somehow I seem to attract these friends who come from dysfunctional families, maybe it’s because somehow the Universe knows that I need to teach them sometimes…that’s what I hope it is anyway.
4.) I am glad that after many many years I am finally learning how to stand up for myself a little bit, how to vocalize my needs and thoughts completely unapologetically. I have opinions and thoughts, and they are usually good ones…and I have things I need, and it’s ok to ask for them.
It was nice to write this post tonight; I’ve been feeling rather down lately so it was nice to sit and force myself to write out a little gratitude. I am very worried about my friend, and what consequences her choices are going to bring her soon; but the situation was starting to make me very stressed and I needed to turn it in to a positive thing for me, as well as put a little distance between it and myself with a conversation I had to have tonight.