Real talk.

It’s really nice to have this blog to pour my thoughts into, especially the thoughts I don’t want to say out loud or bother other people with.

Like this one tonight….

Ready? It’s time for some serious real talk now…

I’m jealous. I’m angry. I’m sad. Mostly I’m just jealous.

I have quite a few friends with lyme disease, some I knew before I was diagnosed and some I met in support groups after. It’s lovely to have people who really understand what I am going through, and have been doing their own research, to talk to and share ideas with.

However, it sucks to watch them get better. Not for them, obviously, I’m overjoyed for them…but for me it sucks.

I have a very close friend; my age range, diagnosed just a few weeks before me, sick for quite a while (but maybe not as sick, or for as long as I have been)…who after pretty close to the same amount of time treating is in the gym working out, going out and partying, feeling better. We see the same doctor, therefore have pretty similar treatment protocols…but he’s better and I’m most definitely NOT. 

I’m so extremely happy for him. But damn…

I know, I know…”everyone is different, you can’t compare…blah blah blah”. I don’t care. I care, just not tonight. 

I’m sick. It royally fucking sucks. I’m not sure if I’m ever going to get better. So yeah, I’m jealous.

 

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I want to do with my life, who I want to be; and while I am excited about where I think my instinct is leading me, I find myself insanely jealous of people who can just make these decisions without having to worry if their brain will be too foggy to pass classes/exams, or their body will be too weak to withstand that internship, or whether they will end up too disabled to be able to actually have a career at all.

That makes me angry.

 

Alright, I’m done. It may be safe to say that the antibiotics induced mood swings are back :[

Check back tomorrow or the next day for a post on a new treatment I am trying tomorrow! :]

11 Comments

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11 responses to “Real talk.

  1. Good luck with the new treatment Addie Marie. I hope this one works for you. ❤

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  2. Hope the new stuff works!!! The uncertainty of it all is maddening.

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  3. Christine

    Yes, yes yes, 10,000,000,000 times, YES!! I am happy when other people get better, but so filled with insane sadness that it’s not me. I’ve been sick for almost two years and have been getting treatment for just over a year. I’ve seen others get well enough to return to work, go running, etc., and I’m barely functional. It is very, very painful emotionally.

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    • I’m am glad someone else feels this way, I feel so bad for feeling it sometimes. I’m soo happy for them but jealous at the same time. 😦

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      • Christine

        From what I’ve heard, seen, and experienced, it’s normal to feel that way. It’s not that you want others to suffer, you just want to feel well, too!

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      • I’m sure it is normal, just not normal for me 😦

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      • Christine

        Oh, I hear you, sister! Loud and clear, believe me, I do. There’s nothing like quite enduring the emotional pain of all that goes along with being this sick.

        I thank you for sharing openly, because it honestly makes me feel less wacky about what I’m going through.

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      • I’m glad! I am all about sharing openly! Email me if you ever need to talk! ❤

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  4. Yep, I know exactly what you mean. I have a friend who has all sorts of horrible things wrong with her, quite a few have fatigue as a symptom, so we have a lot in common.
    I’ve been avoiding her because she’s getting better. I feel like a horrible person. I am a horrible person. But I’m so jealous. And very happy for her too. But seeing her success makes me sad for my lack of it.

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