Tag Archives: relationships

Dating a sick girl

As I sit here, awake early (for me) on a Saturday morning, eating pastry in his bed and channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw while he is at work, all I can think about is the parts of that picture I failed to describe for you. Like the IV pole standing next to me, and the pill box full of pills on his beside table; the many bags of IV medicine currently residing in his refrigerator and the conversation we just had before he left about what time we could leave to go somewhere this afternoon because I will have to finish my IV drip before we can leave. How I laid awake and watched him sleep until 4:30am because I had to finish my IV, and the box of saran wrap in my suitcase so that I can take a shower later. While all of these things are MY normal, I am constantly reminded that they are not everyone else’s.

I know a lot of people who can’t/won’t date due to their chronic illness, and I know that I should consider myself very lucky that I not only can but have found someone who is willing to look past it and put up with the insanity that is my life…but I can’t help feeling that it isn’t fair.

I hate worrying him. I hate filling his once normal life with IV bags, doctors appointments and surgeries. I can’t for the life of me figure out why he wants to put up with it all. Hell, Idon’t want to put up with it all and it’s my life, I definitely wouldn’t be doing it voluntarily!

I can’t help but wonder what he’s thinking…how does he feel about waking up to an IV pole in his bedroom? He says he’s fine, that it doesn’t bother him, but is he really fine? What is it really like dating a sick girl?

The other day I had a massive migraine, I mean the worst migraine I’ve ever had. We were out at dinner and then going grocery shopping when it hit me. I could barely move, was ready to throw up, and was desperately popping every pill in my purse to make it stop. I was actually contemplating going to the ER, it hurt THAT badly. The poor guy was so shocked, he didn’t know what to do and just stared at me with big worry-filled eyes. I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like, watching someone you care about be that sick. I know cognitively what he was feeling; worry, helplessness, frustration, sympathy etc. but I can’t really understand.

I can’t imagine having my life suddenly over taken by IVs and worry…my life has always been this way. I guess I’m scared. Maybe he’ll decide it’s too much. Maybe he’ll meet some prettier, healthier girl who can live a normal life with him sans IV bags and doctors appointments. Perhaps his friends will lecture him about how he “could do so much better” or “shouldn’t have to put up with that”. Maybe he’ll decide I’m just being a baby…like my ex husband did…

For now though, I can’t even wrap my mind around how lucky I am…

I really dislike clichés, and I’m not one to subscribe to the belief that an omnipotent being (whatever you choose to call him/her) gave me this life for some reason I am unaware of, but I will say that I believe things happen sometimes exactly the way they are supposed to happen…

I think he is exactly what I need right now.

He makes me so incredibly happy. He makes me want to be as smart, strong, and incredible as he thinks I am. He makes me believe for half a second that I could actually get better and be a normal person. He makes me want to work harder, be more determined…try harder.

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“I love you present tense” – The Fault in Our Stars

“I’m thinking ‘bout the way people fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand, me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just wanna tell you I am…” – Thinking Out Loud, Ed Sheeran

I am currently obsessed with this song, which is surprising given it’s romantic nature, something I haven’t been able to tolerate much of since my separation from my husband.

Like the song says, I have been thinking a lot lately (surprise surprise) about love, and feelings in general; why we have them, what dictates who we have them for, and how society views our feelings.

Chances are most of us have had one of those moments, you know the ones, where someone makes your heart flutter and your head feel faint. Most of us have had someone we just couldn’t stop thinking about, that we wanted to talk to all the time and spend every waking second with. Some people term it “puppy love”, although I’m not entirely sure what that means.

What is it that decides who we fall in “puppy love” with? Of course there are the usual stories, the cute guy from your English class, or that really sweet guy you met on that online dating site…but what about the stories that break the mold? The married man you can’t stop thinking about, or maybe you’re happily married and can’t stop thinking about someone other than your spouse; that person you can’t explain why you feel differently about than the rest of your friends, even though you have never considered yourself gay before; the infamous unrequited love story; or an abuser who only hurts you. What is it that sends our hearts into these painful situations? We usually know so well that we should not fall for these people, but it doesn’t matter.

