Monthly Archives: October 2014

“I love you present tense” – The Fault in Our Stars

“I’m thinking ‘bout the way people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand, me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just wanna tell you I am…” – Thinking Out Loud, Ed Sheeran

I am currently obsessed with this song, which is surprising given it’s romantic nature, something I haven’t been able to tolerate much of since my separation from my husband.

Like the song says, I have been thinking a lot lately (surprise surprise) about love, and feelings in general; why we have them, what dictates who we have them for, and how society views our feelings.

Chances are most of us have had one of those moments, you know the ones, where someone makes your heart flutter and your head feel faint. Most of us have had someone we just couldn’t stop thinking about, that we wanted to talk to all the time and spend every waking second with. Some people term it “puppy love”, although I’m not entirely sure what that means.

What is it that decides who we fall in “puppy love” with? Of course there are the usual stories, the cute guy from your English class, or that really sweet guy you met on that online dating site…but what about the stories that break the mold? The married man you can’t stop thinking about, or maybe you’re happily married and can’t stop thinking about someone other than your spouse; that person you can’t explain why you feel differently about than the rest of your friends, even though you have never considered yourself gay before; the infamous unrequited love story; or an abuser who only hurts you. What is it that sends our hearts into these painful situations? We usually know so well that we should not fall for these people, but it doesn’t matter.

Why?

According to society as whole, these scenarios are ones where we should not have feelings…yet it happens anyway. It’s out of our control. We can tell the feelings to go away, although I don’t know about you but personally that doesn’t usually do much good.

Married people are “off limits”, we use derogatory terms for people who fall for married people such as “the other woman” or “mistress”; and vice versa, married people are supposed to be faithful, and those who admit to having feelings for someone other than their spouse are termed “cheaters”, “scum bags” and any number of other names people (usually women) have made up. People who admit to having feelings for their heterosexual friends are often made fun of, and it’s not uncommon for the friendship to fall apart because of it. We all know the tragedy of the unrequited love story, at least these people are not usually made fun of, instead they are pitied…which I’m not sure is any better. People who stay in abusive relationships are often blamed, said to be at fault for the abuse since they choose to stay in the relationship.

We all know this stuff, I’m not telling you anything new or shocking…so why do we continue to find ourselves in these situations? I have personally found myself in every scenario I mentioned above, not because I was oblivious to the impossibility and almost certain heartbreak of the situations, but because my heart didn’t care.

Why is that? Why don’t our hearts care that situations like these will almost certainly break us? Even better question, why do we as a society look at people who find themselves in these situations in such a negative light? We know we’ve pretty much all been there at least once…yet still the stigmas exist.

Some say that these people are just desperate for love; that they’re lonely and sad. Others look to old adages like “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” and “we always want what we can’t have” to explain away situations like these. While I agree that sometimes these are accurate, I assert that this is not always the case. There have been times where they were definitely not true for me, personally.

So I’ll ask again, why?

A quick Google search for “what decides who we are attracted to?” yields 48,200,000 hits on topics ranging from “Your brain on speed dating” to articles listing “5 Insignificant things that determine who you have sex with”. Apparently I am not the only one wondering about this topic. The list of insignificant things includes things like the tilt of your head, the length of your ring finger and the number of scars on your face as factors in who we are attracted to. (…if you say so…) While the article “Your brain on speed dating” utilizes fMRI imaging techniques to look at what areas of the brain are most active when a person is viewing a potential date. Based on this information they claim that there is a section of our brain that forms a, rather shallow, first impression of the person followed by a second area that evaluates the persons compatibility with ourselves. Alright…that’s an interesting tidbit of information, but neither of those really answers my question.

So here are my thoughts on the matter…

We all need to love and be loved; it has been scientifically proven that without love we will die (for real, not being dramatic).

I think something in our soul recognizes something in someone else’s soul that draws us to that person…sometimes it’s temporary, sometimes it’s lifelong. Either way, it’s beautiful and wonderful, even if it ends up hurting, because our soul needed to encounter that person’s soul. I think often(but not always) there is something for us to learn from these situations, and our souls generally tend to keep us there until we’ve learned it; or sometimes there is something we are supposed to teach the other person. Although other times there is no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens. It’s like our souls have magnets, and sometimes we encounter someone who’s soul has an opposite magnet and we are automatically drawn together by that magnetic force. Sometimes our magnets stick together for a long time, and other times they simply touch and bounce off of each other again. Sometimes they never touch at all, but simply come close to each other and then move away.   

