Tag Archives: antibiotics

It’s been quite a while

Well, it’s been quite a while since I wrote, before the other day it was 4 months to be exact, so I guess I should update you on my health.

4 months ago I was doing REALLY well. I was feeling good, I was in the gym working out several times a week, going out and doing normal people things, just feeling like a normal person. Unfortunately that all came to an end though. I’m back to feeling like I’m dying; I’m sleeping from 4am to 5pm every day, barely eating 1 meal per day, in massive amounts of pain much of the time, barely having the energy to be out of bed for 2 hours per day, experiencing tics/tremors daily, and new symptoms of nausea/a hangover feeling and “ice pick”headaches have appeared out of nowhere. Things are bad around here, really bad.

We have also officially confirmed a new diagnosis, Babesia…lovely.

I think my medications/supplements are multiplying like bunny rabbits when I’m not looking!!

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And I don’t even have all of my new protocol yet! (I had to order some meds from Canada)

Thank goodness I’m on a 2 week break from school in between Summer and Fall semesters, the problem is I have only 4 days left of break and I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when school starts and I can’t sleep until 5pm every day anymore. I’m registered for some pretty tough classes and I’m way too sick for that right now.

I’m just tired and scared.

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The Great Hibernation

I am planning a hibernation. A for real, serious, not leaving my house for a very long time, hibernation.

I’m stockpiling food, committing to absolutely no obligations, warning everyone that every plan is tentative at the moment, and getting things that I’ve been wanting to do done so that they won’t be hanging over my head. I’ve got a list of tv shows and movies to watch, books to read, and projects to work on. Oh, and my cat to keep me company.

I’m ready. Let’s do this.

Fact is, it’s not actually going to happen, because unfortunately life requires leaving the house occasionally. Regardless, I’m preparing for it anyway.

I just don’t want to leave my house; I mean, I do but I don’t.

I am not depressed, or isolated, or antisocial, don’t worry…it just hurts.

The light hurts, the air hurts, the pressure exerted on my body by gravity hurts…breathing hurts, moving hurts, talking hurts. (I mean physically hurts)

Existing hurts. 

I just don’t want to try anymore, I don’t want to wake up and put on my face and pretend everything is ok when just breathing hurts.

So starting Thursday of this week I’m hibernating. I may come out occasionally, but if I don’t want to I’m not going to…and if I don’t want to put on my “everything is ok” face, then the world will just have to deal with it! I have spent the last 15 years or so putting on my face and I am going to allow myself the next few months to not have to if I don’t want to, I think I’ve earned that.

Why Thursday you ask? Because on Wednesday I am having my picc line placed to start IV antibiotics for lyme on Thursday…so I am preparing myself to most likely feel really terrible for the next few months.

It’s gonna be a super fun time…which I am sure ya’ll will hear about :]

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Sick and tired?…

I’m sure most of you have heard the saying “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired”, it’s a favorite among chronically ill people…I don’t generally feel that way though. I’m used to being sick and tired, what I am is sick and tired of is having to HIDE how sick and tired I am. I’m sick and tired of having to struggle through day after day of work, and taking care of everyone and everything, all the while pretending that I don’t need to be in bed taking care of myself (or even better, with someone else to take care of me!). I’m sick and tired of keeping my “everything is totally fine and I don’t feel like dying” face on.

I know it’s probably wrong to say this, but I’m sick and tired of falling in the in-between; between “I don’t feel good, but I can still keep up my normal life” and “I’m too sick to get out of bed”. I wish for once that my body would just pick one end of the spectrum and stay there. This whole “I feel like I’m dying, and often wish I was, but I can still somehow manage to get done most of the things I need to do” is killing me.

*Don’t hate me for saying that!

And please, don’t tell me that it gets better with treatment, I’ve been preaching that message to myself and others for weeks…it’s not what I need to hear right now. Cognitively I KNOW it can get better with treatment, physically/mentally/emotionally I just don’t care today.

I don’t know why, but weekends are my worst days. I don’t know if the stress of the week catches up with me, or the fact that Sunday is my no-antibiotics day so that catches up to me, but weekends suck…especially Sundays. 😦

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