Tag Archives: chronic fatigue

It’s been quite a while

Well, it’s been quite a while since I wrote, before the other day it was 4 months to be exact, so I guess I should update you on my health.

4 months ago I was doing REALLY well. I was feeling good, I was in the gym working out several times a week, going out and doing normal people things, just feeling like a normal person. Unfortunately that all came to an end though. I’m back to feeling like I’m dying; I’m sleeping from 4am to 5pm every day, barely eating 1 meal per day, in massive amounts of pain much of the time, barely having the energy to be out of bed for 2 hours per day, experiencing tics/tremors daily, and new symptoms of nausea/a hangover feeling and “ice pick”headaches have appeared out of nowhere. Things are bad around here, really bad.

We have also officially confirmed a new diagnosis, Babesia…lovely.

I think my medications/supplements are multiplying like bunny rabbits when I’m not looking!!

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And I don’t even have all of my new protocol yet! (I had to order some meds from Canada)

Thank goodness I’m on a 2 week break from school in between Summer and Fall semesters, the problem is I have only 4 days left of break and I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when school starts and I can’t sleep until 5pm every day anymore. I’m registered for some pretty tough classes and I’m way too sick for that right now.

I’m just tired and scared.

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Planning to plan

“Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans” — John Lennon

There is unrest in my soul tonight.

So many people spend their whole lives planning their lives. I used to be one of those people; the one with the 5 year plan, the 10 year plan and the 20 year plan…with plans for achieving my plans, I even planned to plan! 

People spend their lives running from one opportunity to the next, expending energy, time and money…they even forgo time with their loved ones in exchange for pursuing the ever out of reach “plan”.

The truth of the matter is I can’t plan anymore. Well, I can but if I’m being honest with myself it’s a waste.

Don’t get me wrong, I have plans and I want so badly for them to come to life…but I can never ever lose respect for the fact that in a minute it could all be gone. All my plans could go up in smoke.

Tomorrow we could not wake up; we could wake up and not be able to walk; we could wake up and not be able to speak or see or hear. Tomorrow we could get hit by a bus, murdered or kidnapped and sold into sex slavery. Ok, I’m being a little dramatic…but it’s true.

Tomorrow you could get bit by a tick and your whole world could change…mine did.

The fact is that none of us can plan, if we’re being honest with ourselves. We can plan, but we damn well better never lose a healthy respect for the fact that it could all be gone in an instant…because that’s when the universe likes to throw us a little reminder. Trust me…

Plans are just that, plans…they’re ideas, possibilities, desires. They are not promises and they are most definitely not guarantees. So make your plans, set your goals, and work hard for them but remember this…tomorrow it could all be gone.

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Dating a sick girl

As I sit here, awake early (for me) on a Saturday morning, eating pastry in his bed and channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw while he is at work, all I can think about is the parts of that picture I failed to describe for you. Like the IV pole standing next to me, and the pill box full of pills on his beside table; the many bags of IV medicine currently residing in his refrigerator and the conversation we just had before he left about what time we could leave to go somewhere this afternoon because I will have to finish my IV drip before we can leave. How I laid awake and watched him sleep until 4:30am because I had to finish my IV, and the box of saran wrap in my suitcase so that I can take a shower later. While all of these things are MY normal, I am constantly reminded that they are not everyone else’s.

I know a lot of people who can’t/won’t date due to their chronic illness, and I know that I should consider myself very lucky that I not only can but have found someone who is willing to look past it and put up with the insanity that is my life…but I can’t help feeling that it isn’t fair.

I hate worrying him. I hate filling his once normal life with IV bags, doctors appointments and surgeries. I can’t for the life of me figure out why he wants to put up with it all. Hell, Idon’t want to put up with it all and it’s my life, I definitely wouldn’t be doing it voluntarily!

I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking…how does he feel about waking up to an IV pole in his bedroom? He says he’s fine, that it doesn’t bother him, but is he really fine? What is it really like dating a sick girl?

