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Friendship and romance

“It’s bullshit to think of friendship and romance as being different. They’re not. They’re just variations of the same love. Variations of the same desire to be close.” Rachel Cohn

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May 15, 2014 · 3:22 pm

Love the Way You Lie…

[Chorus]

I can’t tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it’s like a steel knife in my windpipe
I can’t breath but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It’s like I’m in flight
High off a love, drunk from my hate
It’s like I’m huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer I suffocate
And right now I’m about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it
Wait! Where are you going?
“I’m leaving you!”
No you ain’t. Come back we’re running right back
Here we go again
It’s so insane cause when it’s going good, it’s going great,
I’m superman with the wind at his back, she’s Lois Lane
But when it’s bad it’s awful
I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who’s that dude?
“I don’t even know his name”
I laid hands on her, I’ll never stoop so low again
I guess I don’t know my own strength

[Chorus]

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you’re with ’em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit ’em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
You, them chills you used to get ’em
Now you’re getting fucking sick of looking at ’em
You swore you’d never hit ’em
Never do nothing to hurt ’em
Now you’re in each other’s face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push, pull each other’s hair, scratch, claw, bit ’em
Throw ’em down, pin ’em
So lost in the moments when you’re in them
I’ts the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say you’re best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don’t know you
Cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it’s a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don’t get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that’s why they call it window “pain”

[Chorus]

Now I know we said things
Did things that we didn’t mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper’s just as bad as mine is
You’re the same as me
But when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn’t you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I’m pissed I’ll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There will be no next time!
I apologize even though I know it’s lies
I’m tired of the games I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again Im’a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I’m just gonna

[Chorus]

– Eminem Ft. Rihanna “Love The Way You Lie”

So I post the lyrics to this song tonight, even though they contain some words that may offend some people, because it is a topic that is very close to my heart. I have, however, left out the lyrics to the chorus because they bother me… they go like this…

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, that’s alright because I like the way it hurts, just gonna stand there and hear me cry, that’s alright because I love the way you lie”.

While I love the song, and I was told once that Rihanna donated all income from it to domestic violence charities (not sure if this is true or not, but I’ll choose to think she’s that much of a good person)…the chorus not only lacks any insight into Rihanna’s side of the “relationship” it furthers the misconception that women stay in abusive relationships because they “like it”.

Anyway…some specific lyrics have stuck out to me recently and are the reason I have been replaying this song 12907342437x back to back…

“Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk

Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball”

While my “husband” (wow I REALLY like quotation marks tonight, don’t I?) has never been physically abusive I feel like (reading between the lines of course) he has been saying this to me for weeks. It is like he is WILLING me to believe him that he has changed, and then becoming angry that I just don’t; like if he could force me to believe him he would. But those days are over…the days of believing what he says, or at least giving him the benefit of the doubt, are gone. It makes me sad that it has come to that, but it has.

Talking to a dear friend today who is in a place sadly very similar to where I was a month or two ago, and commiserating about an ex we both have in common who was emotionally and physically abusive, it made me think…how long am I going to allow myself to be treated this way? Yes, I finally drew a line in the sand and did something about it when he crossed said line, and I did the same thing with the ex I mentioned, but it took me many years in both cases before I got to that point. Why is it that I can sit here and say to you “I deserve better than that” but when it comes right down to demanding better I tend to roll over and play dead? And not only that, but I swore after I left my ex that I would never again allow myself to be made to feel the way I did…yet here I am, almost 6 years later.

I was feeling very contemplative this afternoon, and also began to ask myself…why do we as women in general allow ourselves to be treated this way? And why is it that men (and women too) think they can treat people so horribly? It is one thing to hear stories, and we all have stories, usually of a friend/sister/daughter/acquaintance, who went through domestic violence…but it is an entirely different thing to be faced with loving someone who honestly believes that they are better than you so you therefore exist to make them happy, and if you do not make them happy you are THEIRS to┬ádo with as they wish. Why do we as a collective allow ourselves to be treated this way?

I did an internship in college with the State Attorney’s Office, working alongside a domestic violence victim advocate. I LOVED it, and would take a job doing that in a heartbeat if I was offered one tomorrow. But one case sticks out in my mind, probably because it was the only one I saw go to trial, so it was a big deal. Anyway, the issue was essentially that the man had come home from work and was not pleased with the dinner his wife had provided. Literally. So his response to this was to punish her by throwing her against a wall and punching her in the ribs and face numerous times.

We are so much better than that. I know, I know, easier said than done…but it’s really not, if you think about it. It’s really just a matter of loving ourselves…something I think we could ALL use a little work on…

Pardon my ramblings tonight…it’s a brain-foggy sort of day…

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March 13, 2014 · 10:30 pm