If you look at it as I do, there are no mistakes when it comes to love as long as you follow your soul’s pull. Maybe this is a cop out, maybe it’s me justifying the “mistakes” I’ve made (and if you look at them as mistakes, there are a lot of them); maybe it’s me trying to soothe the heartbreak of my recent divorce by telling myself that I did not make a mistake in marrying him in the first place…but I don’t think so.

I’ve loved hard and deeply, I’ve trusted my soul (for the most part), I’ve been true to myself and honest even when it hurt…and I’ve hurt a lot; I’ve shattered into a million pieces, and then put myself back together. In the end, though, I’ve followed my soul…I haven’t let society’s opinions of who I should and shouldn’t love stop me from loving anyway. I’m proud of that.

Love is incredible, it’s magical and wonderful and mysterious; it’s hard and scary and painful too. It doesn’t make sense, at all, and that’s part of the beauty of it.

I have come to the realization that, as painful as it is, our hearts feel what they feel and there isn’t really a whole lot we can do about it. I started this post wishing that I could know why my heart betrays me like this, but I’m ending it with the sense that understanding that would take away the magic that is love…and goodness knows I do not want that.

Articles referenced in this post:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/04/13/o.laws.of.sex.attraction/index.html?_s=PM:LIVING

http://www.cracked.com/article_19663_5-insignificant-things-that-determine-who-you-have-sex-with.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2229190/Study-reveals-parts-decide-romantically-attracted-to.html

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Filed under Divorce, Uncategorized

My poor “broken” heart

It’s been a rough couple of weeks, I haven’t felt up to writing about it but I think I’ll try now.

In my post Salt, Socks and Heartbeats  I told you all about the heart conditions I had been diagnosed with, and that I would need to have a pacemaker placed. Well fast forward a couple of months, pacemaker is in and working fine, but here I am writing yet another post about my “broken” heart.

I was in the emergency room twice last week, both for heart issues. The first time was kind of crazy, I laughed about it because it was like straight out of the movies. My heart rate was very high so I drove myself to the ER and walked in, told the woman at the desk that something was wrong with my heart and was immediately plopped in a wheelchair, rushed to a bed, hooked up to an EKG machine….the next thing I knew there was a doctor and 5 nurses running into the room. The doctor stopped short, took one look at me talking to the tech and said “you’re STABLE?!”…”uh, last time I checked?”…

So they rushed me to a private room, and started hooking me up to all kinds of monitors. They had called a “code” like on tv, because every nurse in the ER was in my room running around like I was dying! They hooked me up to the crash cart! (That thing that they use on tv that they yell “clear!” and it shocks you).

Long story short, they had to give me adenosine, a medication that temporarily causes ventricular asystole (an episode of no cardiac activity) and is used to reset the heart and pull it out of dangerous arrhythmias. In normal person words, they stopped my heart temporarily and lucky for me when it restarted it decided to behave itself and beat like it’s supposed to.

A check of my pacemaker showed that my heart rate had been an average of 223, with a maximum of 273, for an hour. That is NOT good for your heart.

The ER doctor was very nice, and did not make me spend the night in the hospital on the condition that I see my cardiologist the next day. At my appointment my cardiologist said that I was not on nearly enough beta blocker (medication to lower your blood pressure, but also lowers heart rate and can help prevent arrhythmias), so he doubled my dose.

Fast forward 24 hours and I’m back in the ER. This time it was an average of 242, with a maximum of 273, for half an hour. My poor poor little heart. :[

Again, back to my cardiologist I go…this time I insist that the beta blocker (obviously!) isn’t working so we switch to another one, that is a much higher dose and I take it twice a day instead of just once.

The good news is I have managed to make it 6 nights so far without a trip to the ER (isn’t sad that I’m counting?).

The bad news is my heart is still acting up…it’s doing some sort of strange arrhythmia thing as I write this, which isn’t ER worthy, but doesn’t feel good. My poor cat is sleeping on my chest and keeps jumping because she feels my heart do something strange.

My gut feeling is generally right…and it says I am headed for at least one more surgery, maybe more. That’s a lovely thought. And no, I’m not being dramatic, depressed, or whatever other way you want to minimize what I’m feeling. I’m a realist, and I’ve been sick long enough to know my body and when something is really really wrong; and this is bad. 

I hate this. I hate that every time my heart does something weird (which is ALL the time) I panic, “are we running to the ER again?” “is it going to stop?” “what if this time something really bad happens?”.

