Monthly Archives: December 2014

Everything’s Going to be Okay

I was going to write a post tonight, but honestly I don’t have the energy and this sums up what I’m feeling so perfectly.

Last Christmas was hard for me because I was sick, and this Christmas I’m sick too but that’s not why it’s hard…it’s hard because he’s not here. It’s hard because I don’t know where he is, if he ate today or if he even has a place to live anymore. It’s hard because I miss him being here, but at the same time I really don’t. Wow it hurts to admit that.

I just sat down here to congratulate myself on being so ok today; I didn’t cry, I didn’t think about him, and I didn’t even really miss him until now…because it just occurred to me that I was so ok because I never stopped to let myself feel something. From the time I woke up till now I have been doing doing doing so I didn’t have to think about it.

Well now I am going to feel something, I am going to sit here and be sad, because that’s ok.

Merry Christmas everyone. Let’s hope next year is better for all of us. ❤

Must Be This Tall To Ride

christmas-beautiful-tree “I’m struggling today,” she said.

Her kids are 500 miles away. The mandatory waiting period for her state to finalize her divorce will end in 2015. This is her first Christmas where everything’s broken.

“It’s amazing what you can get used to,” I said.

From now on our troubles will be out of sight.

I waxed philosophically about how in the grand scheme of our lives this really doesn’t matter and everything’s going to be okay and don’t let your emotions ruin an otherwise beautiful occasion. She gets me and claimed it helped.

But I bet it didn’t. I bet it didn’t help at all.

 …

I was in the store earlier. So much life. Everyone moving this way and that buying drinks and snacks and last-minute ingredients for Christmas parties and dinners with friends and family.

That’s when you feel the most alone after divorce.

That’s why divorced people…

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My heart hurts…

My heart hurts tonight…don’t worry, my metaphorical one this time.

A friend was telling me today about his struggles with his young adult daughter, who has obviously become associated with “the wrong crowd” and has been making some really poor choices, almost definitely involving drugs.

All I could do was look at him and say “I know”. I could see the pain in his eyes, literally feel the hurt permeating the air around him, and I just wanted to cry for him…because I DO know. I know that hurt. I know it so well.

That hurt, the one that says…

“I just want to help you.

I’m trying.

I’m giving, and giving…and giving,

I’m loving.

All I get in return is lies, sneaking around, insults and threats.

What more do you want from me?

What am I doing wrong?”

As much as I wish I could, I know from experience that there is nothing I can really DO to help him. So I just listened, because I know how much I needed someone to listen when that was me. Then I told him the things that, while seemingly cliche and obvious, are what I know are the answers to the questions going through his head…

“You can’t fix this”

“This is NOT your fault”

“You didn’t do anything wrong”

So my heart aches tonight, because this time last year I was feeling every single one of those things about my husband…and I know how much it sucked, I can’t even begin to imagine how much harder it would be to have it be your child.

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Optimism vs. Realism

I was having a discussion with a friend today about my health and the prognosis of my many conditions; he asserted that I could and would get better whereas I pointed out that I have been continually getting worse for my entire life and that realistically the prognosis isn’t good.

Sure, I can treat my lyme disease with tons of antibiotics for the next several years, and if I’m lucky I’ll put it into remission, but what kind of permanent damage will be left at that point?

We all know that my heart will never be the same after 2 surgeries and many, many episodes of SVT/Vtach which causes damage to the heart muscle.

I have developed arthritis in several of my joints, including my hip and hands. I also basically have the spine of an old person, with a type of arthritis that generally only occurs in the elderly. This is a degenerative arthritis, as well as I also have degenerative disk disease. “Degenerating” in and of itself implies that it will get worse over time, right?

So my friend’s argument was that if I tell myself that I won’t get better, then it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and I never will…such an optimist, he is. 🙂 My point is that if I go through life expecting to get better, when it doesn’t happen that will be too difficult to bear…not to mention the point that all the facts point to me continuing to get worse, not better.

Call me a pessimist, but it’s just how I feel.

I understand my friend’s point, I really truly do, but it’s one of those things that is much easier for him to say since he is not in the same situation. On one hand I wish that he could spend a little time in my body to experience what I feel every day, maybe then he wouldn’t be so quick to chastise me…but on the other hand I would never wish this on anyone, especially not someone I care about.