Why?

According to society as whole, these scenarios are ones where we should not have feelings…yet it happens anyway. It’s out of our control. We can tell the feelings to go away, although I don’t know about you but personally that doesn’t usually do much good.

Married people are “off limits”, we use derogatory terms for people who fall for married people such as “the other woman” or “mistress”; and vice versa, married people are supposed to be faithful, and those who admit to having feelings for someone other than their spouse are termed “cheaters”, “scum bags” and any number of other names people (usually women) have made up. People who admit to having feelings for their heterosexual friends are often made fun of, and it’s not uncommon for the friendship to fall apart because of it. We all know the tragedy of the unrequited love story, at least these people are not usually made fun of, instead they are pitied…which I’m not sure is any better. People who stay in abusive relationships are often blamed, said to be at fault for the abuse since they choose to stay in the relationship.

We all know this stuff, I’m not telling you anything new or shocking…so why do we continue to find ourselves in these situations? I have personally found myself in every scenario I mentioned above, not because I was oblivious to the impossibility and almost certain heartbreak of the situations, but because my heart didn’t care.

Why is that? Why don’t our hearts care that situations like these will almost certainly break us? Even better question, why do we as a society look at people who find themselves in these situations in such a negative light? We know we’ve pretty much all been there at least once…yet still the stigmas exist.

Some say that these people are just desperate for love; that they’re lonely and sad. Others look to old adages like “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” and “we always want what we can’t have” to explain away situations like these. While I agree that sometimes these are accurate, I assert that this is not always the case. There have been times where they were definitely not true for me, personally.

So I’ll ask again, why?

A quick Google search for “what decides who we are attracted to?” yields 48,200,000 hits on topics ranging from “Your brain on speed dating” to articles listing “5 Insignificant things that determine who you have sex with”. Apparently I am not the only one wondering about this topic. The list of insignificant things includes things like the tilt of your head, the length of your ring finger and the number of scars on your face as factors in who we are attracted to. (…if you say so…) While the article “Your brain on speed dating” utilizes fMRI imaging techniques to look at what areas of the brain are most active when a person is viewing a potential date. Based on this information they claim that there is a section of our brain that forms a, rather shallow, first impression of the person followed by a second area that evaluates the persons compatibility with ourselves. Alright…that’s an interesting tidbit of information, but neither of those really answers my question.

So here are my thoughts on the matter…

We all need to love and be loved; it has been scientifically proven that without love we will die (for real, not being dramatic).

I think something in our soul recognizes something in someone else’s soul that draws us to that person…sometimes it’s temporary, sometimes it’s lifelong. Either way, it’s beautiful and wonderful, even if it ends up hurting, because our soul needed to encounter that person’s soul. I think often(but not always) there is something for us to learn from these situations, and our souls generally tend to keep us there until we’ve learned it; or sometimes there is something we are supposed to teach the other person. Although other times there is no rhyme or reason to it, it just happens. It’s like our souls have magnets, and sometimes we encounter someone who’s soul has an opposite magnet and we are automatically drawn together by that magnetic force. Sometimes our magnets stick together for a long time, and other times they simply touch and bounce off of each other again. Sometimes they never touch at all, but simply come close to each other and then move away.   

If you look at it as I do, there are no mistakes when it comes to love as long as you follow your soul’s pull. Maybe this is a cop out, maybe it’s me justifying the “mistakes” I’ve made (and if you look at them as mistakes, there are a lot of them); maybe it’s me trying to soothe the heartbreak of my recent divorce by telling myself that I did not make a mistake in marrying him in the first place…but I don’t think so.

