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“She knew she loved him when ‘home’ went from being a place to being a person” — E. Levanthal

I found this quote many months ago when The Boy and I were still happy and its truth struck me. I thought I had experienced this kind of love before, I thought I had loved my husband this way…but now I’m not so sure. One thing I do know, however, is that I loved The Boy this way. There is no doubt of that.

I wasn’t sure I would ever love anyone again after my husband, I thought with my silly girlish mind that I had used up my allotment of being in love, that maybe there would be other men but that nothing would ever be like it had been with him. That is, until The Boy came along.

He showed me what real love is supposed to be like, the way a man who really loves me (and is capable of such love) is supposed to treat me, and how I’m supposed to feel in that situation. He changed me. He showed me that I really could be in love again. It didn’t take long at all for him to become my “home”.

For the last eight months he has been my home, my safe place, my rock. He was my best friend, my confidant, my cheerleader; he was the one I called, no matter what I wanted to talk about. For the first time in a VERY long time I was really truly happy when I was with him. I knew, and LIKED, who I was; I believed in myself and my dreams. I was someone important, I was beautiful and I was smart. I was someone else’s “home”. I can’t explain how good that felt…until it was over.

Now I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel horribly homeless and it’s hard. I’m adrift in the sea of life, without a rock to anchor myself to. I used to think that I would never love like that again….now I am certain that I will never love like THIS again. I don’t think my heart is capable, even if I wanted to.  I have no words to explain how difficult it is to be that honestly happy and then to just have your “home” ripped away from you. To make it even worse is that we still love each other, he’s just as lost as I am right now, but still we can’t be with each other. The world is horribly cruel like that sometimes.

Now we are faced with the next to impossible task of converting that love we have for each other into something that still resembles a friendship…hopefully without losing the importance of it. We have to somehow learn to not love each other quite so much, so that it doesn’t kill us to see the other person with someone new and we can still be each other’s best friend; to somehow find out who we are today, separate from each other. I’ve had people tell me this is impossible, that it can’t work, that it’s an idea that is doomed from the start. The thing is, I just don’t care. Maybe it is stupid, maybe it won’t work, but I have to try. He’s too important to me, he’s too much of an integral part of my life and who I am to just walk away. Stupid idea or not, it HAS to work. It just has to.

I can only hope that the next man I meet is half as wonderful as The Boy is, that he makes me half as happy. I will consider myself a lucky girl if that happens. And as difficult as it is to say this, I wish the same for him…I will always love him, but I hope that he finds someone who deserves him and that makes him happy, and I hope I am by his side as his best friend to witness it.

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The end of the end (Warning: Language…sorry)

Well, I have a hearing set for my divorce. It’s a month from now, and apparently I’m already freaking out just a teensy bit…

In a way I kind of can’t wait for it to be over; mostly just so people can stop saying crap like “oh I bet you’re excited!”, or “are you looking forward to it?”.

No, I’m not fucking excited. No, I’m not looking forward to it.

It’s the official, for-real, no-going-back-now, this-is-a-big-fucking-deal, end of my marriage.

Why the hell would I be excited for that?!

It’s not an exciting thing. It’s not a thing one looks forward to. It’s a thing that hurts like hell. It’s a very very sad thing.

It’s a necessary thing.

It means going back to my maiden name, a person that doesn’t even feel like me anymore. It means a whole new signature, new credit cards, and explaining to everyone and their mother why my name is suddenly different (doctor’s offices are the WORST about this).

Although on the plus side it also means no more thinking of him every time I have to spell his name out for someone, no more explaining to people why I have a Hispanic last name when I am most definitely not Hispanic, no more hearing “oh congratulations!” when I tell someone I haven’t seen in a while that I got married, and best of all, no more explaining to people why they don’t need to be congratulating me after all.

I am, however, very glad that my soon-to-be-ex has sworn angrily to not attend this hearing. I think it might break me to have him there; not for me, but because I couldn’t look at him without seeing how much this is killing him. I’ve seen it in his face every time we have to discuss the divorce, like a wounded puppy, and it breaks my heart and makes me cry every single time. I can see him, I can be friendly with him; just not that day, not there.

So, I lied, it might upset me a little bit too…I’m not really sure. As ok as I have been lately, and as much of a positive thing this divorce has turned out to be for me, it still sucks.