I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again, living with this amount of pain every single day changes a person…it makes you sadder, angrier and pretty much dead inside. It takes away pieces of you until you don’t know who you are anymore. It makes you not want to go on living. (Disclaimer: I AM NOT SUICIDAL. Please don’t freak out)

Does that mean that I take such a pessimistic view of my prognosis because I don’t WANT to go on living like this? Maybe (I mean, really, who WOULD?). Does it mean that want that to become a self-fulfilling prophecy? No, definitely not.

I WANT to get better. I do.

I can’t tell you how badly I want to live a normal life. I want to go to medical school and be an incredible doctor who heals people. I want to exercise, to train in Tae Kwon Do again, to go running and lift weights. I want to have children, without worrying about what sorts of horrible diseases I will pass on to them; then I want to be an awesome, fun mom, with energy to make great memories with her kids. I want to wake up every morning and NOT be in pain. I want to go to the store without needing a handicapped parking spot, headphones, or a wheelchair; then I want to walk out of the store without wanting to collapse or cry. I want to go out, dance and drink and have fun like most people my age do. I want to go to the doctor and have her find nothing wrong with me. I want to date, without worrying if the prospect of being with a sick girl will make him run for the hills.

I want to be healthy.

All of these things most people take for granted, probably including my friend, yet most of them are things that I will never be lucky enough to have.

Even if I were to put my lyme disease into remission, I would always have to worry about passing it to my children, I would always have to warn potential husbands about the possibility of it coming back, and always be afraid of overdoing it with exercise or catching a cold and causing it to come back. Then of course, there is always the relatively large risk of it coming back, and I sending me right back to where I am now. Not to mention whatever lasting, irreversible damage has been done.

I will always have to live in pain, that’s just the cold reality of my life. Even with lyme in remission the damage to my back will never be repaired; even if it never got any worse, it would still prevent me from doing many things I want to do and cause me pain for the rest of my life. I cannot go through life making plans and having dreams that will be unattainable as long as I have pain, because I will ALWAYS have pain. Sure, I could strengthen my muscles to minimize further damage or unhealthy movement of my spine that causes pain, I could get pain relieving injections and possibly even have surgery to compensate for some of the damage, but I will still always have pain. I will never be NORMAL.

I know, I’m being really depressing tonight, but this is the reality of my life. While my friend is overly optimistic, I am a realist. I would rather look at the reality of the facts, and prepare myself for the worst, than get my hopes up for something that is unlikely to occur. As for that becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, he has a point, it might. All I can do about that is continue to strive for the best outcome I can get, I just refuse to expect for that outcome to be unrealistic.

My friend said he didn’t believe me that I feel this way because I continue to try to get better by taking massive amounts of antibiotics, going to doctors appointments and having surgeries. I won’t lie, it does make me wonder why I’m trying. Why do I bother? Why put myself through all of these treatments which are expensive, painful and time consuming if my best hope is a temporary remission and a painful life, and even that is far off and possibly unlikely? What’s the point?

You wanna know the truth? I have no idea. I told my friend that I try because I’d rather not die, which is true, and the scary truth about untreated lyme disease. I also appreciate the fact that my not trying would hurt people I care about…unfortunately I understand that all too well. I also have a healthy concept of the fact that while I may never be normal, I can be “better”; I do not always have to feel as terrible as I have lately. Even given those reasons I still don’t completely understand; I guess I try because that’s just what one does, you get a diagnosis and you take the treatment…but that doesn’t change how I feel about the whole thing.

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Something strange is happening.

Something very strange is happening. Something that has never happened to me before.

I want to be alone. 

I mean, I’m totally an introvert, people have always worn me out…but I’ve never let that stop me. I always wanted to be around people, talking to people, doing things, dating people. Not anymore.

I see my friends occasionally, I text a lot, and talk on the phone sometimes…but for the most part I’m pretty much ok with just being by myself. As for dating, forget it; a teeny tiny part of me wants to, but not really.

I even find myself occasionally annoyed with the fact that people keep texting me! (“uhm, hello, who are you and what did you do with Addie Marie?!”)

I sort of want to date, as in spend time with a nice guy once in a while…but share my space? No way. Be obligated to see or talk to someone? Absolutely not. I’m not even sure I really want to deal with every thing dating entails, getting dressed up, small talk, possible physical activity (ie. walking, get your mind out of the gutter!), sitting still in cold movie theaters/restaurants, etc. Then there’s the whole issue of involving someone else in the train wreck that is my life right now. No thanks.

When I met my husband I moved in with him less than 6 months later…which meant that for the last 4 1/2 years I have never ever had any alone time. Now I can’t fathom doing that, the thought of never having alone time makes me want to run away.

This is a very strange sensation for me, but I think I’m liking it… 🙂

 

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