The other day I had a massive migraine, I mean the worst migraine I’ve ever had. We were out at dinner and then going grocery shopping when it hit me. I could barely move, was ready to throw up, and was desperately popping every pill in my purse to make it stop. I was actually contemplating going to the ER, it hurt THAT badly. The poor guy was so shocked, he didn’t know what to do and just stared at me with big worry-filled eyes. I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like, watching someone you care about be that sick. I know cognitively what he was feeling; worry, helplessness, frustration, sympathy etc. but I can’t really understand.

I can’t imagine having my life suddenly over taken by IVs and worry…my life has always been this way. I guess I’m scared. Maybe he’ll decide it’s too much. Maybe he’ll meet some prettier, healthier girl who can live a normal life with him sans IV bags and doctors appointments. Perhaps his friends will lecture him about how he “could do so much better” or “shouldn’t have to put up with that”. Maybe he’ll decide I’m just being a baby…like my ex husband did…

For now though, I can’t even wrap my mind around how lucky I am…

I really dislike clichés, and I’m not one to subscribe to the belief that an omnipotent being (whatever you choose to call him/her) gave me this life for some reason I am unaware of, but I will say that I believe things happen sometimes exactly the way they are supposed to happen…

I think he is exactly what I need right now.

He makes me so incredibly happy. He makes me want to be as smart, strong, and incredible as he thinks I am. He makes me believe for half a second that I could actually get better and be a normal person. He makes me want to work harder, be more determined…try harder.

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Optimism vs. Realism

I was having a discussion with a friend today about my health and the prognosis of my many conditions; he asserted that I could and would get better whereas I pointed out that I have been continually getting worse for my entire life and that realistically the prognosis isn’t good.

Sure, I can treat my lyme disease with tons of antibiotics for the next several years, and if I’m lucky I’ll put it into remission, but what kind of permanent damage will be left at that point?

We all know that my heart will never be the same after 2 surgeries and many, many episodes of SVT/Vtach which causes damage to the heart muscle.

I have developed arthritis in several of my joints, including my hip and hands. I also basically have the spine of an old person, with a type of arthritis that generally only occurs in the elderly. This is a degenerative arthritis, as well as I also have degenerative disk disease. “Degenerating” in and of itself implies that it will get worse over time, right?

So my friend’s argument was that if I tell myself that I won’t get better, then it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and I never will…such an optimist, he is. 🙂 My point is that if I go through life expecting to get better, when it doesn’t happen that will be too difficult to bear…not to mention the point that all the facts point to me continuing to get worse, not better.

Call me a pessimist, but it’s just how I feel.

I understand my friend’s point, I really truly do, but it’s one of those things that is much easier for him to say since he is not in the same situation. On one hand I wish that he could spend a little time in my body to experience what I feel every day, maybe then he wouldn’t be so quick to chastise me…but on the other hand I would never wish this on anyone, especially not someone I care about.

I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again, living with this amount of pain every single day changes a person…it makes you sadder, angrier and pretty much dead inside. It takes away pieces of you until you don’t know who you are anymore. It makes you not want to go on living. (Disclaimer: I AM NOT SUICIDAL. Please don’t freak out)

Does that mean that I take such a pessimistic view of my prognosis because I don’t WANT to go on living like this? Maybe (I mean, really, who WOULD?). Does it mean that want that to become a self-fulfilling prophecy? No, definitely not.

I WANT to get better. I do.

I can’t tell you how badly I want to live a normal life. I want to go to medical school and be an incredible doctor who heals people. I want to exercise, to train in Tae Kwon Do again, to go running and lift weights. I want to have children, without worrying about what sorts of horrible diseases I will pass on to them; then I want to be an awesome, fun mom, with energy to make great memories with her kids. I want to wake up every morning and NOT be in pain. I want to go to the store without needing a handicapped parking spot, headphones, or a wheelchair; then I want to walk out of the store without wanting to collapse or cry. I want to go out, dance and drink and have fun like most people my age do. I want to go to the doctor and have her find nothing wrong with me. I want to date, without worrying if the prospect of being with a sick girl will make him run for the hills.

I want to be healthy.

All of these things most people take for granted, probably including my friend, yet most of them are things that I will never be lucky enough to have.

Even if I were to put my lyme disease into remission, I would always have to worry about passing it to my children, I would always have to warn potential husbands about the possibility of it coming back, and always be afraid of overdoing it with exercise or catching a cold and causing it to come back. Then of course, there is always the relatively large risk of it coming back, and I sending me right back to where I am now. Not to mention whatever lasting, irreversible damage has been done.

