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“She knew she loved him when ‘home’ went from being a place to being a person” — E. Levanthal

I found this quote many months ago when The Boy and I were still happy and its truth struck me. I thought I had experienced this kind of love before, I thought I had loved my husband this way…but now I’m not so sure. One thing I do know, however, is that I loved The Boy this way. There is no doubt of that.

I wasn’t sure I would ever love anyone again after my husband, I thought with my silly girlish mind that I had used up my allotment of being in love, that maybe there would be other men but that nothing would ever be like it had been with him. That is, until The Boy came along.

He showed me what real love is supposed to be like, the way a man who really loves me (and is capable of such love) is supposed to treat me, and how I’m supposed to feel in that situation. He changed me. He showed me that I really could be in love again. It didn’t take long at all for him to become my “home”.

For the last eight months he has been my home, my safe place, my rock. He was my best friend, my confidant, my cheerleader; he was the one I called, no matter what I wanted to talk about. For the first time in a VERY long time I was really truly happy when I was with him. I knew, and LIKED, who I was; I believed in myself and my dreams. I was someone important, I was beautiful and I was smart. I was someone else’s “home”. I can’t explain how good that felt…until it was over.

Now I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel horribly homeless and it’s hard. I’m adrift in the sea of life, without a rock to anchor myself to. I used to think that I would never love like that again….now I am certain that I will never love like THIS again. I don’t think my heart is capable, even if I wanted to.  I have no words to explain how difficult it is to be that honestly happy and then to just have your “home” ripped away from you. To make it even worse is that we still love each other, he’s just as lost as I am right now, but still we can’t be with each other. The world is horribly cruel like that sometimes.

Now we are faced with the next to impossible task of converting that love we have for each other into something that still resembles a friendship…hopefully without losing the importance of it. We have to somehow learn to not love each other quite so much, so that it doesn’t kill us to see the other person with someone new and we can still be each other’s best friend; to somehow find out who we are today, separate from each other. I’ve had people tell me this is impossible, that it can’t work, that it’s an idea that is doomed from the start. The thing is, I just don’t care. Maybe it is stupid, maybe it won’t work, but I have to try. He’s too important to me, he’s too much of an integral part of my life and who I am to just walk away. Stupid idea or not, it HAS to work. It just has to.

I can only hope that the next man I meet is half as wonderful as The Boy is, that he makes me half as happy. I will consider myself a lucky girl if that happens. And as difficult as it is to say this, I wish the same for him…I will always love him, but I hope that he finds someone who deserves him and that makes him happy, and I hope I am by his side as his best friend to witness it.

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I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale…

I have always been a fairytale kind of girl; you know what I’m talking about, the happily ever after, prince charming, big white dress kind of fairytale girl. The kind of fairytale girl who spent hours daydreaming about her perfect wedding, her perfect husband, her perfect children; making 5 year, 10 year and 20 year plans, and plans for her plans. But after a lifetime of failed relationships and sickness and a failed marriage in my early twenties it’s becoming clear that I’ve become rather dark and twisty. Fairytale girl is gone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to still be a fairytale girl, but as much as I try it just doesn’t feel like me anymore. The thought of getting married again terrifies the shit out of me, the idea of the prince charming and the big white dress makes me want to flee and fast, and the whole happily ever after thing just doesn’t feel like a reality for me any more. I absolutely cannot endure another failed marriage, especially after a big expensive (and public!) wedding ceremony. There is no way I can endure the heartbreak and embarrassment again. I can’t fail again, I just can’t.

Surprisingly, I don’t really think my failed marriage caused this…I mean, obviously it contributed, but I didn’t really feel this way until things with the boyfriend from previous posts went south. I was ready to commit again, I loved him with all of my heart and soul…I still do…but due to a complicated religious/family reason he can’t be with me. I don’t think I’ve ever been so heartbroken in my life. My divorce basically ripped me apart…but this is different. It’s different because he WANTS to be with me, and I with him, because he’s incredible and everything I’ve ever wanted; it’s different because for the first time in my life he actually makes me feel like the princess from the fairytale. The world makes sense when I’m with him, the sky is blue, the grass is green, up is up and down is down, things just fall into place. He taught me what a normal, actually truly happy, relationship feels like. But I can’t have him…

Maybe I’ll just be that girl that marries her career, I mean by the time I HAVE a career I’ll be like 35…that’s getting a little old for husbands and babies (at least for my taste). I mean, sure it could happen, but it doesn’t go with any versions of my plans. I’m going to be a doctor, that’s very time consuming work, I’ll just get through the next 2 years and then when I go to med school I’ll throw myself into my work and never look back. People do that, right? It works for some people.