I’ve loved hard and deeply, I’ve trusted my soul (for the most part), I’ve been true to myself and honest even when it hurt…and I’ve hurt a lot; I’ve shattered into a million pieces, and then put myself back together. In the end, though, I’ve followed my soul…I haven’t let society’s opinions of who I should and shouldn’t love stop me from loving anyway. I’m proud of that.

Love is incredible, it’s magical and wonderful and mysterious; it’s hard and scary and painful too. It doesn’t make sense, at all, and that’s part of the beauty of it.

I have come to the realization that, as painful as it is, our hearts feel what they feel and there isn’t really a whole lot we can do about it. I started this post wishing that I could know why my heart betrays me like this, but I’m ending it with the sense that understanding that would take away the magic that is love…and goodness knows I do not want that.

Articles referenced in this post:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/04/13/o.laws.of.sex.attraction/index.html?_s=PM:LIVING

http://www.cracked.com/article_19663_5-insignificant-things-that-determine-who-you-have-sex-with.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2229190/Study-reveals-parts-decide-romantically-attracted-to.html

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Elephant Journal has done it again…

Elephant Journal- Don’t Miss Your Soulmate Flags

“I now define “soul mate” as a soul with whom I have had so many meaningful encounters in so many other lifetimes and dimensions, that I feel I know them almost instantly upon meeting them again. They feel so familiar, like family, like instant friends. We can play just about any role for each other too: friend, lover, child, grandchild.”

This has happened to me several times recently, and I am so deeply thankful for those dear friends. They always seem to come into my life exactly when I need them to. For some of them I can even pinpoint the exact moment when I realized the “flag” that told me we were connected in some way. ❤

“The ones that are heart breaking, though, are the ones where timing is an issue. We meet them as planned, we experience the flag and know it is important, but we have made past decisions that prevent us from being lovers.”

This has been on my mind lately, as I find myself in a situation with someone who I have experienced repeated flags with over many years, but timing has always been an issue. We shall see if this is the flag that brings us together or not!

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The curse of the psychologist’s brain

I have a degree in psychology. I have no idea what the hell I am going to do with it, but I have it; and I got it because I really enjoy psychology. My brain just naturally thinks in those terms (aka, I naturally “shrink” people, it’s just what I do). Which is all well and good, until it causes problems. Namely, I also naturally shrink myself. 

This means that I second guess every thought, every action, every decision…and then triple, quadruple, and whatever the hell comes next, guess it. 

See the problem now? 

I am so tired of never really knowing if I feel or think what I do because that’s genuinely how I think/feel, or because of some insane psychological “cause” my brain has created. 

Do I like a certain band because my parents dislike it? Because my friends like it? Or do I like it because like it? Am I attracted to someone because they remind me of someone else? Or am I just attracted? Am I afraid of water because something happened to me, that I have repressed memories of, to cause that? Or does it just freak me out? Do I feel a certain way because it’s how I feel? Or because I am running away from an unhappy marriage? Am I inventing feelings in my head because of some Freudian issue deep down? Or is that actually how I feel? 

It’s a curse, I tell you. 

I just want to feel something, and for once not question it. Not try to come up with some issue straight out of a Psychology 101 textbook that explains exactly why I am experiencing said feeling. Not subconsciously try to explain it away or rationalize it. 

I just want Freud, Maslow, Jung, Erikson, and all their friends, out of my head! 

Don’t mind me…just feeling a little crazy tonight. Welcome to my brain, it’s sooo much fun here, isn’t it? :/ 

 

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Friendship and romance

“It’s bullshit to think of friendship and romance as being different. They’re not. They’re just variations of the same love. Variations of the same desire to be close.” Rachel Cohn

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May 15, 2014 · 3:22 pm

Inquiring minds want to know :]

A member of my family sent me a link recently and I thought it was interesting. It was an article containing a list of some of the responses received when the question “what is the most valuable lesson you’ve ever learned from a break up?” was asked on Reddit/HuffPost Divorce’s facebook and twitter. 