I will always have to live in pain, that’s just the cold reality of my life. Even with lyme in remission the damage to my back will never be repaired; even if it never got any worse, it would still prevent me from doing many things I want to do and cause me pain for the rest of my life. I cannot go through life making plans and having dreams that will be unattainable as long as I have pain, because I will ALWAYS have pain. Sure, I could strengthen my muscles to minimize further damage or unhealthy movement of my spine that causes pain, I could get pain relieving injections and possibly even have surgery to compensate for some of the damage, but I will still always have pain. I will never be NORMAL.

I know, I’m being really depressing tonight, but this is the reality of my life. While my friend is overly optimistic, I am a realist. I would rather look at the reality of the facts, and prepare myself for the worst, than get my hopes up for something that is unlikely to occur. As for that becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, he has a point, it might. All I can do about that is continue to strive for the best outcome I can get, I just refuse to expect for that outcome to be unrealistic.

My friend said he didn’t believe me that I feel this way because I continue to try to get better by taking massive amounts of antibiotics, going to doctors appointments and having surgeries. I won’t lie, it does make me wonder why I’m trying. Why do I bother? Why put myself through all of these treatments which are expensive, painful and time consuming if my best hope is a temporary remission and a painful life, and even that is far off and possibly unlikely? What’s the point?

You wanna know the truth? I have no idea. I told my friend that I try because I’d rather not die, which is true, and the scary truth about untreated lyme disease. I also appreciate the fact that my not trying would hurt people I care about…unfortunately I understand that all too well. I also have a healthy concept of the fact that while I may never be normal, I can be “better”; I do not always have to feel as terrible as I have lately. Even given those reasons I still don’t completely understand; I guess I try because that’s just what one does, you get a diagnosis and you take the treatment…but that doesn’t change how I feel about the whole thing.

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What you should know about chronic pain

This article has been circulating in the internet world of chronically ill people, and while I think it’s a nice letter, it kind of bugs me. A lot of it is very true, I guess I just sort of feel like that’s not really what I would want people to know about living in chronic pain.

I guess first I’ll take this list and comment on it, then I’ll add my own things.

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH PEOPLE IN PAIN

1. People with chronic pain seem unreliable (we can’t count on ourselves). When feeling better we promise things (and mean it); when in serious pain, we may not even show up.

2. An action or situation may result in pain several hours later, or even the next day. Delayed pain is confusing to people who have never experienced it.

3. Pain can inhibit listening and other communication skills. It’s like having someone shouting at you, or trying to talk with a fire alarm going off in the room. The effect of pain on the mind can seem like attention deficit disorder. So you may have to repeat a request, or write things down for a person with chronic pain. Don’t take it personally, or think that they are stupid. – Super true for me, and I didn’t really think about it until I read this letter. I generally can’t look people in the eye when they’re talking, not because I don’t want to, but because it’s way too much stimulation to look, listen, think, AND feel the pain. 

4. The senses can overload while in pain. For example, noises that wouldn’t normally bother you, seem too much. – Yep, exactly what I was talking about.

5. Patience may seem short. We can’t wait in a long line; can’t wait for a long drawn out conversation.

6. Don’t always ask “how are you” unless you are genuinely prepared to listen it just points attention inward. – YES. I, as a general rule, don’t lie…if you ask “how are you?” you’re going to get a real answer, how long it is depends on who you are and whether I think you actually care. If I don’t think you care (or I don’t have the energy for a real answer) you’ll get something like “I’m managing” or “just the usual”. 

7. Pain can sometimes trigger psychological disabilities (usually very temporary). When in pain, a small task, like hanging out the laundry, can seem like a huge wall, too high to climb over. An hour later the same job may be quite OK. It is sane to be depressed occasionally when you hurt.

8. Pain can come on fairly quickly and unexpectedly. Pain sometimes abates after a short rest. Chronic pain people appear to arrive and fade unpredictably to others.

9. Knowing where a refuge is, such as a couch, a bed, or comfortable chair, is as important as knowing where a bathroom is. A visit is much more enjoyable if the chronic pain person knows there is a refuge if needed. A person with chronic pain may not want to go anywhere that has no refuge (e.g.no place to sit or lie down).