I said that to my friend the other day and he said “yeah right, you know you’re not one of those people. You need love too much for that”. I guess he’s right…but people can change…

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“I love you present tense” – The Fault in Our Stars

“I’m thinking ‘bout the way people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand, me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just wanna tell you I am…” – Thinking Out Loud, Ed Sheeran

I am currently obsessed with this song, which is surprising given it’s romantic nature, something I haven’t been able to tolerate much of since my separation from my husband.

Like the song says, I have been thinking a lot lately (surprise surprise) about love, and feelings in general; why we have them, what dictates who we have them for, and how society views our feelings.

Chances are most of us have had one of those moments, you know the ones, where someone makes your heart flutter and your head feel faint. Most of us have had someone we just couldn’t stop thinking about, that we wanted to talk to all the time and spend every waking second with. Some people term it “puppy love”, although I’m not entirely sure what that means.

What is it that decides who we fall in “puppy love” with? Of course there are the usual stories, the cute guy from your English class, or that really sweet guy you met on that online dating site…but what about the stories that break the mold? The married man you can’t stop thinking about, or maybe you’re happily married and can’t stop thinking about someone other than your spouse; that person you can’t explain why you feel differently about than the rest of your friends, even though you have never considered yourself gay before; the infamous unrequited love story; or an abuser who only hurts you. What is it that sends our hearts into these painful situations? We usually know so well that we should not fall for these people, but it doesn’t matter.

Why?

According to society as whole, these scenarios are ones where we should not have feelings…yet it happens anyway. It’s out of our control. We can tell the feelings to go away, although I don’t know about you but personally that doesn’t usually do much good.

Married people are “off limits”, we use derogatory terms for people who fall for married people such as “the other woman” or “mistress”; and vice versa, married people are supposed to be faithful, and those who admit to having feelings for someone other than their spouse are termed “cheaters”, “scum bags” and any number of other names people (usually women) have made up. People who admit to having feelings for their heterosexual friends are often made fun of, and it’s not uncommon for the friendship to fall apart because of it. We all know the tragedy of the unrequited love story, at least these people are not usually made fun of, instead they are pitied…which I’m not sure is any better. People who stay in abusive relationships are often blamed, said to be at fault for the abuse since they choose to stay in the relationship.

We all know this stuff, I’m not telling you anything new or shocking…so why do we continue to find ourselves in these situations? I have personally found myself in every scenario I mentioned above, not because I was oblivious to the impossibility and almost certain heartbreak of the situations, but because my heart didn’t care.

Why is that? Why don’t our hearts care that situations like these will almost certainly break us? Even better question, why do we as a society look at people who find themselves in these situations in such a negative light? We know we’ve pretty much all been there at least once…yet still the stigmas exist.

Some say that these people are just desperate for love; that they’re lonely and sad. Others look to old adages like “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” and “we always want what we can’t have” to explain away situations like these. While I agree that sometimes these are accurate, I assert that this is not always the case. There have been times where they were definitely not true for me, personally.

So I’ll ask again, why?

A quick Google search for “what decides who we are attracted to?” yields 48,200,000 hits on topics ranging from “Your brain on speed dating” to articles listing “5 Insignificant things that determine who you have sex with”. Apparently I am not the only one wondering about this topic. The list of insignificant things includes things like the tilt of your head, the length of your ring finger and the number of scars on your face as factors in who we are attracted to. (…if you say so…) While the article “Your brain on speed dating” utilizes fMRI imaging techniques to look at what areas of the brain are most active when a person is viewing a potential date. Based on this information they claim that there is a section of our brain that forms a, rather shallow, first impression of the person followed by a second area that evaluates the persons compatibility with ourselves. Alright…that’s an interesting tidbit of information, but neither of those really answers my question.

So here are my thoughts on the matter…

We all need to love and be loved; it has been scientifically proven that without love we will die (for real, not being dramatic).

