People like to tell me that I’m strong, brave, inspiring…it means the world to me, really, but I just don’t believe it. I’m not anything special, I’m just here doing what anyone else would do in my shoes…the best I can do with what I’ve been given.
And the truth is, I’m really not strong, or brave, and I’m definitely not inspiring.
I’m scared, and I’m weak; I’m sad, and I’m alone…and I’m done.
You know what I did tonight? I sat in the shower, after a quick 5 minute shower done sitting in a shower chair, and cried for a longggg time because I couldn’t get out. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, I could barely even cry. I felt like I was dying, and I really wished I was.
I’m not sure why I’m using past tense here…I still feel all of those ways.
It took me over an hour to get out of the shower, dressed, teeth brushed, pills taken, and in to bed. Tasks that should take me like 10 minutes total.
Now I’m laying here in bed, barely able to move more than my fingers (thank goodness I can still move those!), in agonizing pain. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think, it hurts to be alive. My legs feel like they are literally dead (happens every time I lay down lately, sounds fun right?), my head is pounding, my face feels like someone beat it to a pulp, and my back aches so badly I have no words to describe it.
Yet this morning? I was fine. I made a bunch of phone calls, checked things off my to-do list, had a good day at work, was even in a fairly good mood…and then I crashed.
I want off this roller coaster ride of “ok” days and horrible days.
I don’t want to feel like this.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
See? Told you.