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“She knew she loved him when ‘home’ went from being a place to being a person” — E. Levanthal

I found this quote many months ago when The Boy and I were still happy and its truth struck me. I thought I had experienced this kind of love before, I thought I had loved my husband this way…but now I’m not so sure. One thing I do know, however, is that I loved The Boy this way. There is no doubt of that.

I wasn’t sure I would ever love anyone again after my husband, I thought with my silly girlish mind that I had used up my allotment of being in love, that maybe there would be other men but that nothing would ever be like it had been with him. That is, until The Boy came along.

He showed me what real love is supposed to be like, the way a man who really loves me (and is capable of such love) is supposed to treat me, and how I’m supposed to feel in that situation. He changed me. He showed me that I really could be in love again. It didn’t take long at all for him to become my “home”.

For the last eight months he has been my home, my safe place, my rock. He was my best friend, my confidant, my cheerleader; he was the one I called, no matter what I wanted to talk about. For the first time in a VERY long time I was really truly happy when I was with him. I knew, and LIKED, who I was; I believed in myself and my dreams. I was someone important, I was beautiful and I was smart. I was someone else’s “home”. I can’t explain how good that felt…until it was over.

Now I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel horribly homeless and it’s hard. I’m adrift in the sea of life, without a rock to anchor myself to. I used to think that I would never love like that again….now I am certain that I will never love like THIS again. I don’t think my heart is capable, even if I wanted to.  I have no words to explain how difficult it is to be that honestly happy and then to just have your “home” ripped away from you. To make it even worse is that we still love each other, he’s just as lost as I am right now, but still we can’t be with each other. The world is horribly cruel like that sometimes.

Now we are faced with the next to impossible task of converting that love we have for each other into something that still resembles a friendship…hopefully without losing the importance of it. We have to somehow learn to not love each other quite so much, so that it doesn’t kill us to see the other person with someone new and we can still be each other’s best friend; to somehow find out who we are today, separate from each other. I’ve had people tell me this is impossible, that it can’t work, that it’s an idea that is doomed from the start. The thing is, I just don’t care. Maybe it is stupid, maybe it won’t work, but I have to try. He’s too important to me, he’s too much of an integral part of my life and who I am to just walk away. Stupid idea or not, it HAS to work. It just has to.

I can only hope that the next man I meet is half as wonderful as The Boy is, that he makes me half as happy. I will consider myself a lucky girl if that happens. And as difficult as it is to say this, I wish the same for him…I will always love him, but I hope that he finds someone who deserves him and that makes him happy, and I hope I am by his side as his best friend to witness it.

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I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale…

I have always been a fairytale kind of girl; you know what I’m talking about, the happily ever after, prince charming, big white dress kind of fairytale girl. The kind of fairytale girl who spent hours daydreaming about her perfect wedding, her perfect husband, her perfect children; making 5 year, 10 year and 20 year plans, and plans for her plans. But after a lifetime of failed relationships and sickness and a failed marriage in my early twenties it’s becoming clear that I’ve become rather dark and twisty. Fairytale girl is gone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to still be a fairytale girl, but as much as I try it just doesn’t feel like me anymore. The thought of getting married again terrifies the shit out of me, the idea of the prince charming and the big white dress makes me want to flee and fast, and the whole happily ever after thing just doesn’t feel like a reality for me any more. I absolutely cannot endure another failed marriage, especially after a big expensive (and public!) wedding ceremony. There is no way I can endure the heartbreak and embarrassment again. I can’t fail again, I just can’t.

Surprisingly, I don’t really think my failed marriage caused this…I mean, obviously it contributed, but I didn’t really feel this way until things with the boyfriend from previous posts went south. I was ready to commit again, I loved him with all of my heart and soul…I still do…but due to a complicated religious/family reason he can’t be with me. I don’t think I’ve ever been so heartbroken in my life. My divorce basically ripped me apart…but this is different. It’s different because he WANTS to be with me, and I with him, because he’s incredible and everything I’ve ever wanted; it’s different because for the first time in my life he actually makes me feel like the princess from the fairytale. The world makes sense when I’m with him, the sky is blue, the grass is green, up is up and down is down, things just fall into place. He taught me what a normal, actually truly happy, relationship feels like. But I can’t have him…

Maybe I’ll just be that girl that marries her career, I mean by the time I HAVE a career I’ll be like 35…that’s getting a little old for husbands and babies (at least for my taste). I mean, sure it could happen, but it doesn’t go with any versions of my plans. I’m going to be a doctor, that’s very time consuming work, I’ll just get through the next 2 years and then when I go to med school I’ll throw myself into my work and never look back. People do that, right? It works for some people.

I said that to my friend the other day and he said “yeah right, you know you’re not one of those people. You need love too much for that”. I guess he’s right…but people can change…

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