Tonight I am sad that I feel like any minute now my body will turn on me again.

I’m angry that I underwent a (really terrible) surgery that was supposed to fix things, and it didn’t. Now I may be looking at another (probably terrible) surgery that may or may not actually fix it this time.  I’m angry that my primary care doctor basically “called” this 2 weeks after my pacemaker surgery, when she questioned the cardiologist’s decision on which device to give me…if she was right all along I am going to be furious.

I’m overwhelmed with all that needs to be done now, I am going to get a second opinion from a different kind of doctor who specializes in electrical disorders of the heart (probably where I should have been going all along), but that means tons of paperwork, going over my entire medical history, and the stress of wondering whether or not he will freak out over my lyme diagnosis and antibiotic list.

I’m scared that it could happen again at any moment. I’m scared that I know that having heart rates that high is damaging to your heart, so what kind of damage has already been done? And how much more damage has to be done before we can figure this out and stop it?

This sucks.

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Leibster award

liebster-award

I was nominated for the Liebster award by Rachel at http://collegeoncrutches.wordpress.com/ (for some stupid reason it won’t let me do the nice links 😦 If anyone wants to help me figure that out, feel free please!). She is such a sweetheart for nominating me, I’m so honored that she likes my blog! If you haven’t already, go check her blog out! It’s raw, real and awesome! It’s one of my all time favorites 😉

 

Instructions for presenting a Liebster Nomination:

-Thank the blogger who nominated you.
-Post the Liebster Award image on the acceptance post and/or as a widget.
-Share any 11 facts/things about yourself.
-Answer the 11 questions given.
-Nominate other bloggers
-Compile 11 questions for your nominees.
-Let your Nominees know by commenting on their blogs.

 

11 facts about me:

1. I sleep so hard that I’m borderline comatose
2. I love some weird food combinations (fried egg on peanut butter, raisins in cottage cheese, skittles in brownies, maple syrup on scrambled eggs, you get the idea…)
3. I am closer to my cousin than I am my sisters
4. I have worn glasses since I was 8 years old
5. I find sleeping during the day, with sunlight filling the room, super relaxing
6. I always, always, ALWAYS wear at least 2 shirts at once
7. I only wear “real” shoes a handful of times a year…I’m totally a flip flop girl :]
8. I never ever brush my hair
9. I have a habit of listening to the same song on repeat, for weeks and weeks on end
10. I only dance while cooking
11. I cannot stand the feeling of wet paper, I seriously will not touch it

Questions from College On Crutches:

1. Where is the most interesting place your blog has been read?- I noticed some views in Pakistan a few weeks ago.
2. What is your favorite libation?- Well when I am allowed to drink (which is not anytime soon) I am a big fan of a nice sweet white wine, or a Southern Comfort and Coke. :]
3. Kindle/ipad or “old fashioned” book?- “Old fashioned” for sure. It’s just not the same on a screen.
4. If you could do anything in the world what would it be?- Become a doctor and heal people.
5. When did you decide to start blogging and why?- Almost a year ago (note to self: check on that date), and I’m not really sure why. I think something deep down inside me knew that my life was about to be flipped upside down and I would need the outlet, and boy was it right.
6. How do you feel about sharing your story with the internet? Is it fun? Nerve wracking?- I love it. I am very much an open book, there isn’t much I won’t talk about, even to people I don’t know well…but this is different. Here I can write my deepest thoughts, things I don’t want to bother my friends with, or things that just are not meant to be spoken out loud. It is also nice that (as far as I know) there is only 1 person who reads this blog who knows me in person, so I can write what I want and not feel strange knowing that so-and-so knows x, y, and z.
7. What’s your “specialty meal”?- In my family I am famous for my green bean casseroles (a favorite of mine), and my “World Famous Bean Dip” (a 7 layer taco dip)
8. What is your favorite holiday and how do you celebrate it?- Christmas. I find the traditions associated with the Christmas holiday very comforting. I love the rituals of decorating, the family tradition of the Christmas Eve candlelit church service, the opportunity to put effort into picking gifts I know everyone will like, the family time, and the excitement for the coming new year.
9. Who is one person who has changed your life for the better?- I have a dear friend who I think came into my life at just the right time, and who has made the process of divorce and finding who I am without my husband quite a bit easier…although she probably has no idea that she has.
10. What do you do to unwind from a long day?- Meditate, then lay in bed and binge watch my favorite tv shows
11. Who is your favorite author, or do you have a favorite book?- There is no way I could pick just one! Some of my favorites are Little Women, The Scarlet Letter, Anna Karenina, The Scarlet Pimpernel, and pretty much anything Jodi Picoult

Questions for nominees:
This post is taking forever, so just answer those questions ^, or make up your own, I don’t care 😉

Nominees:

http://realwomanshealth.wordpress.com/

http://sickandsickofit.wordpress.com/

http://lindseyslymelife.wordpress.com/

Gee whiz that was long! Have fun! 🙂

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Where o where has my brain gone?

