Everything’s Going to be Okay

I was going to write a post tonight, but honestly I don’t have the energy and this sums up what I’m feeling so perfectly.

Last Christmas was hard for me because I was sick, and this Christmas I’m sick too but that’s not why it’s hard…it’s hard because he’s not here. It’s hard because I don’t know where he is, if he ate today or if he even has a place to live anymore. It’s hard because I miss him being here, but at the same time I really don’t. Wow it hurts to admit that.

I just sat down here to congratulate myself on being so ok today; I didn’t cry, I didn’t think about him, and I didn’t even really miss him until now…because it just occurred to me that I was so ok because I never stopped to let myself feel something. From the time I woke up till now I have been doing doing doing so I didn’t have to think about it.

Well now I am going to feel something, I am going to sit here and be sad, because that’s ok.

Merry Christmas everyone. Let’s hope next year is better for all of us. ❤

Must Be This Tall To Ride

christmas-beautiful-tree “I’m struggling today,” she said.

Her kids are 500 miles away. The mandatory waiting period for her state to finalize her divorce will end in 2015. This is her first Christmas where everything’s broken.

“It’s amazing what you can get used to,” I said.

From now on our troubles will be out of sight.

I waxed philosophically about how in the grand scheme of our lives this really doesn’t matter and everything’s going to be okay and don’t let your emotions ruin an otherwise beautiful occasion. She gets me and claimed it helped.

But I bet it didn’t. I bet it didn’t help at all.

 …

I was in the store earlier. So much life. Everyone moving this way and that buying drinks and snacks and last-minute ingredients for Christmas parties and dinners with friends and family.

That’s when you feel the most alone after divorce.

That’s why divorced people…

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2 responses to “Everything’s Going to be Okay

  1. Yep ! Let’s hope next year is a great one for you AM ❤

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  2. I also left this comment in reply to your’s over at MBTTTR, but I wanted to drop it here as well…

    I wake up almost every day now and I’m fine. Not “fine,” like everything’s great. But “fine,” like I’m not crying and don’t want to die (I use that phrase loosely. I was never in jeopardy of hurting myself.)

    But for anyone who has ever visited rock bottom, I think they can appreciate the distinction and just how weightless “fine” can feel by comparison.

    I’m in a pretty good place. And I’m improving myself in a variety of areas. I smile. Laugh. Am hopeful. Almost always. Hopeful.

    But on Christmas Day I woke up alone. The silence in the house was so loud again. Just like it was in the beginning.

    No one was coming.

    There was nowhere to go. Everyone was busy, busy, busy, with friends and family. There were no open restaurants or bars. (Though I did find an open bar later in the evening and went with a friend and my night got better!)

    But that isolation really has a way of putting your life in perspective. Of making you feel alone and unsafe. Because it’s just you.

    But, miss.

    This is just a moment.

    And it won’t always be just you. Maybe next month you’ll meet him. Maybe next year. Maybe today.

    Then the moment will pass.

    Voids will be filled. Scars will be old stories you don’t talk about much and that don’t really hurt anymore.

    And then you’ll be writing a new story. A better one. Because you’ll feel so grateful for right now. And you could have never arrived at right now without this Christmas that wasn’t very fun.

    Maybe that sounds a little bullshitty to you. It feels bullshitty to me because being an adult is hard.

    But everything really is going to be okay.

    Merry (belated) Christmas. 2015 might be magic.

    Like

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