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“She knew she loved him when ‘home’ went from being a place to being a person” — E. Levanthal

I found this quote many months ago when The Boy and I were still happy and its truth struck me. I thought I had experienced this kind of love before, I thought I had loved my husband this way…but now I’m not so sure. One thing I do know, however, is that I loved The Boy this way. There is no doubt of that.

I wasn’t sure I would ever love anyone again after my husband, I thought with my silly girlish mind that I had used up my allotment of being in love, that maybe there would be other men but that nothing would ever be like it had been with him. That is, until The Boy came along.

He showed me what real love is supposed to be like, the way a man who really loves me (and is capable of such love) is supposed to treat me, and how I’m supposed to feel in that situation. He changed me. He showed me that I really could be in love again. It didn’t take long at all for him to become my “home”.

For the last eight months he has been my home, my safe place, my rock. He was my best friend, my confidant, my cheerleader; he was the one I called, no matter what I wanted to talk about. For the first time in a VERY long time I was really truly happy when I was with him. I knew, and LIKED, who I was; I believed in myself and my dreams. I was someone important, I was beautiful and I was smart. I was someone else’s “home”. I can’t explain how good that felt…until it was over.

Now I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel horribly homeless and it’s hard. I’m adrift in the sea of life, without a rock to anchor myself to. I used to think that I would never love like that again….now I am certain that I will never love like THIS again. I don’t think my heart is capable, even if I wanted to.  I have no words to explain how difficult it is to be that honestly happy and then to just have your “home” ripped away from you. To make it even worse is that we still love each other, he’s just as lost as I am right now, but still we can’t be with each other. The world is horribly cruel like that sometimes.

Now we are faced with the next to impossible task of converting that love we have for each other into something that still resembles a friendship…hopefully without losing the importance of it. We have to somehow learn to not love each other quite so much, so that it doesn’t kill us to see the other person with someone new and we can still be each other’s best friend; to somehow find out who we are today, separate from each other. I’ve had people tell me this is impossible, that it can’t work, that it’s an idea that is doomed from the start. The thing is, I just don’t care. Maybe it is stupid, maybe it won’t work, but I have to try. He’s too important to me, he’s too much of an integral part of my life and who I am to just walk away. Stupid idea or not, it HAS to work. It just has to.

I can only hope that the next man I meet is half as wonderful as The Boy is, that he makes me half as happy. I will consider myself a lucky girl if that happens. And as difficult as it is to say this, I wish the same for him…I will always love him, but I hope that he finds someone who deserves him and that makes him happy, and I hope I am by his side as his best friend to witness it.

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I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale…

I have always been a fairytale kind of girl; you know what I’m talking about, the happily ever after, prince charming, big white dress kind of fairytale girl. The kind of fairytale girl who spent hours daydreaming about her perfect wedding, her perfect husband, her perfect children; making 5 year, 10 year and 20 year plans, and plans for her plans. But after a lifetime of failed relationships and sickness and a failed marriage in my early twenties it’s becoming clear that I’ve become rather dark and twisty. Fairytale girl is gone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to still be a fairytale girl, but as much as I try it just doesn’t feel like me anymore. The thought of getting married again terrifies the shit out of me, the idea of the prince charming and the big white dress makes me want to flee and fast, and the whole happily ever after thing just doesn’t feel like a reality for me any more. I absolutely cannot endure another failed marriage, especially after a big expensive (and public!) wedding ceremony. There is no way I can endure the heartbreak and embarrassment again. I can’t fail again, I just can’t.

Surprisingly, I don’t really think my failed marriage caused this…I mean, obviously it contributed, but I didn’t really feel this way until things with the boyfriend from previous posts went south. I was ready to commit again, I loved him with all of my heart and soul…I still do…but due to a complicated religious/family reason he can’t be with me. I don’t think I’ve ever been so heartbroken in my life. My divorce basically ripped me apart…but this is different. It’s different because he WANTS to be with me, and I with him, because he’s incredible and everything I’ve ever wanted; it’s different because for the first time in my life he actually makes me feel like the princess from the fairytale. The world makes sense when I’m with him, the sky is blue, the grass is green, up is up and down is down, things just fall into place. He taught me what a normal, actually truly happy, relationship feels like. But I can’t have him…

Maybe I’ll just be that girl that marries her career, I mean by the time I HAVE a career I’ll be like 35…that’s getting a little old for husbands and babies (at least for my taste). I mean, sure it could happen, but it doesn’t go with any versions of my plans. I’m going to be a doctor, that’s very time consuming work, I’ll just get through the next 2 years and then when I go to med school I’ll throw myself into my work and never look back. People do that, right? It works for some people.