Here is the list:

1. “A relationship involves two people. I used to put all the responsibility on myself whenever something would go wrong. When her actions would hurt me, I’d think about myself and what I could have done better. In the end, I stayed in that relationship way too long.”

2. “I learned to always keep my money separate and to have a backup plan.”

3. “Never settle. Love is a verb. People are who they are. Don’t expect them to change.”

4. “Your happiness and validation come from within. Relying on one person in order to feel happy is unhealthy for both parties involved.”

5. “I learned to cultivate me — my interests, my hobbies — and let the hobbies and interests I once shared with my ex fall to the wayside. I learned my own strength.”

6. “I learned that loving someone and loving the idea of being with someone are two very different things.”

7. “It’s a big ocean with many fish. You’ll find someone else. The heart is resilient.”

8. “Once you’ve broken up, cut all ties with that person. Delete them from Facebook, delete their phone number and send their email and text to a spam folder. Stay away from them and you’ll move on quicker.”

9. “Always read the signs and be aware of the red flags. They are there flashing and waving if you just pay attention.”

10. “I am worth more than what I accepted from the person I loved. I can make myself happy.”

11. “Don’t even think about falling in love again if your self-esteem is zapped post-split. Heal and love yourself first, then look for love again.”

12. “Being unattached is way better than being in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship.”

13. “Get your stuff before you break up.”

14. “Your wellness is more important than the relationship.”

15. “The pain does go away even though it seems so hard to believe in the beginning.

 

Some of these things I knew already (at least cognitively, whether I put them to practical use or not is another story!), some of them I had not thought about before, and several of them I have learned/am currently learning from my divorce. 

I would have to say the major ones my divorce has taught me are:

2. “I learned to always keep my money separate and to have a backup plan.” –I have thanked my lucky stars a million times through this divorce process that my husband and I preferred to keep our money separate, and that we hadn’t been married for very long so our legal lives were not completely entwined yet…it has made things much easier than they could have been! Now I know, and will remember this for all future relationships! Also I always had a backup plan, I guess it’s in my nature; I’m a planner and the type of person who always expects the worst…it came in handy this time and I will not forget it!  

3. “Never settle. Love is a verb. People are who they are. Don’t expect them to change.” — I used to get mad when people told me I was settling, that I deserved better than him, and I still don’t think it’s true…that implies that he is not good enough, or bad, and he is most definitely not those things. “Love is a verb” however, sticks with me. My husband used to say it a hundred times a day, “I love you” “I love you” over and over again…and I loved it! I thought “how sweet! I’m so lucky!” Little did I realize, that it takes more than just saying it…he could say it a million times a day, and it would never make up for his lack of showing it. And seriously, don’t expect them to change. I used to say I didn’t expect him to change who he was, but I was fooling myself. I totally expected him to change. Were they good changes, that he should make for himself anyway? YES. But change is change, and it’s not fair to put that on to someone…they are who they are, love them, ALL of them, or move on. 

9. “Always read the signs and be aware of the red flags. They are there flashing and waving if you just pay attention.” — and DON’T ignore them! I can’t believe, looking back now, how many red flashing warning signs there were…and I KNEW they were there! I saw them! Yet I chose to walk right by them, look the other way, and pretend that they would just go away…because I loved him. But I have learned from this experience, that above all else you have to love yourself more than anyone else, and by ignoring warning signs you are most definitely NOT loving yourself more. You are just setting yourself up for more pain and heartache. 

14. “Your wellness is more important than the relationship.” — again, you have to love yourself above anyone else. Really, really hard for me to do…but I’m trying. 

 

 

So this leaves me wondering…we’ve all had breakups, of some sort, at some point in our lives…what would you add to the list? How would you answer the question? 

“What is the most valuable lesson you’ve ever learned from a break up?”

 

Link to the aforementioned article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/12/breakup-_n_5311650.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

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