Monthly Archives: September 2014

The end of the end (Warning: Language…sorry)

Well, I have a hearing set for my divorce. It’s a month from now, and apparently I’m already freaking out just a teensy bit…

In a way I kind of can’t wait for it to be over; mostly just so people can stop saying crap like “oh I bet you’re excited!”, or “are you looking forward to it?”.

No, I’m not fucking excited. No, I’m not looking forward to it.

It’s the official, for-real, no-going-back-now, this-is-a-big-fucking-deal, end of my marriage.

Why the hell would I be excited for that?!

It’s not an exciting thing. It’s not a thing one looks forward to. It’s a thing that hurts like hell. It’s a very very sad thing.

It’s a necessary thing.

It means going back to my maiden name, a person that doesn’t even feel like me anymore. It means a whole new signature, new credit cards, and explaining to everyone and their mother why my name is suddenly different (doctor’s offices are the WORST about this).

Although on the plus side it also means no more thinking of him every time I have to spell his name out for someone, no more explaining to people why I have a Hispanic last name when I am most definitely not Hispanic, no more hearing “oh congratulations!” when I tell someone I haven’t seen in a while that I got married, and best of all, no more explaining to people why they don’t need to be congratulating me after all.

I am, however, very glad that my soon-to-be-ex has sworn angrily to not attend this hearing. I think it might break me to have him there; not for me, but because I couldn’t look at him without seeing how much this is killing him. I’ve seen it in his face every time we have to discuss the divorce, like a wounded puppy, and it breaks my heart and makes me cry every single time. I can see him, I can be friendly with him; just not that day, not there.

So, I lied, it might upset me a little bit too…I’m not really sure. As ok as I have been lately, and as much of a positive thing this divorce has turned out to be for me, it still sucks.

I loved him. I still love him. I hate that this happened to us. I miss him. I miss being us.

I don’t really know how I feel, but I can tell you that it is not excited. Sad, hurt, guilty, scared, anxious, and a teeny bit relieved maybe…but definitely not excited.

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Who do you think you are?

I think too much. It’s a well known fact. Well lately I’ve been thinking about something, and it’s a rather strange thing to think about.

If I asked you to describe your personality in 3 words, what would you say?

I would say loving, calm and intellectual.

Now here is my thought…

I have bipolar disorder, rapid cycling to be exact, I have for many years. I remember realizing I was having symptoms around 12 years ago, I was diagnosed 8 years ago and have been very well stabilized on medication for the last 6 years. The medication I take is great, I don’t really have any side effects and it works very well. I’m not like the bipolar people you see on tv and in movies who are constantly going off of their medication because they don’t like it and complain that it makes them “slow” or “dull”. I like my medication, and even more so I don’t like being bipolar, so I think I’ll keep taking it…thank you.

But I have been thinking lately about personality and what makes our personalities what they are. From what I’ve learned in school personalities are made up of genetics, and childhood situations. They occur in our brains as neurotransmitters that dictate feelings such as happiness. I realized recently that I have no idea what my personality is. For as long as I can remember I have been bipolar; before I was on medication I was going from manic to depressive and back again every few minutes or hours, without any real breaks in between, meaning that my neurotransmitters were completely out of whack! Since I’ve been on medication I am very stable, I don’t get manic, and very rarely get depressed…but I have realized that I don’t very often have “normal” emotions either. My friend described me as “very even keel”. The medication is designed to calm the neurons in my brain so that they do not release as much of their neurotransmitter, this leads to less neurotransmitter floating around in my brain, and fewer moods. So it’s not a stretch to think that this would lead to fewer moods in general, not just fewer bipolar moods…this is a pretty normal effect of bipolar medication, it’s referred to as a “flat affect”.

I’ve never thought that I had that problem, and I really don’t. People with true flat affects never smile, or frown, or cry, or have any sort of emotion. I do, it just doesn’t usually show…if that makes sense. I feel things, although sometimes I do have to remind myself of what I should be feeling in a certain situation; and when I do feel things, I don’t cry, if I smile a lot of the time it is a halfhearted one. I’m just, calm. 

Don’t get me wrong, I like being this way. Knowing what it feels like to be on the emotions roller coaster that is bipolar disorder I have no complaints about being this calm, it’s a relief actually. It’s just strange to think that if our personalities are made up of neurotransmitters and the emotions they produce, and my neurotransmitters have been manipulated by a disorder and then a drug for so many years, what is my real personality?

Is this me? Or is this the me that the drug makes me?

** DO NOT by any means freak out over this post. I have NO intentions of going off of my meds or doing anything crazy like that, I am simply pondering…I do a lot of that, it’s ok.

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Filed under Chronic Illness