I think something in our soul recognizes something in someone else’s soul that draws us to that person…sometimes it’s temporary, sometimes it’s lifelong. Either way, it’s beautiful and wonderful, even if it ends up hurting, because our soul needed to encounter that person’s soul. I think often(but not always) there is something for us to learn from these situations, and our souls generally tend to keep us there until we’ve learned it; or sometimes there is something we are supposed to teach the other person. Although other times there is no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens. It’s like our souls have magnets, and sometimes we encounter someone who’s soul has an opposite magnet and we are automatically drawn together by that magnetic force. Sometimes our magnets stick together for a long time, and other times they simply touch and bounce off of each other again. Sometimes they never touch at all, but simply come close to each other and then move away.   

If you look at it as I do, there are no mistakes when it comes to love as long as you follow your soul’s pull. Maybe this is a cop out, maybe it’s me justifying the “mistakes” I’ve made (and if you look at them as mistakes, there are a lot of them); maybe it’s me trying to soothe the heartbreak of my recent divorce by telling myself that I did not make a mistake in marrying him in the first place…but I don’t think so.

I’ve loved hard and deeply, I’ve trusted my soul (for the most part), I’ve been true to myself and honest even when it hurt…and I’ve hurt a lot; I’ve shattered into a million pieces, and then put myself back together. In the end, though, I’ve followed my soul…I haven’t let society’s opinions of who I should and shouldn’t love stop me from loving anyway. I’m proud of that.

Love is incredible, it’s magical and wonderful and mysterious; it’s hard and scary and painful too. It doesn’t make sense, at all, and that’s part of the beauty of it.

I have come to the realization that, as painful as it is, our hearts feel what they feel and there isn’t really a whole lot we can do about it. I started this post wishing that I could know why my heart betrays me like this, but I’m ending it with the sense that understanding that would take away the magic that is love…and goodness knows I do not want that.

Articles referenced in this post:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/04/13/o.laws.of.sex.attraction/index.html?_s=PM:LIVING

http://www.cracked.com/article_19663_5-insignificant-things-that-determine-who-you-have-sex-with.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2229190/Study-reveals-parts-decide-romantically-attracted-to.html

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Akhilandeshvari- no my cat did not just walk across my keyboard

So I’ve had kind of a negative attitude lately (ok, a really negative attitude)…especially this week since it’s been kind of a rough one; well today I read this post on Elephant Journal, and I decided that I am going to try to change that.

 

Akhilandeshvari:

“Ishvari” in Sanskrit means “goddess” or “female power,” and the “Akhilanda” means essentially “never not broken.” In other words, The Always Broken Goddess. Sanskrit is a tricky and amazing language, and I love that the double negative here means that she is broken right down to her name.

But this isn’t the kind of broken that indicates weakness and terror.

It’s the kind of broken that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships and habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

Akhilanda derives her power from being broken: in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different, constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

 

This goddess has another interesting attribute, which is, of course, her ride: a crocodile.

Crocodiles are interesting in two ways: Firstly, Stoneberg explains that the crocodile represents our reptilian brain, which is where we feel fear. Secondly, the predatory power of a crocodile is not located in their huge jaws, but rather that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river, take it into the water, and spin it until it is disoriented. They whirl that prey like a dervish seeking God, they use the power of spin rather than brute force to feed themselves.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilanda refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow. She takes her fear down to the river and uses its power to navigate the waves, and spins in the never not broken water. Akhilanda shows us that this is beautiful.

 

 

I love this so much. Somehow it was exactly what I needed to read today.

Between my divorce and recent health discoveries and frustrations I feel so broken. I feel like over the past year that crocodile has dragged me into the river and spun me around over and over and over until I don’t know who I am or where I’m going anymore. I am so afraid; of where my life will go from here, if I will ever get well or rather just continue to get worse and worse until something kills me, if I will be alone forever, if I am too sick and stupid to accomplish anything with my life. Those are just the ones I can vocalize, I feel like there are so many more fears hiding under the surface that I don’t even understand enough to be able to describe them.

So today I have decided to be a goddess; I will get on my crocodile and ride my fears right to something beautiful. I will be never not broken, and it will be amazing.

Akhilanda is also sometimes described in our lineage like a spinning, multi-faceted prism. Imagine the Hope Diamond twirling in a bright, clear light. The light pouring through the beveled cuts of the diamond would create a whirling rainbow of color. The diamond is whole and complete and BECAUSE it’s fractured, it creates more diverse beauty. Its form is a spectrum of whirling color.

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With brokenness comes great potential not only for change, but for refining and smoothing and shaping.

