To understand this post you have to understand my history with “downhill”…it has happened to me quite a few times over the years that I have been sick where for whatever reason I go suddenly and severely downhill. I used to call them “flares” when my diagnosis was fibromyalgia, now with lyme I have no idea what to call them anymore…still “flares”?
I also used to go to my doctor and tell her “I’m flaring” and I would walk out with a prescription for steroids, painkillers, or whatever else she thought would help “pull me out of it”. Sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn’t.
No two “downhills” were ever the same either; sometimes it was pain, sometimes fatigue or other symptoms…and sometimes it was much worse than other times. Once, my senior year in high school, downhill meant 2 months in a wheelchair in massive amounts of pain and so much brain fog that I don’t remember most of that period of time. The most recent downhill meant so much pain I ended up on daily oxycontin and was still so miserable I couldn’t function; it meant months of barely functioning, barely getting out of bed, every single symptom intensifying a LOT, and getting to the lowest point mentally that I have ever been…I was convinced that by now (5 months later) I would be housebound and applying for disability. All of that in spite of the massive doses of steroids my doctor threw at me, and the highest pain killer I have ever been on. (now I know the steroids probably made things much worse, too bad I didn’t know that then )
So now maybe you will have a little bit of an idea of what I mean when I say this…
I feel like I am going downhill.
I know, I know…”It’s probably a herx”. (Please don’t say that to me right now)
Not everything is a herx, and herx just doesn’t make sense in this situation. Not to mention my instincts say this is downhill, and they are usually right.
It sucks. It’s like standing at the edge of a cliff blindfolded, knowing someone is about to push you off, but not having any idea of how far you have to fall or what is at the bottom. Yeah, told you it sucks.
I can’t sleep, can’t breathe, can’t move; I feel like I need to cry or throw up or both. My body feels like I did 300 squats and then someone beat the crap out of me. I’m laying in bed and the entire room is spinning around me and I think my head may explode. I managed to take a shower without collapsing tonight, but just barely and it was old-lady-style…thank goodness for shower chairs and bars to hold on to! I feel so miserable I just want to scream, but I definitely don’t have the energy for that! I barely have the energy to type, it’s wearing me out so much, so this post is almost over for sure.
Yes, if this continues I will be calling my LLMD, so relax.
I hate that this is my life, going from downhill to downhill, and spending the time in between waiting for and worrying about when the next one will strike.
Lyme disease freaking sucks.
Crap. The bathroom is entirely way too far away. :[