“Here I am, rumbling along in my pigpen of emotions, lost on my sofa for eons now, feeling inadequate in so many vital ways. I’ve lost a sense of myself. It’s unnerving to feel adrift and unmoored from the natural grounding forces of my work, marriage and society. Many hours waffle by where I am reeling in confusion… Loving is about all I have left that I can do. Or so it seems. Patiently, I listen to all that goes on in their days. I listen to what is in their hearts and on their minds. This I can do readily and in peace… By loving I am staying alive… If I can’t trust that I’ll get well, if I can’t trust that I’m a valid person by the mere fact of just being me, at least I can trust that I’m still good at loving.” -Out of the Woods, by Katina Makris Pg. 131
I have been reading this book for a month now, and I’m only halfway through. Partly due to how foggy and full of cotton my brain has been lately, I find it almost impossible to read most days and end up just setting the book down and staring at the wall instead; but also partly because it has been a very tough book for me to read.
The book chronicles the authors battle with chronic Lyme disease, and is so well written that it is physically painful for me to read at times. I’ve been there. I’ve felt that. I remember how much that hurts. I feel that way right now. I am all too familiar with that dark, fearful despair. I know that hopelessness.
I feel as though I am feeling every pain and emotion through the pages of the book. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful book, and I think anyone who knows someone with Lyme disease should read it, as the author does such an amazing job of painting the picture of just how isolating and hopeless and scary this disease is. But be forewarned, if you are ill yourself, it’s tough.
For some reason this passage got to me, in both a happy and a sad way. It says exactly how I feel, only much more eloquently than I could ever say it.
I don’t know who or what I am. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever get well. I don’t know if I even exist outside of this disease. But I do know that I am good at loving .