I said that to my friend the other day and he said “yeah right, you know you’re not one of those people. You need love too much for that”. I guess he’s right…but people can change…

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“I love you present tense” – The Fault in Our Stars

“I’m thinking ‘bout the way people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand, me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just wanna tell you I am…” – Thinking Out Loud, Ed Sheeran

I am currently obsessed with this song, which is surprising given it’s romantic nature, something I haven’t been able to tolerate much of since my separation from my husband.

Like the song says, I have been thinking a lot lately (surprise surprise) about love, and feelings in general; why we have them, what dictates who we have them for, and how society views our feelings.

Chances are most of us have had one of those moments, you know the ones, where someone makes your heart flutter and your head feel faint. Most of us have had someone we just couldn’t stop thinking about, that we wanted to talk to all the time and spend every waking second with. Some people term it “puppy love”, although I’m not entirely sure what that means.

What is it that decides who we fall in “puppy love” with? Of course there are the usual stories, the cute guy from your English class, or that really sweet guy you met on that online dating site…but what about the stories that break the mold? The married man you can’t stop thinking about, or maybe you’re happily married and can’t stop thinking about someone other than your spouse; that person you can’t explain why you feel differently about than the rest of your friends, even though you have never considered yourself gay before; the infamous unrequited love story; or an abuser who only hurts you. What is it that sends our hearts into these painful situations? We usually know so well that we should not fall for these people, but it doesn’t matter.

Why?

According to society as whole, these scenarios are ones where we should not have feelings…yet it happens anyway. It’s out of our control. We can tell the feelings to go away, although I don’t know about you but personally that doesn’t usually do much good.

Married people are “off limits”, we use derogatory terms for people who fall for married people such as “the other woman” or “mistress”; and vice versa, married people are supposed to be faithful, and those who admit to having feelings for someone other than their spouse are termed “cheaters”, “scum bags” and any number of other names people (usually women) have made up. People who admit to having feelings for their heterosexual friends are often made fun of, and it’s not uncommon for the friendship to fall apart because of it. We all know the tragedy of the unrequited love story, at least these people are not usually made fun of, instead they are pitied…which I’m not sure is any better. People who stay in abusive relationships are often blamed, said to be at fault for the abuse since they choose to stay in the relationship.

We all know this stuff, I’m not telling you anything new or shocking…so why do we continue to find ourselves in these situations? I have personally found myself in every scenario I mentioned above, not because I was oblivious to the impossibility and almost certain heartbreak of the situations, but because my heart didn’t care.

Why is that? Why don’t our hearts care that situations like these will almost certainly break us? Even better question, why do we as a society look at people who find themselves in these situations in such a negative light? We know we’ve pretty much all been there at least once…yet still the stigmas exist.

Some say that these people are just desperate for love; that they’re lonely and sad. Others look to old adages like “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” and “we always want what we can’t have” to explain away situations like these. While I agree that sometimes these are accurate, I assert that this is not always the case. There have been times where they were definitely not true for me, personally.

So I’ll ask again, why?

A quick Google search for “what decides who we are attracted to?” yields 48,200,000 hits on topics ranging from “Your brain on speed dating” to articles listing “5 Insignificant things that determine who you have sex with”. Apparently I am not the only one wondering about this topic. The list of insignificant things includes things like the tilt of your head, the length of your ring finger and the number of scars on your face as factors in who we are attracted to. (…if you say so…) While the article “Your brain on speed dating” utilizes fMRI imaging techniques to look at what areas of the brain are most active when a person is viewing a potential date. Based on this information they claim that there is a section of our brain that forms a, rather shallow, first impression of the person followed by a second area that evaluates the persons compatibility with ourselves. Alright…that’s an interesting tidbit of information, but neither of those really answers my question.

So here are my thoughts on the matter…

We all need to love and be loved; it has been scientifically proven that without love we will die (for real, not being dramatic).