10. Small acts of kindness can seem like huge acts of mercy to a person in pain. Your offer of a pillow or a cup of tea can be a really big thing to a person who is feeling temporarily helpless in the face of encroaching pain. – The biggest thing anyone can do for me when I’m in pain is to just be with me…I hate to be alone, I get very emotional when the pain is very bad. I need distractions and to know someone who cares is there. 

11. Not all pain is easy to locate or describe. Sometimes there is a body-wide feeling of discomfort, with hard to describe pains in the entire back, or in both legs, but not in one particular spot you can point to. Our vocabulary for pain is very limited, compared to the body’s ability to feel varieties of discomfort. – This is always a big problem for me, my worst pain is a very vague, almost impossible to describe pain that just radiates through my whole body. It frustrates me to try to describe it, and the best I’ve been able to come up with is “every individual cell in my body is screaming in agony”. I always get strange looks from people when I say that though, and I know no one understands what I mean…which just frustrates me more. 

12. We may not have a good “reason” for the pain. Medical science is still limited in its understanding of pain. Many people have pain that is not yet classified by doctors as an officially recognized “disease”. That does not reduce the pain, – it only reduces our ability to give it a label, and to have you believe us.


 

1) The biggest, most important thing I want people to know about what it’s like to live with chronic pain is that it never goes away. Think about that, every single second, of every single day, of your entire life. Sure sometimes it’s worse than others, but it’s always there…just because I’m acting fine and normal, does not mean I’m not in pain. Most of the healthy people I know lose their minds when they have a toothache, a sprained ankle, a headache, or the flu…imagine all of those things, at the same time, plus more, every single day. Now you have a teeny taste of my life.

Think of a time that you injured yourself, (like a sprained ankle or something) some doctor somewhere probably asked you to “rate your pain on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain you can imagine”, right? I really, really hate that question, and I get asked it ALL the time. I have a friend who used to play a game with me, every time she saw me she would try to guess what number my pain was at…she was generally right too, partly because she’s awesome, and partly because my number is pretty much always between 5 and 8.5. For 2 reasons, first of all, days under 5 almost never happen. Second, I never rate anything a 10, ever. In the movie The Fault In Our Stars, the girl says “I was saving my 10”, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. People with chronic pain will understand this, but it can always get worse. I never rate anything a 10, because I understand the fact that there will always be something worse than the worst pain I can imagine. I only rate things a 9 that send me to the hospital; I’ve only had a handful of 9s in my life. So basically 8.5 is the worst possible normal day I could have, and I have quite a few of those.

I really wish I could make you understand; I would never wish this on anyone, but sometimes I wish people could just spend a day in my body, because then they would understand what this pain is like. It’s brain-numbing; when it’s really bad I can’t think about anything else, I can’t do anything else except lay still and be in pain. Breathing is too much work, talking is too much work, thinking is too much work. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t cry. Just existing is too painful. That’s an 8.5…maybe even a 9. It strips away who you are; I really think it strips away pieces of your soul.

It’s frustrating, I want to be able to do normal-person things…such a stupid little thing like walking to the mailbox, standing long enough to put my make up on (5 minutes), or sitting through a meal will cause me to go from a 5 to an 8.

2) The other huge thing I want people to understand is that I am ok. I know I make all of this sound like the worst thing that could possibly happen to someone…and I’m not gonna lie, it’s pretty terrible, but I do not hate my life. Actually, given the choice I don’t think I would change it…as crazy as that sounds. I’m not angry, I’m not bitter or hateful. I don’t need to turn to religion to find an explanation for my suffering, and I don’t need to make myself feel better with platitudes like “we are given only what we can handle” or “everything happens for a reason”. While these and others may be true, I don’t need to use them to make the fact that I am sick ok. However, I am human, I have my bad days too; occasionally I get sad, mostly about the things I wish I was able to do, and I sometimes get frustrated or pissed off. When that happens I just need a friend, I need to whine and complain about how much it all sucks. As a general rule though, I’m fine.

3) Relax! I won’t break. I don’t need you to do everything for me. I’m not going to get offended if you say whatever it is you think will upset me. As a general rule, I don’t need anything from you, other than for you to act normally and be my friend.

