Tag Archives: life

I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale…

I have always been a fairytale kind of girl; you know what I’m talking about, the happily ever after, prince charming, big white dress kind of fairytale girl. The kind of fairytale girl who spent hours daydreaming about her perfect wedding, her perfect husband, her perfect children; making 5 year, 10 year and 20 year plans, and plans for her plans. But after a lifetime of failed relationships and sickness and a failed marriage in my early twenties it’s becoming clear that I’ve become rather dark and twisty. Fairytale girl is gone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to still be a fairytale girl, but as much as I try it just doesn’t feel like me anymore. The thought of getting married again terrifies the shit out of me, the idea of the prince charming and the big white dress makes me want to flee and fast, and the whole happily ever after thing just doesn’t feel like a reality for me any more. I absolutely cannot endure another failed marriage, especially after a big expensive (and public!) wedding ceremony. There is no way I can endure the heartbreak and embarrassment again. I can’t fail again, I just can’t.

Surprisingly, I don’t really think my failed marriage caused this…I mean, obviously it contributed, but I didn’t really feel this way until things with the boyfriend from previous posts went south. I was ready to commit again, I loved him with all of my heart and soul…I still do…but due to a complicated religious/family reason he can’t be with me. I don’t think I’ve ever been so heartbroken in my life. My divorce basically ripped me apart…but this is different. It’s different because he WANTS to be with me, and I with him, because he’s incredible and everything I’ve ever wanted; it’s different because for the first time in my life he actually makes me feel like the princess from the fairytale. The world makes sense when I’m with him, the sky is blue, the grass is green, up is up and down is down, things just fall into place. He taught me what a normal, actually truly happy, relationship feels like. But I can’t have him…

Maybe I’ll just be that girl that marries her career, I mean by the time I HAVE a career I’ll be like 35…that’s getting a little old for husbands and babies (at least for my taste). I mean, sure it could happen, but it doesn’t go with any versions of my plans. I’m going to be a doctor, that’s very time consuming work, I’ll just get through the next 2 years and then when I go to med school I’ll throw myself into my work and never look back. People do that, right? It works for some people.

I said that to my friend the other day and he said “yeah right, you know you’re not one of those people. You need love too much for that”. I guess he’s right…but people can change…

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Planning to plan

“Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans” — John Lennon

There is unrest in my soul tonight.

So many people spend their whole lives planning their lives. I used to be one of those people; the one with the 5 year plan, the 10 year plan and the 20 year plan…with plans for achieving my plans, I even planned to plan! 

People spend their lives running from one opportunity to the next, expending energy, time and money…they even forgo time with their loved ones in exchange for pursuing the ever out of reach “plan”.

The truth of the matter is I can’t plan anymore. Well, I can but if I’m being honest with myself it’s a waste.

Don’t get me wrong, I have plans and I want so badly for them to come to life…but I can never ever lose respect for the fact that in a minute it could all be gone. All my plans could go up in smoke.

Tomorrow we could not wake up; we could wake up and not be able to walk; we could wake up and not be able to speak or see or hear. Tomorrow we could get hit by a bus, murdered or kidnapped and sold into sex slavery. Ok, I’m being a little dramatic…but it’s true.

Tomorrow you could get bit by a tick and your whole world could change…mine did.

The fact is that none of us can plan, if we’re being honest with ourselves. We can plan, but we damn well better never lose a healthy respect for the fact that it could all be gone in an instant…because that’s when the universe likes to throw us a little reminder. Trust me…

Plans are just that, plans…they’re ideas, possibilities, desires. They are not promises and they are most definitely not guarantees. So make your plans, set your goals, and work hard for them but remember this…tomorrow it could all be gone.

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Beautiful

Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I have already heard that word rubbed raw across the flesh of so many girls before me. Thrown at them like rocks that beat the skin of those we don’t understand. “You are beautiful” we yell with such contempt. “God damnit, why won’t you just believe me, you’re beautiful!” It’s not a compliment. It is a victory march of your own self sacrifice. “You’re beautiful” we say through gritted teeth. “You’re beautiful we spit out through tears, looking at a reflection we hate. “You’re beautiful” we say holding a body that has never felt the arms of another. “You’re beautiful”. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. A word like that floats on the surface, give me something with depth. Tell me I’m intelligent. Tell me I’m courageous. Tell me that when I laugh the whole world smiles. Tell me that my voice is sweeter than strawberries. Remind me that my hands have helped flowers grow, painted the ocean, and captured the sky in my phone. Assure me that with a mind like mine, I can change the world. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I don’t really care if it’s true. I’ve spent years trying to convince myself that beauty goes through and through. Don’t tell me I’m beautiful. I’ve felt the word splatter against me enough for a lifetime. I am better than the “beautiful” that slips from your lips. I am the ocean, 36,000 feet deep. There are parts of me you have never seen. I am outer space, infinite in your search. I am not simply “beautiful”. I am a fucking masterpiece. — in known

Art by Alex Kanevsky

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Being a grown up is overrated.

So my birthday is coming up in…11 days. Woo hoo? I think this is the first time I’ve ever been really not excited for my birthday. I guess that makes me officially a grown up now?

I mean, I’m excited to spend time with family and friends, and I always make it a point to treat myself to something for my birthday and spend a little time relaxing (it’s basically the only time I do that all year), so that’s exciting.

But it’s also the first birthday I’ve spent alone in 5 years, the first birthday since my parents moved out of state, and the first birthday where I really feel like my life is slipping away.

This is SO not where I thought my life would be at 25…and that’s depressing. 😦

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