I think something in our soul recognizes something in someone else’s soul that draws us to that person…sometimes it’s temporary, sometimes it’s lifelong. Either way, it’s beautiful and wonderful, even if it ends up hurting, because our soul needed to encounter that person’s soul. I think often(but not always) there is something for us to learn from these situations, and our souls generally tend to keep us there until we’ve learned it; or sometimes there is something we are supposed to teach the other person. Although other times there is no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens. It’s like our souls have magnets, and sometimes we encounter someone who’s soul has an opposite magnet and we are automatically drawn together by that magnetic force. Sometimes our magnets stick together for a long time, and other times they simply touch and bounce off of each other again. Sometimes they never touch at all, but simply come close to each other and then move away.   

If you look at it as I do, there are no mistakes when it comes to love as long as you follow your soul’s pull. Maybe this is a cop out, maybe it’s me justifying the “mistakes” I’ve made (and if you look at them as mistakes, there are a lot of them); maybe it’s me trying to soothe the heartbreak of my recent divorce by telling myself that I did not make a mistake in marrying him in the first place…but I don’t think so.

I’ve loved hard and deeply, I’ve trusted my soul (for the most part), I’ve been true to myself and honest even when it hurt…and I’ve hurt a lot; I’ve shattered into a million pieces, and then put myself back together. In the end, though, I’ve followed my soul…I haven’t let society’s opinions of who I should and shouldn’t love stop me from loving anyway. I’m proud of that.

Love is incredible, it’s magical and wonderful and mysterious; it’s hard and scary and painful too. It doesn’t make sense, at all, and that’s part of the beauty of it.

I have come to the realization that, as painful as it is, our hearts feel what they feel and there isn’t really a whole lot we can do about it. I started this post wishing that I could know why my heart betrays me like this, but I’m ending it with the sense that understanding that would take away the magic that is love…and goodness knows I do not want that.

Articles referenced in this post:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/04/13/o.laws.of.sex.attraction/index.html?_s=PM:LIVING

http://www.cracked.com/article_19663_5-insignificant-things-that-determine-who-you-have-sex-with.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2229190/Study-reveals-parts-decide-romantically-attracted-to.html

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Elephant Journal has done it again…

Elephant Journal- Don’t Miss Your Soulmate Flags

“I now define “soul mate” as a soul with whom I have had so many meaningful encounters in so many other lifetimes and dimensions, that I feel I know them almost instantly upon meeting them again. They feel so familiar, like family, like instant friends. We can play just about any role for each other too: friend, lover, child, grandchild.”

This has happened to me several times recently, and I am so deeply thankful for those dear friends. They always seem to come into my life exactly when I need them to. For some of them I can even pinpoint the exact moment when I realized the “flag” that told me we were connected in some way. ❤

“The ones that are heart breaking, though, are the ones where timing is an issue. We meet them as planned, we experience the flag and know it is important, but we have made past decisions that prevent us from being lovers.”

This has been on my mind lately, as I find myself in a situation with someone who I have experienced repeated flags with over many years, but timing has always been an issue. We shall see if this is the flag that brings us together or not!

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Friendship and romance

“It’s bullshit to think of friendship and romance as being different. They’re not. They’re just variations of the same love. Variations of the same desire to be close.” Rachel Cohn

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May 15, 2014 · 3:22 pm

Be NICE!

Today I am feeling very…introspective? Perhaps that is the word for it…What ever this feeling is called, I wrote some stuff (I won’t insult poets everywhere by calling it a poem, although I don’t know what else to call it). Read it if you want, don’t if you don’t…just whatever you do, be nice…I only write stuff like this from a place of deep, real, emotion.

 

I want to know you.

I want to know your deepest fears.

I want to know what makes you insecure, and love those parts of you.

I want to know when you are happiest, and make that be all the time.

I want to be your safe place, your haven.

I want to show you all the beautiful in you.

I want to be your person.

 

I think you amaze me.

I think you are one of the smartest people I know.

I think about your smile all the time, and about kissing it too.

I think you make me laugh more than pretty much anyone else.

I think you are a little frustrating sometimes.

I think you are absolutely incredible.

I think you rock.

 

I know you’re scared.

I know you’ve been hurt before.

I know you feel something for me too, even if it’s not the same.

I know you won’t admit it to anyone but you’re lonely.

I know you deserve to be happy.

I know you understand me.

I know you crave love.

 

I want to hold you in my arms.

I want to take every hurt or sadness away.

I want to show you all the love you deserve, and more.

I want to make you laugh, every second of every day.

I want to understand what makes you you.

I want to hold your beautiful hand.

I want you.

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