I meet a lot of people who are amazed at what I deal with every day, who don’t understand how I have such a positive attitude and accept the way my life is so well. I have no answer for those questions, other than I don’t know any different…I don’t remember what it feels like to not have pain, so I think that makes it easier, but it’s also just the way I am.

 

 

http://lifeinpain.org/node/2151

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Where o where has my brain gone?

I miss my brain.

I’ve been sick my entire life, but there were quite a few years where I was not “THIS” sick…and I was smart, and funny, and I thought about things. Now? I’ve spent the majority of my waking hours today staring at the wall; I’ve been sitting here for an hour trying to write something worthwhile and I simply can’t. So instead I tried to read, yeah right!

Today I feel worse than usual, which is saying something. It’s probably the IV antibiotics I started last week catching up with me, or maybe the fact that I’ve had a particularly long and stressful week, maybe that’s catching up with me. I’m lacking sleep since I spent 2 nights this week in the emergency room, I’m stressed because my doctor keeps blowing off my concerns and the fact that I keep ending up in the ER, I’m angry about that too. I also probably did way too much housework all at once last night. Whatever the reason, my body and mind have both crashed, and it sucks.

I recently went back to school, which is awesome, but it’s made me realize just how bad my brain is now. I have realized that I don’t remember much of anything. Of course I can remember dates, conversations, when my doctors appointment is, etc. but I cannot for the life of me remember what I read 5 minutes ago or what the professor said yesterday in class. Thank goodness I take awesome notes…a learned skill I’m sure, since this issue has been getting worse and worse over the last 8 years.

 


 

So I wrote this 2 1/2 hours ago, yet never posted it because I’ve been sitting here staring at nothing like a zombie. Where has my brain gone?

 

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The Great Hibernation

I am planning a hibernation. A for real, serious, not leaving my house for a very long time, hibernation.

I’m stockpiling food, committing to absolutely no obligations, warning everyone that every plan is tentative at the moment, and getting things that I’ve been wanting to do done so that they won’t be hanging over my head. I’ve got a list of tv shows and movies to watch, books to read, and projects to work on. Oh, and my cat to keep me company.

I’m ready. Let’s do this.

Fact is, it’s not actually going to happen, because unfortunately life requires leaving the house occasionally. Regardless, I’m preparing for it anyway.

I just don’t want to leave my house; I mean, I do but I don’t.

I am not depressed, or isolated, or antisocial, don’t worry…it just hurts.

The light hurts, the air hurts, the pressure exerted on my body by gravity hurts…breathing hurts, moving hurts, talking hurts. (I mean physically hurts)

Existing hurts. 

I just don’t want to try anymore, I don’t want to wake up and put on my face and pretend everything is ok when just breathing hurts.

So starting Thursday of this week I’m hibernating. I may come out occasionally, but if I don’t want to I’m not going to…and if I don’t want to put on my “everything is ok” face, then the world will just have to deal with it! I have spent the last 15 years or so putting on my face and I am going to allow myself the next few months to not have to if I don’t want to, I think I’ve earned that.

Why Thursday you ask? Because on Wednesday I am having my picc line placed to start IV antibiotics for lyme on Thursday…so I am preparing myself to most likely feel really terrible for the next few months.

It’s gonna be a super fun time…which I am sure ya’ll will hear about :]

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Akhilandeshvari- no my cat did not just walk across my keyboard

So I’ve had kind of a negative attitude lately (ok, a really negative attitude)…especially this week since it’s been kind of a rough one; well today I read this post on Elephant Journal, and I decided that I am going to try to change that.

 

Akhilandeshvari:

“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.

But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

 

This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.

Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful.

 

 

I love this so much. Somehow it was exactly what I needed to read today.

Between my divorce and recent health discoveries and frustrations I feel so broken. I feel like over the past year that crocodile has dragged me into the river and spun me around over and over and over until I don’t know who I am or where I’m going anymore. I am so afraid; of where my life will go from here, if I will ever get well or rather just continue to get worse and worse until something kills me, if I will be alone forever, if I am too sick and stupid to accomplish anything with my life. Those are just the ones I can vocalize, I feel like there are so many more fears hiding under the surface that I don’t even understand enough to be able to describe them.