 

So now is the time, this time of confusion and brokenness and fear and sadness, to get up on that fear, ride it down to the river, dip into the waves, and let yourself break. Become a prism.

All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole.

 

Read the full article here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/

Pictures from the article, and google, respectively.

 

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You are magical.

You are magical.

“So you don’t have the luxury of ever (ever) saying that there’s nothing magical in those bones of yours.

You don’t get to say that you’re boring or plain or weak or pathetic.

You are the universe. You are star-stuff.

And there is nothing more miraculous than that.”

A little positivity after my pity party…

 

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/10/the-world-may-be-heavy/

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June 10, 2014 · 11:23 pm

Birthdays and validation

So yesterday was my birthday; I didn’t do anything super major, but it was still a nice weekend. 

Saturday I went to the beach, regardless of a little rain and a lot of clouds. My friend and I had a nice lunch, laid on the sand and talked, got some sun in spite of all the clouds, and then had a quick dinner on the way home. She also brought me a lovely bunch of flowers, a gift certificate to our favorite gluten free/vegan bakery, a very sweet card, and a cute unique gift. See…

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This adorable box had a note in it that said “The legend of the Dreambox suggests writing down your fondest dream, greatest desire, strongest wish on a small piece of paper, and placing it beside your bed. Every evening as you retire, and every morning as you rise, hold your Dreambox and think on your dream, believing with all your heart that it is so. Legend has it, if done faithfully…your dream will come true.”

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Isn’t that sweet? 

Many sweet friends also wished me happy birthday from cyberspace…including this e-card that made me smile…

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Then last night I had coffee with a wonderful friend who I, ironically, went to high school with but wasn’t close to then, and who recently has become one of my closest friends after we ran into each other on an online lyme disease support group. It was wonderful to spend time with her as we are both usually to sick or busy to get together.

She gave me probably the best birthday present anyone could have given me…she heard me. We talked for hours as we drank our coffee, and in the course of this conversation I told her how I’ve been feeling lately; as though something is very wrong, that I am not on the right path with my health and my gut instincts are screaming at me to fix it, and quick! But that I have no idea HOW to fix it. Something I have said to several other people recently and gotten answers like “you’re supposed to feel worse before you get better”, and “it’s just herxing, it’s normal”, etc.

However, she simply looked at me and said “I totally get it“.

I can’t explain how nice it was to simply have someone validate how I am feeling, instead of telling me that it’s no big deal, or normal, or I’m freaking out over nothing (which is what I feel like I’ve been hearing, albeit in different words).

Just to have someone say “I get it. I’ve been there too, I am there right now too. You will figure this out. You are strong, and smart, and you know your body. If you say something is wrong, then something is wrong.”…there are no words for how much that helps me right now. ❤

There are only 3 days until my dad gets here; he is only coming for like 2 days, and just to help me move, but regardless I can’t wait to see him. So when he gets here we will have a family birthday dinner (minus my mom who isn’t coming 😦 ) with gluten free/vegan cupcakes for dessert of course! 🙂 

All in all, a satisfactory birthday…although I won’t lie, it makes me sad. I couldn’t help thinking of how my husband and I would have been celebrating together, especially since he didn’t even bother to text me “happy birthday”. I couldn’t help missing the family birthday dinners we used to have before my parents moved away. I couldn’t help wishing my best friend wasn’t 2 hours away. I couldn’t help feeling angry/let down that my other “best friend” who has been talking for months about planning something to celebrate my birthday, chose to spend the weekend with her boyfriend instead, and simply sent me a text message last night. I couldn’t help feeling sad over where I am in life, because it is so not where I wanted to be at 25. 

But I am incredibly grateful for the wonderful friends who did make my birthday special (even if they weren’t the friends I expected), I am a lucky girl. ❤

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A little gratitude is in order…

I was thinking tonight, as I have been a lot lately, about a friend who is going through some hard times, as well as her family who are by extension experiencing a difficult time. 

