Yep, definitely crazy

So you know a while ago when I said here that I was feeling down and melancholy, but that it wasn’t exactly like a bipolar mood swing? I take it back. It’s exactly like a bipolar mood swing. I’m sure now because now I’m having manic episodes.  

Perfect. Just what I needed.

Before starting treatment for lyme I was 99% perfectly managed on my mood stabilizers. I had only one or two, very mild, mood swings every few months. Now? Every day is a different mood, some days more than one. 

Friday afternoon I was happy…unfortunately. That’s one of the worst things about being bipolar, I can never just be happy…I’m always afraid it’s the beginning of a manic episode. Friday, it was. I got happier, and happier, until I was shaking with energy and bouncing off the walls (almost literally). Driving too fast, screaming at the top of my lungs, ready to go run an iron man marathon even though less than an hour before I was exhausted and in a ton of pain. I couldn’t think, didn’t want to think, my mind was going a hundred miles an hour. I needed to DO something, scream, run, jump off a bridge…anything to make it stop. 

It was the worst manic episode I have had in 5 years, since I started taking the mood stabilizer I’m on now (probably longer than that!). Luckily a phone call to my mom helped me ride it out until it passed, or I probably would have ended up in the hospital. 

*Note: I have the best mom ever. She gets random phone calls from me every other day or so now, because I’m in some weird mood, and she just talks it out with me until it’s over. She keeps me sane. 

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

There is a reason I may be the most med compliant bipolar patient you will ever meet, it’s because I hate feeling this way. I hate how when I am symptomatic, everything that is good about who I am is gone. 

I have never encountered a physical symptom, pain level, or issue that I couldn’t cope with…but I cannot, will not, put up with feeling like this. 

Now, what to do about it? Ugh. 

2 Comments

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2 responses to “Yep, definitely crazy

  1. Christine

    I thank you SO much for sharing honestly and openly. Since suffering from and treating Lyme disease, my mental health has taken a beating, and I can appreciate how difficult this is for you.

    Like

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