Just because I know my body, doesn’t mean I always like her. Sometimes I feel down right betrayed by her. How dare she have the nerve to look like a perfectly healthy young woman, yet feel like an 87 year old grandma. That’s just not fair.
And then there is the ever present battle inside the chronically ill patient; my mind tells me I want to do something, and that I should, but my body and past experience tells me that I will majorly regret it if I try.
I’ve felt pretty good recently too good. So naturally my brain starts in with “maybe you could try to_____” or “if you just took it really easy…”
But I’ve been down that road before, I’ve taken the chance and reallly regretted it. And then my body decides to drive the message home (just in case I was actually thinking of doing something) with a few days of feeling really crappy and completely out of control of my own body…just to make sure I remember that I am actually not in charge here. :[
So this sequence of thoughts always leaves me feeling down, remembering all of the things I used to be able to do but can’t anymore.
For example, I used to train in martial arts (Tae Kwon Do); I have a 4th degree black belt that took me close to 13 years to earn, as well as an instructorship position, referee certification, and awards from having competed at both the state and national levels. Now I haven’t trained in several years, and can barely make it through the grocery store without wanting to collapse. My two younger sisters, for some strange reason, have decided to take up karate (they’re bored, and crazy lol)…so all of a sudden ALL they talk about is karate this, and karate that. Recently at a family dinner they were going on and on (and ON!) about it, and it got me thinking, “maybe I COULD do that again?” I miss it so much more than I can explain; it is the one thing that I light up when I talk about, and I can talk for hours and hours about it! So I started to get excited; I thought maybe I’ll pull out my uniform, do a little training alone so I can take it as slow as I need to. I can do this!
But nooooo…my body decided I needed knocked down a few pegs. I was getting a little too energetic and optimistic. So it decided to not let me get a decent nights sleep for several weeks now, plus increase my fatigue and pain, and oh let’s throw in some major motor tics too (just in case I started to think I actually had control over my own body!) Not to mention a POTS flare up and some random blood sugar drops, just for good measure.
Thanks body, love you too.