So today I have decided to be a goddess; I will get on my crocodile and ride my fears right to something beautiful. I will be never not broken, and it will be amazing.

Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.

Image

With brokenness comes great potential not only for change, but for refining and smoothing and shaping.

 

So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.

All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.

 

Read the full article here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/

Pictures from the article, and google, respectively.

 

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Real talk.

It’s really nice to have this blog to pour my thoughts into, especially the thoughts I don’t want to say out loud or bother other people with.

Like this one tonight….

Ready? It’s time for some serious real talk now…

I’m jealous. I’m angry. I’m sad. Mostly I’m just jealous.

I have quite a few friends with lyme disease, some I knew before I was diagnosed and some I met in support groups after. It’s lovely to have people who really understand what I am going through, and have been doing their own research, to talk to and share ideas with.

However, it sucks to watch them get better. Not for them, obviously, I’m overjoyed for them…but for me it sucks.

I have a very close friend; my age range, diagnosed just a few weeks before me, sick for quite a while (but maybe not as sick, or for as long as I have been)…who after pretty close to the same amount of time treating is in the gym working out, going out and partying, feeling better. We see the same doctor, therefore have pretty similar treatment protocols…but he’s better and I’m most definitely NOT. 

I’m so extremely happy for him. But damn…

I know, I know…”everyone is different, you can’t compare…blah blah blah”. I don’t care. I care, just not tonight. 

I’m sick. It royally fucking sucks. I’m not sure if I’m ever going to get better. So yeah, I’m jealous.

 

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I want to do with my life, who I want to be; and while I am excited about where I think my instinct is leading me, I find myself insanely jealous of people who can just make these decisions without having to worry if their brain will be too foggy to pass classes/exams, or their body will be too weak to withstand that internship, or whether they will end up too disabled to be able to actually have a career at all.

That makes me angry.

 

Alright, I’m done. It may be safe to say that the antibiotics induced mood swings are back :[

Check back tomorrow or the next day for a post on a new treatment I am trying tomorrow! :]

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Hooray for wigs and new beginnings!

I did it.

I said I wouldn’t, but I did.

I got a hair cut.

I know, I know, big deal, right? It’s just a hair cut.

Except it’s not just a hair cut…for a handful of reasons.

First, I have can count the number of hair cuts I have gotten in the last 5 years on one hand and have fingers to spare.

Second, my head is significantly lighter now…10 inches lighter, to be exact.

Third, those 10 inches will now be made into a wig for a child fighting cancer. ❤ This is a big deal for me as my aunt is a breast cancer survivor and I remember her struggle to find a wig that made her feel comfortable.

Fourth, it means something.

 

About a week before my ex-husband and I started dating I chopped off all of my hair. I don’t know why, just felt like it I guess. Well, he was upset…he told me I shouldn’t do that again because he liked my hair long. So I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I know that makes him sound controlling and he really wasn’t; I actually liked my hair long anyway, and I wanted him to like how I looked (what girlfriend/wife doesn’t?). So I haven’t had a real hair cut since then.

So the other day when the urge to chop it off struck me (it does that periodically), I just got a hair cut. Simple as that. For once I just made a decision without stopping to think what he, or anyone else would think about it.

It’s really quite freeing to just make decisions, without worrying about how it will affect someone else or what anyone will think (wow, getting a little deep here…it’s just a hair cut…or is there more on my mind tonight than just hair?)

Hair cuts have always felt like new beginnings to me; a new style, a new way of doing it every day, maybe even a new color! (Still contemplating that one…)

I feel like I just cut off the last 5 years of relationship…and the new grows now will be me, and only me.

 

Plus there are definite perks to this short hair thing:

1. Uhm, it’s suffocatingly HOT outside…enough said

2. I actually feel like I can safely manage to wash it all by myself, even on bad days (thank goodness for shower chairs too!). That used to be one of the things that I had to have help with when I was very sick.

3. I can actually hold my arms up long enough to style it, most days. Feeling like I am pretty is soooo important for my mental, and therefore physical, health.

4. A lot of it was falling out anyway…and it’s much less annoying to lose hair when it’s short.

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