I can’t say I’ve ever been in the situation she is in, and for that I am glad. But watching her and her family go through this has made me feel a couple of things:

1.) I feel grateful that I do not, and have not ever, really felt the need to be someone I’m not. I may not always know who I am, or like who I am, but I do not ever feel the need to pretend to be someone else. The parts of me that I know and am familiar with, I like and would not change for anything in the world…the parts of who I am that I don’t understand, I’ll just love and respect anyway and fudge it until i figure them out. It pains me to watch my dear friend feel like she needs to fake who she is, and pretend to live a life that isn’t hers…I don’t know if she realizes that that is what she is doing, but that’s my relatively expert assessment of the situation. It’s sad, really sad, because who she is is wonderful, and beautiful, and special. There are days I envy her some aspects of her life, and I am sure that there are many people in the world who would trade her in a heartbeat…although she would never believe me if I told her that. I mean, I get why she is doing it, and I sort of don’t blame her…but it makes me sad for her, that she does not know how to love her life for what it is. It also makes me sad, and scared, for her because from what I can tell her need to live this opposite life is going to cause some really negative consequences, and has already to an extent. So I am glad, I am who I am, and I love that. No apologies, no hiding it; take it or leave it baby. 

2.) Number 2 ties in to number 1…I feel thankful that I have the moral compass that I do. I am a very black and white person…right is right, wrong is wrong, and most of the time I know the choice I need to make because my instincts leave no questions unanswered. It makes me sad and concerned for my friend because she does not have that…I can see her, metaphorically speaking, drifting in this vast sea of lies and poor choices…and it is going to destroy her one of these days, maybe soon. The sea has been rising for many years, and is getting very close to enveloping her and I am afraid she will drown. She has never understood why I place such an importance on truth, something as simple as “if so-and-so asks just tell them _____” or staying out past curfew and sneaking in the house feels so wrong to me that it makes me physically ill sometimes.  When it comes down to it, I choose to live my life 100% open and honest, and it doesn’t matter how trivial something is, if it doesn’t meet that criteria I want no part of it. And I love that part of me…sometimes it causes trouble, and sometimes it hurts (sometimes it hurts a lot), but it’s me, and it’s a good thing.

Also, I am thankful that I have never felt the need to be angry at the Universe or life for handing me the rather shitty health card I’ve been dealt. I have never really said “why me?” or “this isn’t fair!”..and I’m so glad. I like my life, as hard as it is sometimes, I’ve learned a lot and it has made me a much better person for it. 

3.) I feel eternally blessed to have the wonderful parents that I do. They are my best friends, the foundation of my entire support system, and have taught me many of the wonderful things that make me who I am. It is not lost on me how lucky I am that I can tell them anything and everything, and I don’t have to feel like I need to lie or keep things from them…I have never really felt that way. It makes me sad how many people I have encountered in my life who do not have that with their parents. Somehow I seem to attract these friends who come from dysfunctional families, maybe it’s because somehow the Universe knows that I need to teach them sometimes…that’s what I hope it is anyway. 

4.) I am glad that after many many years I am finally learning how to stand up for myself a little bit, how to vocalize my needs and thoughts completely unapologetically. I have opinions and thoughts, and they are usually good ones…and I have things I need, and it’s ok to ask for them.

It was nice to write this post tonight; I’ve been feeling rather down lately so it was nice to sit and force myself to write out a little gratitude. I am very worried about my friend, and what consequences her choices are going to bring her soon; but the situation was starting to make me very stressed and I needed to turn it in to a positive thing for me, as well as put a little distance between it and myself with a conversation I had to have tonight. 

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“Nothing can dim the light which shines from within”

Dr. Maya Angelou passed quietly in her home before 8:00 a.m. EST. Her family is extremely grateful that her ascension was not belabored by a loss of acuity or comprehension. She lived a life as a teacher, activist, artist and human being. She was a warrior for equality, tolerance and peace. The family is extremely appreciative of the time we had with her and we know that she is looking down upon us with love.” — Statement from the family

I grew up on Maya Angelou, she is one of my mom’s all time favorites. I remember in elementary school practicing my handwriting/grammar/spelling skills by taking dictations of her poems (a task I did not care for at all, but I loved the poems). I remember my mom quoting lines to me at various appropriate times in my adolescence. And now as an adult I have found solace in her work, including recently with my divorce and health problems. 

Here are some of my favorite poems/quotes:

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ― Maya Angelou


 

“If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?”  — Maya Angelou


 

The free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill 
for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.  — I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings


 

 

http://www.mayaangelou.com

http://www.poemhunter.com/maya-angelou/poems/

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2014/05/28/maya-angelou-quotes/9663257/

http://m.deseretnews.com/top/2520/0/15-inspirational-quotes-from-Maya-Angelou.html?ref=http%3A%2F%2Fpub.vitrue.com%2FS0LX%3Fref%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fpub.vitrue.com%2FS0LX

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