As I sit here, awake early (for me) on a Saturday morning, eating pastry in his bed and channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw while he is at work, all I can think about is the parts of that picture I failed to describe for you. Like the IV pole standing next to me, and the pill box full of pills on his beside table; the many bags of IV medicine currently residing in his refrigerator and the conversation we just had before he left about what time we could leave to go somewhere this afternoon because I will have to finish my IV drip before we can leave. How I laid awake and watched him sleep until 4:30am because I had to finish my IV, and the box of saran wrap in my suitcase so that I can take a shower later. While all of these things are MY normal, I am constantly reminded that they are not everyone else’s.
I know a lot of people who can’t/won’t date due to their chronic illness, and I know that I should consider myself very lucky that I not only can but have found someone who is willing to look past it and put up with the insanity that is my life…but I can’t help feeling that it isn’t fair.
I hate worrying him. I hate filling his once normal life with IV bags, doctors appointments and surgeries. I can’t for the life of me figure out why he wants to put up with it all. Hell, Idon’t want to put up with it all and it’s my life, I definitely wouldn’t be doing it voluntarily!
I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking…how does he feel about waking up to an IV pole in his bedroom? He says he’s fine, that it doesn’t bother him, but is he really fine? What is it really like dating a sick girl?
The other day I had a massive migraine, I mean the worst migraine I’ve ever had. We were out at dinner and then going grocery shopping when it hit me. I could barely move, was ready to throw up, and was desperately popping every pill in my purse to make it stop. I was actually contemplating going to the ER, it hurt THAT badly. The poor guy was so shocked, he didn’t know what to do and just stared at me with big worry-filled eyes. I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like, watching someone you care about be that sick. I know cognitively what he was feeling; worry, helplessness, frustration, sympathy etc. but I can’t really understand.
I can’t imagine having my life suddenly over taken by IVs and worry…my life has always been this way. I guess I’m scared. Maybe he’ll decide it’s too much. Maybe he’ll meet some prettier, healthier girl who can live a normal life with him sans IV bags and doctors appointments. Perhaps his friends will lecture him about how he “could do so much better” or “shouldn’t have to put up with that”. Maybe he’ll decide I’m just being a baby…like my ex husband did…
For now though, I can’t even wrap my mind around how lucky I am…
I really dislike clichés, and I’m not one to subscribe to the belief that an omnipotent being (whatever you choose to call him/her) gave me this life for some reason I am unaware of, but I will say that I believe things happen sometimes exactly the way they are supposed to happen…
I think he is exactly what I need right now.
He makes me so incredibly happy. He makes me want to be as smart, strong, and incredible as he thinks I am. He makes me believe for half a second that I could actually get better and be a normal person. He makes me want to work harder, be more determined…try harder.