I loved him. I still love him. I hate that this happened to us. I miss him. I miss being us.

I don’t really know how I feel, but I can tell you that it is not excited. Sad, hurt, guilty, scared, anxious, and a teeny bit relieved maybe…but definitely not excited.

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Inquiring minds want to know :]

A member of my family sent me a link recently and I thought it was interesting. It was an article containing a list of some of the responses received when the question “what is the most valuable lesson you’ve ever learned from a break up?” was asked on Reddit/HuffPost Divorce’s facebook and twitter. 

Here is the list:

1. “A relationship involves two people. I used to put all the responsibility on myself whenever something would go wrong. When her actions would hurt me, I’d think about myself and what I could have done better. In the end, I stayed in that relationship way too long.”

2. “I learned to always keep my money separate and to have a backup plan.”

3. “Never settle. Love is a verb. People are who they are. Don’t expect them to change.”

4. “Your happiness and validation come from within. Relying on one person in order to feel happy is unhealthy for both parties involved.”

5. “I learned to cultivate me — my interests, my hobbies — and let the hobbies and interests I once shared with my ex fall to the wayside. I learned my own strength.”

6. “I learned that loving someone and loving the idea of being with someone are two very different things.”

7. “It’s a big ocean with many fish. You’ll find someone else. The heart is resilient.”

8. “Once you’ve broken up, cut all ties with that person. Delete them from Facebook, delete their phone number and send their email and text to a spam folder. Stay away from them and you’ll move on quicker.”

9. “Always read the signs and be aware of the red flags. They are there flashing and waving if you just pay attention.”

10. “I am worth more than what I accepted from the person I loved. I can make myself happy.”

11. “Don’t even think about falling in love again if your self-esteem is zapped post-split. Heal and love yourself first, then look for love again.”

12. “Being unattached is way better than being in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship.”

13. “Get your stuff before you break up.”

14. “Your wellness is more important than the relationship.”

15. “The pain does go away even though it seems so hard to believe in the beginning.

 

Some of these things I knew already (at least cognitively, whether I put them to practical use or not is another story!), some of them I had not thought about before, and several of them I have learned/am currently learning from my divorce. 

I would have to say the major ones my divorce has taught me are:

2. “I learned to always keep my money separate and to have a backup plan.” –I have thanked my lucky stars a million times through this divorce process that my husband and I preferred to keep our money separate, and that we hadn’t been married for very long so our legal lives were not completely entwined yet…it has made things much easier than they could have been! Now I know, and will remember this for all future relationships! Also I always had a backup plan, I guess it’s in my nature; I’m a planner and the type of person who always expects the worst…it came in handy this time and I will not forget it!  

3. “Never settle. Love is a verb. People are who they are. Don’t expect them to change.” — I used to get mad when people told me I was settling, that I deserved better than him, and I still don’t think it’s true…that implies that he is not good enough, or bad, and he is most definitely not those things. “Love is a verb” however, sticks with me. My husband used to say it a hundred times a day, “I love you” “I love you” over and over again…and I loved it! I thought “how sweet! I’m so lucky!” Little did I realize, that it takes more than just saying it…he could say it a million times a day, and it would never make up for his lack of showing it. And seriously, don’t expect them to change. I used to say I didn’t expect him to change who he was, but I was fooling myself. I totally expected him to change. Were they good changes, that he should make for himself anyway? YES. But change is change, and it’s not fair to put that on to someone…they are who they are, love them, ALL of them, or move on. 

9. “Always read the signs and be aware of the red flags. They are there flashing and waving if you just pay attention.” — and DON’T ignore them! I can’t believe, looking back now, how many red flashing warning signs there were…and I KNEW they were there! I saw them! Yet I chose to walk right by them, look the other way, and pretend that they would just go away…because I loved him. But I have learned from this experience, that above all else you have to love yourself more than anyone else, and by ignoring warning signs you are most definitely NOT loving yourself more. You are just setting yourself up for more pain and heartache. 

14. “Your wellness is more important than the relationship.” — again, you have to love yourself above anyone else. Really, really hard for me to do…but I’m trying. 

 

 

So this leaves me wondering…we’ve all had breakups, of some sort, at some point in our lives…what would you add to the list? How would you answer the question? 

“What is the most valuable lesson you’ve ever learned from a break up?”

 

Link to the aforementioned article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/12/breakup-_n_5311650.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

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