I miss my brain.

I’ve been sick my entire life, but there were quite a few years where I was not “THIS” sick…and I was smart, and funny, and I thought about things. Now? I’ve spent the majority of my waking hours today staring at the wall; I’ve been sitting here for an hour trying to write something worthwhile and I simply can’t. So instead I tried to read, yeah right!

Today I feel worse than usual, which is saying something. It’s probably the IV antibiotics I started last week catching up with me, or maybe the fact that I’ve had a particularly long and stressful week, maybe that’s catching up with me. I’m lacking sleep since I spent 2 nights this week in the emergency room, I’m stressed because my doctor keeps blowing off my concerns and the fact that I keep ending up in the ER, I’m angry about that too. I also probably did way too much housework all at once last night. Whatever the reason, my body and mind have both crashed, and it sucks.

I recently went back to school, which is awesome, but it’s made me realize just how bad my brain is now. I have realized that I don’t remember much of anything. Of course I can remember dates, conversations, when my doctors appointment is, etc. but I cannot for the life of me remember what I read 5 minutes ago or what the professor said yesterday in class. Thank goodness I take awesome notes…a learned skill I’m sure, since this issue has been getting worse and worse over the last 8 years.

 


 

So I wrote this 2 1/2 hours ago, yet never posted it because I’ve been sitting here staring at nothing like a zombie. Where has my brain gone?

 

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Filed under Chronic Illness

Strength in my Scars

I often feel like many of my friends and family don’t understand why I am not self conscious about my scars; why I don’t care if they show and don’t shy away from things that may cause more. This is why. ❤

College on Crutches

**Warning: Scars & Self Harm are discussed. Read on if you wish.**

My body is home to an abundance of scars. Some are easily seen, while others are at the heart level, hidden from view. These scars have a variety of causes. Many are the result of my previous cutting addiction, some are reminders of surgeries, medication reactions, and mishaps from my childhood, and the rest have unknown origins.

I used to be ashamed of my scars. I thought people would judge me if they saw them, so I was always careful to keep them covered. When I was younger and a scar formed on my leg from a bad reaction to a medication, I wouldn’t let anyone see it. For years I covered it with a band-aid, hoping it would simply blend in with my skin. (I don’t think it worked.) When I was older and had marks from…

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The Great Hibernation

I am planning a hibernation. A for real, serious, not leaving my house for a very long time, hibernation.

I’m stockpiling food, committing to absolutely no obligations, warning everyone that every plan is tentative at the moment, and getting things that I’ve been wanting to do done so that they won’t be hanging over my head. I’ve got a list of tv shows and movies to watch, books to read, and projects to work on. Oh, and my cat to keep me company.

I’m ready. Let’s do this.

Fact is, it’s not actually going to happen, because unfortunately life requires leaving the house occasionally. Regardless, I’m preparing for it anyway.

I just don’t want to leave my house; I mean, I do but I don’t.

I am not depressed, or isolated, or antisocial, don’t worry…it just hurts.

The light hurts, the air hurts, the pressure exerted on my body by gravity hurts…breathing hurts, moving hurts, talking hurts. (I mean physically hurts)

Existing hurts. 

I just don’t want to try anymore, I don’t want to wake up and put on my face and pretend everything is ok when just breathing hurts.

So starting Thursday of this week I’m hibernating. I may come out occasionally, but if I don’t want to I’m not going to…and if I don’t want to put on my “everything is ok” face, then the world will just have to deal with it! I have spent the last 15 years or so putting on my face and I am going to allow myself the next few months to not have to if I don’t want to, I think I’ve earned that.

Why Thursday you ask? Because on Wednesday I am having my picc line placed to start IV antibiotics for lyme on Thursday…so I am preparing myself to most likely feel really terrible for the next few months.

It’s gonna be a super fun time…which I am sure ya’ll will hear about :]

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<3

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

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